Bohemian Rhapsody
by jules456
Summary: *Its Back after a year* To give your heart to someone is the greatest gift and sacrifice. It is all that you have. The moment you put it on your sleeve, someone rips it off and clutches it in their fists until the pressure is so great it bursts
1. Is this the real life

Some people may think "she is starting another story", but this is something that I have been inspired to do for a long time, especially since the OC hiatus. So anyhow here it goes

**Background:** All four of the main OCer's is in a "home" in California called "Hartford House" they have no friends or family, at first they don't even have one another. That is all that I can say about that right now. You have to read and find everything out. IT'S WORTH IT. This will be a S/S, R/M.

**Warnings:** This is posted as Pg-13 for now but the rating may change. The first chapter contains drug use, bad language, and sexual situations.

**PLEASE READ AND REVIEW! I really want to know what people think of this. If people don't review because they don't like it or w.e then I'll think nobody is reading and will probably not update this. If you read this first chapter please just let me know what you think. I hate when people say stuff like that, it's just that I have a lot of other stories going, so if nobody wants this one I won't continue it. **

**HAPPY READING PLEASE REVIEW**

xoxo Jules

* * *

Bohemian Rhapsody

Prologue: **Is this the real life-"**

**---- Ryan Atwood, age 17; **"I'm never the kid with much to say, I just kinda fade back into the crowd... getting noticed gets you in trouble in places like this. I sit back, watch everyone else. Analyze. I can tell you about anyone here inside and out, backwards and forwards. I've been in the system since I was eleven. In the past six years I've been in twelve foster homes... it's okay though, 6 days and I'll be 18, then I'm getting the hell out of this place."

**---- Seth Cohen, age 17: **"I don't know how I really got mixed up in the system. My parents died in a fire when I was thirteen. I lived with my Grandfather for a couple of months before he died of a heart attack... My parents really didn't have any other family, so I ended up here. I've never even been placed in a foster home, nobody really wanted a thirteen year old Jewish kid."

**---- Marissa Cooper age 16; **"I've been in these homes for as long as I can remember. They put you in these group homes to protect you, nobody can protect me. If they could they would have. Nobody wants a damaged girl like me, hell, I wouldn't want a girl like me! I don't know what I'm doing anymore, I have no idea where I'm going... Mrs. Walker on the staff here told me I'm going nowhere fast, at this point I'm thinking she's right."

**---- Summer Roberts age 16; **"Everything is just so... I don't know, shaky. Only one things for sure, and that is that I will get what I want when I want it. So what I use my body? Nothing is ever going to be handed to me or anyone else here, I'm just the only one smart enough to realize it. People may look down on me for what I do. They call me a slut... a whore. Whatever. They can say what they want. The only person that I have to look out for is me.

**Ryan's POV: **Last day of the rest of my life

I sat back on the couch in one of the common rooms watched Summer Roberts, the Hartford House slut, disappear behind the doors with one of the older doctors. The doctors were always around, in case the kids had a "mental breakdown", or something like that. It was hard to keep it together in a place like this, but I've managed to. This was a place where they sent the helpless, the hopeless.

Hartford House is just resting ground for all those just shy of their eighteenth birthdays. On our eighteenth birthdays we'll be turned out with some money in our pockets, an education that's for shit, and a hardened view of the world.

Everyone thinks it's funny how this place was called a "house". It's more institution like for it's resident's, the sterile white walls, the staff constantly rushing around performing one tedious task or another.

'She thinks she's so smart.' I watched Summer reappear from behind the door, and then seconds later the doctor did. I rolled my eyes as I watched the sly grin form on her face when she noticed me watching her. But I see through that, I know at the end of the day when it's just her, alone, in her dimly lit room, there was no way that she could possibly be happy.

"What's up man?" This kid named Seth said when he sat down next to me.

Seth was cool I guess, a little dorky but here it's better to hang out with dorky than dangerous. Seth was already here when I got here, so I guess that means Hartford's been his home for like five years. Seth never talks about his parents. He is one of the only one here who really knew them at all. It seemed like something was going on with him, he'd randomly get really quiet and stuff like that, nobody know's why.

"Nothing much. I think Summer just ropped dome." I said not turning away from my magazine.

"Oh yeah." Seth asked raising an eyebrow. "Who was it this time?"

Seth had a style completely different than anyone else here. He would wear old pants, dingy brown colors with holes in them, and plain long sleeved t-shirts, always with the same blue vest over it. He said it was like his trademark or something. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.

"Doctor Jennings." I said.

He was one of the more distinguished doctors. He won a lot of awards for his work and "contributions" to the community. Nobody talked about how he screwed his patients though. Funny how those things work. People that are supposed to help you turn their backs... it just goes to show you can't really trust anyone now can you?

"So six weeks 'till the big day huh?" Seth said trying to make conversation... conversation isn't one of my strong suits...

"Um, the big day?"

"Yeah man, 18! What are you gonna do?" Seth asked scooting to the edge of his chair.

"I donno man." I said still not looking up from the magazine.

The alarms went off. That only meant one thing since it wasn't a fire alarm. Somebody with a house arrest bracelet had escaped. This happen about once or twice a week. People here aren't strangers to run-in's with the law. I turned towards the door to see flailing legs, and long dirty blonde hair flying every which way.

"Go figure, Marissa Cooper." Seth said.

Those were my thoughts exactly. More than a couple of times she had been caught with hard-core drugs... I think most recently it was cocaine or something like that. I think she's been using a lot longer than anyone thinks. She lost a lot of weight recently, her dark jeans hung loosely on her hips, but her black t-shirt fitted her frame leaving no bone to the imagination. People think that's she's more troubled than most... I'm not sure I think so. I mean, I get that she does bad stuff, but we all do... The difference with her is she's trying, I know she is. I saw her try to quit smack, she almost did it too, ... cold turkey.

"Take a picture." Seth said as I felt him arm jab me in my side.

... I didn't even know that I had been watching...

"Shove it Cohen." I said, again turning to my magazine. I was looking for listings, I need to find a job before I'm out of this place. "Besides, we all see how you look at Summer Roberts."

"Me, Summer, no!" Seth said.

Why did I say anything? Now this conversation was going to have to get longer!

"I see the way you stare at her. You want her Seth."

"Nu uh." Seth said. Sometimes he really reminded me of a little boy.

"Right." Not for a second did I believe him.

"Anyway I heard she was like the ocean down there." Seth said in a hushed tone.

"Wet?" I asked bluntly. Seth cringed

"No man, crabs!" He said.

"EW COHEN!" A high pitched voice that came from behind him said.

I didn't even have to turn around to know who said it. That ew could only be said in such a manner by one...

"It's just what I heard!" Seth asked as he received a hard punch in the shoulder.

Summer was small, but she knew how to defend herself. All of the girls here do.

"What happened with Marissa?" I asked trying to change the topic... not that talking about crabs was fun... right...

"What about me?" The tall girl asked now sitting beside me.

We all turned stunned that the girl wasn't spending time in the "quiet room." It was where people went when they needed to cool down.

"Um, nothing... I just saw..." I couldn't even finish my sentence, I just stared at her blankly.

"You didn't see anything." Marissa snapped but in a cool way.

She's the only one that I know that can get their point across like that. Crisp, clean, and clear.

"So Atwood, I hear you're turning 18 soon." Summer said

"Yeah."

"Sweet, what's the plan?" Marissa asked sitting with her legs crossed. She had dark circles under her eyes.

"Donno yet." I said looking down, I couldn't stand all of the eyes on me.

"I was thinking if you needed company, my birthdays only a week later." Seth said. "Let me come with you. Two salaries, we can get a semi-sweet apartment, pick up some chicks." He winked at me.

Sometimes I wonder where that kid came from.

"Whatever man, just as long as you don't do that... talking thing..." Seth isn't always bad company... I would never admit I like the guy, but he's kinda like my brother in some twisted sort of way.

"Well then I'm coming too!" Summer piped up

"You're not 18 yet." Marissa pointed out

"Neither are you!" Summer snapped back

"Well you guys are going to need a hot girl to like get stuff... and stuff..." Summer said turning to us.

She did have a point. Seth and I weren't the best looking guys... well maybe, I don't really know.

"Ho." Marissa mumbled

"Addict." Summer said loud enough for Marissa to hear.

I caught Marissa by the wrist when she shot up. Her house arrest bracelet cut my hand a little. I have no idea how she manages to get those things off.

"Calm down. I really don't care who comes, as long as you pay your own way and stay out of my business. Got it?" I made clear.

"Yeahs" were heard from all around, including from Marissa.

"Now we just have to find a way got get Summer, Cooper, and I out... we're not 18 yet."

**And thus our journey began**

* * *

**I forgot to add at the begininng that this story has nothing to do with actual "Bohemian Rhapsody", I just wanted to use the song. Each chapter title is a lyric to the song, and each POV title is a lyric to the P.O.D song youth of a nation. I was deciding which to use for the story and decided that this was a good compromise. I think the title "Bohemian Rhapsody" just reels you in more. Anyhow as I said before. Please read and review! It's been my first OC fic in awhile. **

**xoxo Jules**

**REVIEW**

**PS: This is the first POV fic I've written. How did I do?**

****

** In later chaps we'll get into more of the characters backgrounds**


	2. Is this just fantasy

**Thank you guys so much for the amazing response to this story! I know that I just posted the last chapter, but I wanted to post this tonight because I will be gone all weekend. BTW, check out a new story from converses rolled down, called "Just let it bleed" while I'm away. It's awesome.**

**I totally love where this chapter went. Please don't let the reviews stop now! Let me know what you think so I have lots of love when I get home. **

**xoxo Jules**

** And so the angst continues...**

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 1: "Is this just fantasy-"**

**Ryan POV: **I wish I would've known

What was I thinking letting the whack job, walking STD, and coke addict come with me? They're just going to bring me down.

"Shit!" I said as a car sped past me and flung mud into my face causing my last cigarette to go out.

"That's going to be us one day man." Seth said patting me on the back.

Damnit, he was so quiet for a minute I forgot he was there.

"What? Gangsters in old beat up cars with gold teeth?" I asked Seth

"Ha, real funny. So what I was thinking when we bust outta this place we don't need to work."

"Oh yeah?" I asked still mourning the loss of my cigarette

"Yeah, see you can send Summer out on the street corner and there's like what, 500 a client? Then there's Marissa, I mean, we all know she deals so how much money is that!" Seth said grinning foolishly.

"'s all well and good man till the cops bust out asses for dealing and pimping."

"Yanno." Seth said shrugging.

I didn't comment, thankful that the conversation was over. Right then a cab pulled up to the side of the road. Marissa stepped out, her body swaying from side to side.

"You alright there Cooper?" Seth asked not bothering to help.

Marissa nodded before nearly fainting in my arms. Shit? What do I do now!

"Seth, get the door!" I ordered

"Your wish is my command."

I everyone stared at me as I dragged Marissa down the hallway, everyone's reactions of stone. People like us have this way of turning their hearts off. The expression of emotion of any kind is a bad thing. Emotions show vulnerability, and if you are vulnerable you are just going to get walked on. Usually it was everyman for himself, but it was different when it came to Marissa. There was something about her.

We followed the long hall until we got to Marissa's room. Seth pushed the door open and I helped Marissa onto her bed.

"So do we like, just leave her here or something?" Seth asked me

I looked at Marissa trying to put the memories that seeing her like this, drudged up in the back of my mind. I had to take care of my mom like this all of the time when I was younger.

"No, we have should probably wait for her to wake up before we leave her..."

I've waited for people to wake up before, ... I remember when I found her, lying there dead on the kitchen floor. It was my fault. I saw what she was like when I went to school that dad. I should have stayed with her. I should have helped her...

"You don't have to stay man." I told Seth

I feel like if I take my eyes off of her she will disappear... just kinda fade away yanno? I just kinda feel like I need to protect her. I felt her cold clamy forehead with the back of my hand... she had a light dusting of freckles on the bridge of her nose... I never noticed before. Her eyes would flutter open and closed, big, blue, glazed over... She seemed like a small child. I think that we are all children still in our own respects.

"What the hell happened?" Came a voice from the doorway.

I turned to see Summer in the doorway fixing her short skirt and wiping a substance that I didn't dare question from around her mouth.

"She's on something. Coke or smack probably." I said still not taking my eyes off of her fragile frame.

"What are you doing here?" Seth asked turning to face Summer

"She is my roommate." Summer said sitting down on the bed adjacent to Marissa's.

I had almost laughed when I heard that Summer Roberts and Marissa Cooper were roomies. They couldn't have picked two more polar opposites.

"Is she alright?"

The genuine concern in Summers voice surprised me.

"She should be." I said as I scooted up on the bed beside Marissa to provide more space in the cramped room. Seth came all of the way in as well and closed the door.

I jumped as Marissa began to stir.

"No!" She mumbled turning over. "No, stop... No!" She said again. "I don't want it!" She said straining against a non-existent force.

I was caught off guard by the sudden outburst. What was she talking about? I had no clue... That was one thing here that nobody talked about, their pasts. Marissa was no exception. Sure there were rumors. She'd been using since she was six, her first line at eleven, but nobody knew the real story.

"It's okay." I said grabbing her arms and pinning them above her head as her limbs began to flail. "Does this happen a lot?" I asked Summer

Marissa was no longer making noises but she was flipping around violently on the bed.

"Sometimes during the middle of the night. I try to hold her down the best that I can... It's like she's having a nightmare that she just can't wake up from or something." Summer explained.

"Does she wake you up?" Seth asked without having an actual point.

"I don't sleep." Summer said quickly looking away from Seth and I and down to the street.

As suddenly as it began Marissa became still... her body was drenched in sweat as she relaxed back in her bed. A large gasp escaped her body. Memories of my mom came flooding back to me, I let go of her hand...

There was an awkward silence, nobody was quite sure what to say.

"So what's it? Like five weeks now till we get outta here?" Summer asked

"Yeah, I guess it is." I said for the first time glancing away from Marissa, although for only a second.

"We've got to make a plan." Seth said

Hum, how about you get some serious counseling, and Marissa go into detox, and Summer go to sexaholics anonymous? That's what I was thinking anyway, but I went a safer route.

"Yeah man." Was all that I said

"So I was thinking that we could do this totally stealth, like black body suits and all!" Seth said excitedly

"Or I could steal the keys from a guard when I'm feeling them up," that's one thing about Summer, she is blunt to say the least "and then Marissa can pry open the gate, cause she's so good getting off her house arrest bracelet and stuff, then that will be it."

You might ask why we have to escape from a place like this if it's a "house". Answer, you have to sign out wherever you go, if you aren't back or haven't checked in with two hours people will go looking for you. If we leave in the middle of the night then that gives us more time to get away, and then that's it. This whole think is ridiculous for me because I can just walk out of here in a month... It would be so easy for me to walk away, leave them... I would probably do it too... but they need to get out of here just as much as I do.

**I glance down at Marissa again. The freckles....**

* * *

**The first two chaps were Ryans POV, but the next may be Summers, that's what I'm planning now. What do u think? I get Ryans birthday keeps changing, so I am going to say right here right now he will be 18 in five weeks and then that's it. lol **

**Its totally 2 am here and I have school tomorrow and was late today so I've gotta jet, let me know what you think!**

**xoxo Jules**


	3. Caught in a landslide

**Sorry, no time for my normal long rants, I have SO much homework and I want to read the bible some before bed time. I love you all! Review! Still check out "Just let my Blood Drip", it's an awesome story. Um, read and leave yout love. BTW this is Summers POV. I have to add though Sis2aCesarsalad, don't be so critical to people who are so called "whores" or whatever. Everyone has a story, nobody is just anything, it's not right to judge anyone for it, even if it is just a character. lol, it's life.**

xoxo Jules!

****

* * *

**Chapter 2: "Caught in a landslide-"**

**Summer POV: **Cause I didn't kiss my mama goodbye

People think that I'm a slut, like that's it, as if it is that simple. I guess that just proves how stupid and Naïve people can be. They don't know me, they'll never know me. Unless you have been through what I have been through you'll never understand me either... at least I don't think you'll understand me... nobody's ever tried...

"What ya doing? Reading the Kama Sutra?" Seth Cohen asked as he slid in my seat next to me.

This kid is like a disease! He's annoying and painful and you think he's gone but he always comes back!

"No." I said as I slid my book down under the table.

It's easier for people to think that you are just the stupid whore...that way...well that way there are no real expectations.

"What do you plan on doing when we get out of here?" Seth asked me

What was it with this kid and getting out? ... Don't get me wrong, I can't stand Cohen, but the kid's got dreams, and that's something really rare around here.

"I don't know. You?" I responded shortly.

His eyebrows raised. People always seemed surprised when I didn't have a smart comeback, and didn't do the Diva eye roll. People are threatened by the unfamiliar, and who am I to put people outside of their comfort zones right?

"I don't know. I wanted to sail to Tahiti one day actually." Seth confessed.

See, big dreams, no surprise to me. The road blocks don't matter to a kid like Seth, he's always so... optimistic. I wish that I could be that way. I guess that life just dealt Cohen and I very different cards...

"That sounds cool." I said smiling honestly

Seth smiled, most likely from getting a smile out of my normal stony... self.

"Yeah, I don't have a boat or anything but I used to sail." Seth said

"Really? When?" I asked honestly interested. Seth never talked about his past.

"A long time ago." Was all that he said looking away from me.

I looked at Seth sadly. I don't like it when he gets that way, all sad and stuff. Seth is the only one here with a past worth missing. I mean, he doesn't talk about it or anything, you can just tell something's missing.

Marissa, Ryan, and I, there was nothing in out past's worth looking back on that I could tell at least. I don't know much about Ryan's past. He's quiet and broody and stuff. He pretty much keeps to himself. From what I know about Marissa is that she was something like the ninth of eleven kids, and from what little I have heard her say about her mother I have gathered that she was a crack whore that would do anything for a hit... Her mom had a lot of kids, some were with their fathers, others were taken away by social services.

"Yeah, well, I'll catch you later." I said as I stood up and walked back to my room, with my book clutched tightly to my chest.

Emotional conversation, never a good thing. When you share something deep with someone you get attached. There's no point in getting attached to something if you end up loosing everything anyway.

I escaped to the only place where I knew that I could be alone. My room. I never counted on Marissa being there seeing how she was always passed out in one corner or another somewhere, but today was different.

"Hey." I said when I came in, I didn't want to surprise her. If you snuck up on Marissa you could count on having a pocket knife flashed at you in a matter of seconds. "Are you alright?" I asked her when I saw her sitting in the corner of her bed rocking back and forth. Just looking her you could tell she was clammy and her skin had lost all color.

"Yeah, I'm fine." She managed to stutter out.

"No you're not." I said sitting on the foot of the bed.

That is one thing about Marissa and I. We are there for each other when we need it, but otherwise we don't acknowledge one anothers existence.

"They're sending me away." Marissa confessed

"What?" I asked. I was surprised, I mean sure, there had been threats in the past that they were going to send her away but nobody had actually taken the incentive to do anything. "Where?"

"Some institution or something." Marissa said in an expressionless voice.

"When?" I asked still unsure of what to think of any of this.

"Two days or something. As soon as another bed opens up..." She said looking up at me

I was shocked by the gesture. Never in our years here did I see Marissa look anyone in the eye. Her eyes were always pointed downward or staring blankly at the wall as if she were trying to look for something that wasn't there.

"Do you mind, um... going?" I asked. I am pretty sure that this has been the only time that I've been at a loss for words.

"They act like it's my fault!" Marissa suddenly yelled causing me to jump back. Tears suddenly sprung from her eyes. What was going on?

"They act like what's your fault?" I asked attempting to take hold of her hand, but she swatted it away...

"Me, all of this, the drugs!" Marissa said as she pursed her lips together but I could still see them quivering as she tried to hold back the rest of the tears...

"Well then whose fault is it?" I asked attempting to put together the pieces.

"I didn't want to do it. I was in trouble, I spilt red juice on the carpet... I get beaten, I cried. She tried to calm me down. I tried to calm myself down, I was just so upset... I was so upset... then she lit up the joint and held it to my lips. I didn't want it, but I had to breath, I had to take it... I was six." Marissa summed up. "I never wanted to be her."

As I watched Marissa, as I listened, REALLY listened to her I understood. I never wanted to be my mother either, but that's who I'm becoming... but I will never let the things happen to my daughter that she let happen to me. Maybe we won't end up at the same place, I didn't end up knocked up at 16.

"I understand." I said. I don't know why, but I reached out for her again, but this time, I didn't let go and she didn't push away. This time she let me hold her.

It took me hours to get Marissa to calm down and then she eventually drifted off to sleep. Next order of business, I had to go find Ryan and Seth. I wandered down the hallways looking for them.

"Hey." One of the male nurses said groping me through my shirt.

"Not now Joey." I said pushing him off of me...

Every time I was with a guy I felt dirty. I feel like I felt when I was little... Seth and Ryan were watching me from the end of the hall. I know what they were thinking "how could a slut like her turn a guy down". I'm just going to let them think what they want. Theres more important stuff to deal with now.

"Hey, I need to talk to you like now." I said bouncing anxiously from foot to foot as I pulled them into a storage closet that I remembered all too well from the night before from a late night rendezvous with the late night security guard.

"Summer, I didn't realize that you were into the whole threesome thing, although I'm not surprised." Seth said cockily to me. Like I would ever want him... that's just EW!

"Shove it Cohen. This is about Marissa."

When I mentioned her name Ryan's head snapped to attention.

"What about her?" He asked

"She's getting sent away in two days. We have to get out of here before then. She doesn't belong in an institution or anything!" I explained

"So what are you trying to say?" Ryan asked from where he still stood leaning against the toilet paper rack.

"That we have to leave here, tonight."

"All the more reason to go stealth!" Seth said leaning against the feminine products rack.

**I'm going to kill that kid one day.**


	4. No escape from reality

**New chap. I posted this because it's already typed... I will update everything later. So I was called into the office friday and basically told I'm prob. getting kicked out of school. Wish me luck!**

**xoxo Jules**

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 3: "No escape from reality-"**

**Seth POV: **"I didn't tell her that I loved her"

So tonight's the night that were are going to try to get out of here. I only say "try" because we might get caught. I told Ryan, Summer, and Marissa to go stealth but NO, they're too cool for that.

See people may not get where I fit into this entire plan. I'm the brains of it all. See Marissa is the skill, Summer the keys, Ryan the distracter, but this plan can't go down if not for the brains right?

Yeah so I wonder where I fit into this a lot of the time. Not like even just the group yanno? It's like where do I fit in this life. I don't know why but something is telling me that my answer is on a boat on the way to Tahiti sailing away without me.

"You pack like a girl." Ryan muttered at me.

"Just because I'm bringing more than one pair of underwear." I joked back before I looked down at my bag and realized just how much I had. It's no big deal. I bet Summer has more.

"I'm just saying that it's not like we have a car or anything, all of that you're going to be carrying on your back."

I looked down at my bags.

"Maybe I don't need so much underwear." I said which now left me an entire bag lighter.

Ryan looked at me and smiled. It was even harder to get a smile out of him then it is to get one out of Summer. I don't know, sometimes I feel like he just doesn't like me, like at all... When I was little I didn't have very many friends. I grew up on the eastern shore in Cape Cod. I loved it there. I had to move in with my grandfather in Newport beach after...

"Cohen!" Summer said as she appeared in my doorway with Marissa close behind.

Cohen, sometime I wonder if she actually knows my name...

"It's almost time." Ryan said tossing his backpack on his back.

That was the last of the bags, Summer and Marissa had been smart and tossed their belongings in a bush somewhere in the city during break time. We were going to go get them later. I looked out of the window, I didn't realize that the sun went down. My watch read 12:45, we wanted to have the plan in motion by 1:15 at least.

**Summers POV**

Here goes nothing. I knocked lightly on the outside of the security door where the late night patrol was watching the girl locker rooms... enough said.

"Hey Ronnie." I said winking at a guard I knew all to well.

"Hey Summer." He stuttered.

I entered the office and shut the door. I was wearing a pair of Ryans pants because I didn't own anything with enough material to hide keys in...

"How are you tonight?"

He asked as he pulled me to him so that I was now straddling him on the chair.

"I'm fine..." I said as I began to kiss his neck and rub my hands down his thighs.

Ronnie isn't the worst looking guy here. And he is better than the greasy old doctors that you can feel eye ogling your ass from a miles away.

"I've missed you." He said as he pulled me even closer to him.

"Have a rubber?" I asked him between kisses

"Shit!" He said as he sat me down in the chair and searched his pockets. "No, I'll be right back." He said planting one last kiss on me before he headed out to find a condom.

I rubbed my hands up and down my arms trying to get the feeling of him off of me. I took a deep breath as I grabbed the keys from the table where he had left them and then I made my way back to the room where Marissa, Ryan, and Seth were waiting for me. Seth gave me an odd look when I re-entered the room. I was silent as I tossed the keys on the bed beside Marissa who was paling with dark circles under her eyes, withdrawal.

"Ready?" Ryan asked taking charge of the situation. We all nodded unsurely.

Ryan was the first one to make his way down the hall and crouch in the corner by the main exit. He had the keys in his pocket. Marissa waited a bit before she made her way to the same place, creeping along the main desk so that the Roberto on the late staff couldn't see her. As not to be seen she had to squeeze her body nearly on top of Ryans in the corner.

Ryan carefully maneuvered across Marissa and unlocked the door. He made a space for her and allowed her to slip out first, and then he did. He left the door unlocked for Seth and I so we could slip out later. They went to get started on the main gate.

Seth gave me a gentle nudge and I began to crawl across the floor only to be dtopped by a pair of big black boots. I looked up to see Roberto from the front desk.

"Didn't know that you were on your knees that much." He said with a cocky grin

His words cut deep, but I would die before I let anyone know that. He yanked me up effortlessly by my arm... I guess he didn't see Seth in the corner.

"What are you doing out this late?" He asked in a growl as he pushed me against the front desk

I couldn't answer him, I had no words, I was frozen...

"No going to answer me." He asked

Even in Ryans big baggy pants I felt naked...

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Seth asked from the corner.

"Mind your own business kid." Roberto said still with a tight hold of my arm

"Let her go." Seth said

I was surprised by his confidence.

"What did I say kid!" He snapped pushing me to the floor and charging towards Seth. He punched Seth in the stomach, who in response kneed him in the balls causing Roberto to crumple to the floor.

"Come on!" I said grabbing Seth by the arm and pulling him from the building.

The alarms went off suddenly and you could see shadows of people running around.

"What the hell happened?" Ryan asked as we finally reached them out of breath. Marissa was working diligently trying to pry the gate open.

"Long story." I said quickly.

"Here!" Marissa said gesturing towards the hole in the gate.

"Come on!" Ryan said pushing Marissa and then myself through the hole, followed by Seth and then himself.

Seth risked getting away for me... he saved me...**and just like that life as we knew it changed.**


	5. Open your eyes

**Wow, sorry that I didn't update this like in the time I did the first chapters. Juior year is such crap. I had this written besides like a page and just never had time to finish it. Anyhow I'm really proud of this chapter and I think it may be one of the best chapters I've written of like anything. I really hope that you like it. It is TOTALLY angsty.**

**Please read and Review!**

**xoxo Jules**

**Dedicated to Meg ;) haha lol I updated for you **

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 5: "Open your eyes"**

**Marissa's POV: "and how much I care"**

It just figures that we would pick the coldest night to run. God, for once if things could just go our way, but no. They never do. Someone somewhere hates me. I really think so.

"It's freezing." Summer complained as she pulled her jacket around her

"Well maybe if you weren't wearing a mini skirt." Seth said

I rolled my eyes at the two as I trailed along behind them. They liked each other too much for their own good. We all know that Seth doesn't mind her skirt the way he's been staring at her legs the entire night.

I'm was used to this weather. We didn't have heat when I was little. There's nothing like a Chicago winter.

Looking around you couldn't escape the Christmas lights. They were strung from the light posts and wrapped around trees. If you looked in the windows of the houses that lined the street you could see families snuggled up on couches by the fires. Some opening presents... others just enjoying one another's company. I never really celebrated the holiday. It just didn't make sense. A big fat guy on a sleigh giving presents... Santa.

My mother never told me stories of Santa, or anything that could have been remotely pleasant. The closest I have ever come to seeing the guy was when my mom was screwing the Santa from the mall and he stumbled into our trailer Christmas eve drunk off his ass, and I as saw him screwing my mom on the couch.

There was one Christmas though, my last one at my house before social services took all us kids away. I was twelve. My mom was working late night at one club or another. I opened up the door to find two nuns with packages in their hands. They were bringing gifts to everyone in the neighborhood. We all got one thing, I got a doll that I name Lily... nobody knows but I still have her... to this day I have never been anywhere without her.

"You alright?" Ryan asked from behind me.

"Yeah." I responded as I watched my breath form in a cloud before my face.

"Look." Ryan said pointing up to the sky as the first snowflake of the night fell. "I forgot it was Christmas eve."

Behind us we could hear people singing Christmas carols. My mother had never let them come to the door.

"Yeah, me too." I said, my eyes fixated on the perfectly forming snowflakes. I smile when I saw them land on Ryans nose. I was brought back to reality when a chill ran through my body. I needed a hit. It had been too long.

"No seriously guys, my toes are like freezing off." Summer said stopping where she stood.

Ryan looked around. He was in every respect the leader of the group.

"I guess that we're far enough away from the House to stop." He concluded

"Yeah but now where do we stop." Summer asked looking around

"There." I said pointing to a church that stood right ahead.

"But there's a service going on." Summer said turning to us.

"There's a fire escape." I said walking past the group who followed quickly behind.

The fire escape was slick with ice, I almost slipped a time or two, both times I was caught by Ryan.

"Careful." He warned me "I'll go first." Ryan said lifting up the window to the attic of the church

Sometimes I hate how men feel like they have to protect the helpless girl. Oh please. I can take care of myself. I've done it for the past 17 years and it's worked so far. God if I could just do a line right now...

"Come on in." Ryan said helping Summer, Seth and I into the attic.

One thing that I could never stand was dust. I could fight of anything besides those little mites that hide under the couch or get tangled in the curtains. My one weakness, dust.

"Look here." Seth said

Ryan, Summer and I went to where he was standing at the wall. There was a plaque or something mounted on it.

"What does it say?" Summer asked

"I donno, anyone have a light?" Seth asked looking towards Ryan as Summer looked at me

I rolled my eyes as I pulled out my lighter and held it towards the wall.

"Saint Marys Attic, giving a home to the homeless 1875 - 1956." I read

"That explains all of this." Ryan said holding up his lighter shining it around the room. There were a couple of old oil lamps, and some old mattresses sprawled around the floors.

"It smells like death in here." Summer said wiping cobwebs from her shoulders.

I looked around the attic. I had stayed in worse places. I looked over at Seth to see that he was watching my feet. People always do that one thing, they have that one behavior that gives them away. Mine is playing with my feet, stepping on them with one another, shifting from foot to foot, twisting my shoelaces. I don't do it a lot, well maybe I do, but only when I need a hit, like really bad.

"I have to use the bathroom." I said looking for a way out of the attic when I found a small door.

"I have to go to." Ryan said completely on to me. Why can't people just give me five minutes peace! PLEASE!

"Come on then." I snapped

Summer and Seth stayed behind as Ryan and I found our way through the old, dark, secluded corridors of the church when we came to a big balcony.

"Look." Ryan said grabbing hold of my arm lightly. I jumped at him touch. Nobody touched me like that. Unless they're trying to restrain me or they want something.

I followed Ryan to the balcony. It was closed off, boarded up. It looked like someone had tried to build a wall to block it off from the rest of the church but had long been worn. Through it's holes and cracks you could see down into the Christmas service.

I was silent as I looked on. I have always wanted something to believe in. When you're a child you live in a world of make believe, but make believe comes with innocence, and my innocence was taken from me a long time ago. I envy those people who can believe in a god, be so sure of themselves. Some people say that it's never to late, for forgiveness, salvation... Lord forgive me for what I'm about to do.

"I think that I found a bathroom." I told Ryan sneaking away

I pushed open an old door. Sure enough I found a bathroom. I turned on the faucet surprised to see water emerge from the large tubes. I searched the floor for pieces of the broken mirror that were scattered about.

Glass was broken upon the floor in a way that if you look down you can see your own image broken. Sometimes I hate how much I look like her. I looked at her even as a child and I hated her. How can I see the same face that I have hated for my life the entire life and be okay with it? How can I be okay with me?

Picking up a piece of glass from the floorI tapped some of the contents of my vile onto it. Using a credit card that I stole from some guy on the street I cut it into lines, and then I rolled a dollar bill... the rest is history.

I wandered back out to the balcony in a haze. The sound of the choir was dim and foggy, fluffy almost, can sound be fluffy? If it can that's what I heard, fluff.

"You find a bathroom?" Ryan asked staring at me

"Yeah." I said sitting beside him finally feeling calm

Ryan nodded at me knowingly.

And so it went we sat in silence, taking in everything that we could never have, never be. We looked down at the people with hope only knowing failure, regret, and pain.

* * *

**By the way thank you for the amazing reviews thus far. Leave 'em and let me know what you think! Who should the next POV be?**

**xoxo Jules**


	6. Look up at the sky and see

**How long has it been since I've updated? Forever, I know. I have been totally bogged down with school stuff. What college do you think is the best between Goucher, Temple, Towson, and the University of Tampa? Any imput would be lovely, lol. Alright now, this chapter is Summers POV and rather long to make up for the lack of updates. So about that... lol. Um, anything else to say? This chapter is, as requested, what went on with Seth and Summer while Ryan and Marissa were out and ends with the four of them... don't want to spoil anymore! PLEASE READ AND REVIEW. I want to know what you all think. The stories with the most reviews will probably take priority seeing how busy my schedrule is right now. Thanks a lot loves!**

**xoxo Jules**

* * *

**Chapter 6: "Look up to the skies and see-"**

**Summer POV: Or thank my pops for all the talks **

"I wonder what's taking them so long." Seth said as he sat in the windowsill.

I looked at him. I have no idea how he can stand that draft.

"Did you celebrate Christmas at home?" I asked sitting on the bed attempting to ignore the horrible stench of the thing.

"No. Well not exactly." He said with a sparkle coming to his eye

"What do you mean?" I asked. So maybe I was, as I usually am with Seth, a little more interested in what he has to say than I let on.

"It's nothing really. I was a kid."

"Oh come on Cohen, we have nothing better to talk about."

The dim streetlight cast an eerie glow across Seths face as he sat in the window. In the small bit of light I could see snowflakes lightly falling around him.

"It was called Chrismukah." He said grinning a bit, at memories I suppose. I have no memories to grin at, smile about.

"Chrismukah?" I asked not surprised by the oh so Choenish play on words.

"Yeah, my dad was Jewish, my mom wasn't, so we settled somewhere in between."

"Sounds nice." I said leaning back

"I guess so." Seth said shrugging, and then he went silent.

I didn't know Seth very well but what I do know is if he gets quiet you must have struck a chord somewhere. I guess we all have our secrets though. I remember Christmas morning waking up at my Grandmothers house, this was when I was young, before she died, before I had to go live with my mother… I was five, I had no idea that it was going to be our last Christmas together… we decorated the tree together, and she always let me put the star on top. We would fall asleep on the couch by the fire, but I would wake up in my bed and come downstairs to tons of gifts under the tree…

I was five that Christmas, I don't think that I have another pleasant memory since. Grandma died a week later, she fell down the stairs when I was at school. I came home, found her there… My mom took me after that. She would work late into the night at clubs, or she'd work the corner, and leave me with her sleazy boyfriend for the nights. She knew what was going on. She let it happen. The longer they got what they wanted from me the longer they'd stay and help with the bills, and support my moms little drug habit.

"What about you? What would you do this time of year?" Seth asked me.

I sighed. Nobody ever asked me about myself.

"I wouldn't do anything."

The first Christmas after my grandmother I remember sitting in the windowsill like Seth was, staring out to the street. It was like watching a slideshow of your past, everything good for that matter. That's how I knew he was lonely, he was missing something. I was the same way once. I had hope. I had love. I had protection. I guess my hearts just gotten hard since then.

"You have to have some memories, something!" Seth proded

I choked back tears at the memories. If it had been any lighter in the attic Seth could have seen me go pale.

"I was six. It was my first Christmas away from my Nana… My mom was out that night. She was working the corner out by our house. Her boyfriend was there with me. I was sitting in the window… It was snowing. He called me into their room. He said that he wanted to give me a present. When I got to the room he was sitting on the bed… he wanted me to sit next to him. I did. He pushed my bangs from my eyes and told me that I was even more beautiful than mommy. Then he kissed me…" My voice faded off as I spoke.

I will never forget that night. I will always remember how mom came in and saw everything, but she did nothing, nothing at all. Later I figured that she was jealous, I don't know why, I didn't want those guys doing that stuff to me. She blamed me for taking away her figure. She acted as though I took them all away from her… and she hated me for it. She called me a whore, and she called me dirty… it was true…

"I'm sorry." Seth said from the window

I shrugged.

"It's the past." I said acting as though I didn't care.

"Next time this year we'll be in Tahiti. I'll take you with me. We can be on the beach under the sun. And we won't have a Christmas tree. We'll decorate a palm tree, and put a menorah right beside it. It'll be awesome."

I couldn't help but smile. I have never known anyone like him… so… strange

"You're talking crazy Seth. Look at where we are now. We will never been in Tahiti this time next year, Tijuana maybe, but not Tahiti."

"You just wait." Seth said turning away from the window.

When Ryan came back Marissa wasn't with him.

"Come here." Ryan said

"Where's Marissa?" Seth asked "She use?"

Ryan shrugged.

"She's to calm not to have."

I chewed my lip. I promised myself I wouldn't do drugs, I wouldn't be like my mother. I never imagined that I would be surrounded by so many people constantly in pain until I went into the system… At least I'm not alone anymore.

We followed Ryan out and down some abandoned halls when we came to a balcony. Marissa was there hunched in the corner with her arms wrapped around herself. She was humming with content.

_Oh holy night  
The stars are brightly shining_

I looked through the cracks of the wall to below where seats were filled with families. Little girls sat on their fathers laps, but their dad's didn't want anything from them. When I was young I didn't know people like that existed, outside of my Nana. When she was taken away from me the world turned sour.

_It is the night of our dear savior's birth, ohh yeah  
Now long lay the world in sin and error pining  
Till he appeared and the soul felt it's worth_

And then the people stopped singing and bowed their heads to pray. I never got that whole "ask and you shall receive", thing. I have asked for so much, I've even prayed. Why am I here now? Maybe I've asked for to much. God is probably like all men anyway, you've got to at least give them head to get something out of him. I bet there'd be a long line of people wrapped around the earth for that one.

_A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices  
For yonder breaks, a new and glorious morn_

_There can't be a God, he just can't exist. If he did why would there be such pain? Why does Ryan always have his guard up? Why can't Marissa go without a fix? Why did those guys do those things to me? And for the love of God why can't Seth have his Chrismukah?_

_Fall on your knees, oh hear the angel voices  
Oh night divine, oh night when christ was born  
Oh night divine, oh night, oh night divine_

_I looked around. Marissa was still hunched over in the corner. Her eyelids were fluttering open and closed… Ryan stood beside Marissa occasionally glancing down to make sure that she was still conscious. She had been known to overdose a time or two. Seth sat alone, his face expressionless. His knees were pulled to his chest and his head rested on them. His eyes were fixed on something that no-one else could see._

_Our father, who art in heaven  
Hallowed be thy name  
_

_I don't know a whole lot about Christmas, but I do know that it's about giving. People in my life made that very clear to me. I always made other people happy this day… even if it was at my own expense. I don't know why, but for some reason it's important for Ryan, Seth, and Marissa to know that I am not a cold hearted whore, even if that's what everyone has said._

_Thy kingdom come, thy will be done  
On earth as it is in heaven_

"I'll be right back." I said excusing myself from the group.

I didn't know very much about Ryan and Marissa's holiday pasts but maybe getting through to Seth would get through to them.

I wandered back to the room where we're staying, the attic. Looking around I was happy to finally find something. There was a coat hanger, I sat it in the center of the room, and threw one of the green shelter blankets over it. I wrapped gold garland around it that I had found in the hallway, and then put a flashlight under the blanket making it look like it glowed. It was perfect. But there was one thing missing…

_Give us this day our daily bread  
And forgive us our trespasses  
As we forgive those who trespass against us_

Searching further I came across old coat hangers. I bent one hanger in the shape of a "U". The rust wore on my hands but that didn't matter. I continued to bent the hangers until I had constructed a menorah. It looked like a school childs art project, but it was good for me. I was never too artistic.

There had to be candles around, this place is like forever old. I searched again until I came across a box filled with noting else but candles. I stuck the candles on the metal spokes, and then placed the wire base of the menorah on the floor. I quickly lit the candles.

_Lead us not into temptation  
But deliver us from evil_

"Guys come here. I have something for you." I said as I stepped onto the balcony.

"What's going on?" Seth asked standing, followed by Ryan who helped Marissa to her feet.

I led them to the attic door.

"It's been a hard night." I began realizing just how cold I was still in my mini skirt. "So I thought it'd be cool to lay back and celebrate the holidays."

They all looked at me like I was crazy. All that any of us knew during this time of year was pain.

"Oh come on, it's not that bad!" I tried to assure them

_For thine is the kingdom  
The power, and the glory_

I slowly pushed open the door. The light from the candles and the flashlight illuminated the room.

"Happy Chrismukah!" I said. I was worried about how they would react. What if they hated it?

"Wow!" Seth said "You did all of this for me?"

"For us." I said realizing how small my voice became.

"What's Chrismukah?" Ryan asked confused

The grin that came to Seths face when Ryan asked him that was nothing like I had seen before. And then he started ranting about the beauty of having Jesus and Moses and everything in between.

_For ever and ever  
Amen  
_

_Marissa stood against the doorframe. I didn't expect much of a reaction from her anyway in her state, although she seemed to enjoy the light coming from under the "tree", seeing how her eyes were fixated on it… At least it was something._

"Thank you Summer." Seth said turning to me. "It means a lot."

I nodded. So I gave someone something this Christmas, but it felt different. It wasn't dirty or illegal, it was nice… it was comfortable…

"Yeah thanks Summer." Ryan said even smiling himself

Marissa mumbled something inaudible but it sounded like a possible thank you…

"No problem." I said "Happy Chrismukah everyone."

"Happy Chrismukah." Everyone responded in unison

And for the first time we felt something that none of us ever had before. We felt family.

**_Fall on your knees, oh hear the angels voices  
Oh night divine, oh night when christ was born  
Oh night divine, oh night  
_**

* * *

**What'd you think? Doesn't that purple box look of so pretty?**


	7. I'm just a poor boy

**A shorter chapter but I think that it has pretty good characterization. Sorry about the lack of updates, holidays seasons and contemplating stuff with the SAT's and school in general, not having the best GPA or PSAT scores myself... yeah, Anyway I found it hilarious on the Chrismukkah eppy how Summer like saved Chrismukkah like she did in the last chapter. Freaky coincidence huh?Funny thing this chapter had been written awhile and I forgot I had it like I tend todo alltoo often so I didn't post like a fool. Anyhow, please read and review, thoughts, who should be next? Let me know! I love you all and have a happy holiday season. Thanks!**

**xoxo Jules **

**

* * *

****Chapter 7: "I'm just a poor boy"**

**Ryan's POV: "And all the wisdom he shared"**

It think Seth's the only one here who ever really knew his father. Summer, well hers apparently ran off when the stick turned pink, and Marissa doesn't even know who her father is… was. She said something about the Santa at the mall, but she was under the influence of something when she spoke so I didn't get the entire story. My dad, he was around for awhile there, always in and out of jail. He got locked up for good when I was about nine. I haven't seen him since…

When I opened my eyes the next morning I forgot where I was. It was cold, freezing cold. I sat up I bed and pulled the blanket around me.

I looked around the room and suddenly it all came flooding back to me. The attic of the church, Christmukkah. I smiled at Summers Christmas tree. It was the first Christmas tree that I ever had. Well actually that's not true. Once my mom got us a tree, when she was working at the lot one year. It lasted for about a week, she fell asleep with a cigarette in her hand, enough said.

Then I felt that familiar tingle. Something about guys and the need to pee first thing in the morning. I left the attic and wander past the balcony looking for the bathroom that Marissa had found the night before. I breathed a sigh of relief when I finally came across it.

I pushed the heavy door open, I heard someone shuffling around inside.

"Marissa?" I asked in confusion watching her frantically tap the contents that were sitting on the mirror back into her vile.

"Oh Ryan, you're up!" She said standing up and smoothing out her pants.

"Yeah." I said keeping my eyes locked on her. She looked away from me. She couldn't look me back in the eye. She was a coward. "I had to pee."

She nodded at me.

"Pipes work up here?" I asked glancing at the toilet that sat in the room.

"Yeah." Marissa said

I looked at her again. She made no effort to leave the room. Was she really planning on watching me pee?

"Are you gonna-"

"Come on, it's not like I haven't seen one, or even looking for that matter." She said rolling her eyes as she pulled out a cigarette.

I tried not to acknowledge her presence as I relieved myself. Once I finished I turned back to her.

"So what time did you wake up?" I asked her

"I donno." She confessed

There was no way that you couldn't believe her with the dark circles that she had under her eyes.

"Why not?" I asked

She shrugged.

"I was sitting on the balcony-listening to the Christmas music."

"Were you singing along?" I asked with a smirk. I watched her face turn stale.

"I don't really know any Christmas carols… besides Rudolph" She said fixated with her feet. I don't think that she thinks people notice it. Her becoming fascinated with her feet when she gets nervous or uncomfortable.

I gave her a sympathetic half smile.

"Do know any?" She asked me with a playful smile.

I shrugged, but my blush betrayed my "coolness".

"Sing me something!" Marissa ordered.

"I don't sing." I said looking down

"Come on! I know you know Christmas songs!" She said, her eyes sparkling.

Something in me gave way and I began to sing.

"Oh the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful…" I sang until "and when we finally kiss goodnight," and then I couldn't remember anything after that. Sure I was humiliated, but the look on Marissa's face was worth it.

"You have an amazing voice!" Marissa said sarcastically.

I rolled my eyes. A girl like her you just don't know how to react to.

"Where you from?" She asked from where she sat on the sink. Her legs swinging back and forth on the counter.

I have found that Marissa can be quite pleasant after a fix when she's passed that… hazy stage.

"Chino. It's in California. You?" I asked

"Right here in Chicago." She said smiling

"I bet I'm the only person from California here huh? You have to be crazy with the weather and all." I said as I felt a shiver run through my body.

"I guess some people like snow and that stuff." She said shrugging and then becoming distracted by her cuticles.

Now the girls from the "home", might be a little more rough than others, but it's easy to see what they could have been like if they were dealt better cars.

I could see Summer on a beach somewhere, over tanning. She would be a daddy's girl, and have the hot jock boyfriend. Seth, well I don't think that he would be much different than he is now. He'd have more than one skateboard though, and he would be misunderstood, but that wouldn't change him.

But Marissa, I don't think that even in another life she could be happy. She might look a little happier on the surface, yanno, but she wouldn't truly be happy. Trouble seems to follow her wherever she goes. I'm not sure how positive I am that that will change.

She's a girl that will always need to be saved. Rhapsody would be foreign to her, as it is now. She's a the type of person that needs a person, she just hasn't found them yet. She is searching for physicality tangible or otherwise that I don't think anyone can give her. She reminds me of the one person who scared me more than anyone in the world, my mother. It wasn't that my mom was particularly bad to be, or that she couldn't be trusted with me, she couldn't be trusted with herself.

"Well I could do with out the snow very well." I said smiling

"You'll get used to it." She sighed "So California huh?"

"Yeah." I said wiping my hair from my forehead

"What's it like there?" She asked me with a childlike fascination.

"I don't know, it depends on where you are I guess." I said, a half smile coming to my face

"When I was a little girl I always dreamt of going to California to find my father." She said honestly.

It's weird sometimes when you see the real side of people come out. The honest side.

"Does he live there?" I asked

She shrugged at me

"I think he did once. My mom was out there visiting for awhile, and when I was little she used to call me her "west coast souvenir."

"She sounds like a nice woman." I joked

"She was a bitch." Marissa snapped her eyes turning distant and cold.

"Sorry." I said even though I'm not quite sure why.

She shrugged again. This girl is living proof that gestures can say a thousand words.

"I'm over it." She said although both of us knew that was a bold faced lie.

That's like me saying that I am over the fact that my dad ran out on us, and that all of my old friends are locked up, and I found my mom dead on the kitchen floor. As much as people try to convince themselves that they are over something I'm just not convinced that you can be.

**Some people say that time heals all wounds, all that I've found it does is create new ones.**

* * *

**What do you guys think? Review!**


	8. I need no sympathy

**So this is a pretty quick update. I think I'm rolling with these again. Hum... I think that when I finish up one of my One Tree Hill stories I will start another one for the OC with the aftermath of Jimmy's leaving. It will be Marissa centric with relationships to be decided because I'm kinda feeling the Ryan Lindsay thing. And besides it will be kinda of dark because that's my specality. I might explore the Marissa Alex relationship in it as well because I am a sucker for controversy, not to say it's to be a Malex (sweet I just made that up!) shipper or anything. I use the term explore loosely. Anyhow I think that you should review this story and tell me what you think about the other story idea, eventhough I'll probably write it regaurdless. R&R**

**xoxo Jules **

** SHOUT OUT TO CONVERSES ROLLED DOWN haha much love to you. I wear my converses up though... lol, look we found a difference! wink**

**

* * *

****Chapter 7: "I need no sympathy-"**

**Summers POV: "Unaware"**

So it's been like a week and a half since we left and no one has found us or anything, they probably didn't even look for us, go figure. We were the three biggest problems there, Ryan, Marissa, and I. Seth was just kind of indifferent to life, but that's just him. I'm not saying that I mind them not looking for us or anything. It just makes this whole escape thing a lot easier. But for once in my life I think I just want to be sought after. Sure I have been but that was purely sexual. It kind of leaves you stuck just going through the motions and not getting anywhere. I try to say that I can get a long on my own but I somewhere I know I am lying to myself.

"So…" Seth said as he came in with two backpacks "We have food." He said taking a seat on the mattress beside me

"Sounds good." I said glad to eat anything other that candy bars and Graham Crackers.

Seth opened the bag to reveal a rather large amount of food considering the little money we had.

"Woah, how did you score all of this?" I asked

"Turns out Marissa has a lot of room in her clothes which contributed to the majority of our stash, and it turns out Ryan has five rather gifted fingers, and mine are semi sticky themselves."

"Seth Cohen, a thief. I can't picture it!" I said with mock surprise

"Well there's a lot of things that would surprise you about me." He winked at me

I hate when he does that. The stupid flirtatious thing, he's so childish sometimes.

"Why the hell are you taking so long?" I heard Marissa yelled down the fire escape to Ryan in a playful voice.

She climbed through the window and joined Seth and I in the attic. Ryan entered moments later.

"The snow soaked through my shoes." He said shivering and kicking his shoes off of his feet.

Now I have never heard Ryan complain, but I guess there's a first time for everything now isn't there?

We all gathered in a group on the floor and began to munch on the food. Silently at first, and then Seth spoke.

"So we've got to get moving sometime soon. I swear that the nuns have to know that we are up here. They're all godly and stuff, they can like sense things like that." Seth said using rationale that only he would.

"Right…" Ryan said sarcastically

"Yeah but for once I have to agree with him." I spoke up "We're going to get found out sooner or later. I'm not too happy about going out onto the streets in the middle of winter or anything like that, but it's better then being sent back."

Which was the truth. I hated being stuck. Stuck at the home, stuck in life. I have never admitted that I wanted something more for myself aloud. Dreams get you in trouble, and hope makes you blind. When you dream you pursue those dreams, let go of all of you inhibitions. You loose sight of reality looking for a life that will never be yours. And hope? Hope makes you look past the truth. It makes you deny what is in front of your face. The longer you walk blind the sooner you're going to fall into a deep black hole that there's no way to escape from.

"What do you think Marissa?" Ryan asked drawing all of our attention to the silent girl.

"It doesn't matter." Marissa said standing up and tossing her sandwich down. "I have to go to the bathroom.

We were all silent as she left the room

**Marissa's POV: "I just did what I always do"**

I don't know why it scares me knowing that we might be leaving here soon. I never get particularly attached to anywhere, I never let myself. There never seemed to be a reason to get comfortable with something, situational or otherwise, that is ultimately going to get taken away from you anyway.

I drug my feet across the balcony as I looked down to the church. People were kneeling and lighting candles… Candle's are supposed to represent hope right? Because I was just wondering, … well if the candle's represent hope- then why does the flame go out?

I used to burn myself, watch the flame touch my skin. Subliminally I guess I was watching all hope cease with my touch.

Something within me, and I don't know what it was, drew me down the long staircase of the church that took me behind the large brass organs. I went down another two flights of stairs, and weaved in and out of the pews… My mind was telling me that I was crazy for doing this, but my mind never made sense, why should I listen to it this time.

I took a deep breath and the opened the door to the "confession booth", if that's even what it's called. I awkwardly sat down on the small bench.

"Hello my child." A soft voice came from the other side of the wall. I shuddered at the voice. It was deep, intimidating.

"I've never really done this before." I said tucking my knees under my body so that my butt was resting on my heels. "See I'm not Catholic or anything like that. I was just kind of curious I guess…"

He didn't answer. Why wasn't he answering? Wasn't he supposed to you know… I donno do something?!

"Maybe I made a mistake." I said standing up ready to flee the booth

"Please." His voice said again, softer this time "Stay."

I hesitated before once again taking a seat.

"So what do I just tell you how I've screwed up?" I asked

"If that is what you wish to do." He said as though he had all of the answers.

"I've done a lot of stuff that I regret." I … confessed

I don't even know why I did it exactly. Desperation maybe? I don't know. I don't have much of a religious backbone, but the one thing that I know is that I don't have to confess my sins to a person to be forgiven… I think I just needed someone to talk to that wouldn't judge me.

"Don't be scared." The voice said

"I hate a lot of things… more than I should I guess… I hate my past, I hate my mother… I hate myself… I've stolen, cheated, and lied… but the scary part is… well it's that I don't care. I feel nothing, nothing at all. Not even pain anymore. It's like I'm consumed by this numbness… emptiness."

I felt like I was going to cry, like I was just going to let everything go right there… but I'm too strong for that.

"What has troubled you?"

"Everything." I answered quickly. "Everything… I don't want to be like this anymore but I don't think at this point there's any turning back…"

**Sometimes there just is no way to turn back. It a ball and chain, life is the big ball holding the chain, and we're just all little chain links clinking back and forth getting nowhere.**


	9. cause I'm easy come

** So... heh... sorry about not updating a lot and stuff. I have just had some crazy weeks, very crazy, ANYHOW, I have a new chapter to this story which I am pretty confident was worth the wait (or at least I hope)... It's long-ish. It is also one of the more angsty chapters. Now I have to post this quick because I have to go to IKEA.**

**xoxo Jules**

** MWAH**

**Converses rolled down is the love of my life! ;)**

**

* * *

****Chapter 8: "Because I'm easy come"**

**Seth's POV: Everyday**

**It's been three weeks since we left the church and we're running fast to nowhere. Summer wanted to head out to the east coast, something about intellectuals. Everyone seemed in agreement until one day we stopped off at a diner and were watching the news only to realize that there was a huge cold front hitting the east bringing never ending snow along with it… so we opted for the warmer climate. There was no way that I was going to be homeless in eight degree weather. It's just not happening.**

"Do you want a refill of your coffee?" The waitress at the diner where we currently are stopped and asked Summer

"No I'm fine thanks." She said smiling. "I think that my friend here would like a refill of his milk though." She said shooting me a glare.

I had never seen someone so objected to a man having milk with every meal!

I smiled at Summer and polished off my third glass.

"Sure I'd like some more!" I said as the waitress walked away. "It does the body good." I said as I winked at Summer.

She looked at me with mock disgust. I know she wants me, it's just so obvious. But she's wanted everyone else too, she wasn't after them, she was after their money, and after… well I'm not sure but whatever she took from them I'm not sure that I want.

"What's up with you?" Summer asked swinging around on the stool to face me.

"Nothing." I said "Why?"

"Because you went all space cadet on me, like staring off into space and stuff." Summer said looking away from me and back to her toast which only the crust was eaten off.

"I donno, I was just thinking I guess." I said as the waitress brought me my next cup of milk.

"What do you think you're going to do when you get to California?" She asked me

"I don't know. I guess we can all get jobs, save up for a place-"

She looked amused as she cut me off

"Do you really think that we're all still going to be together when we get to California? Please!" She said with a chuckle

"What do you mean?"

I never really thought of us splitting up. I'm not too keen on the idea of being alone.

"Well think about it Cohen. Once we pass the "Welcome to California" sign Marissa is going to run to the nearest crack house never to be seen again, Ryan will ditch us because he never wanted us around in the first place, and you will go off sailing or whatever it is you do." Summer said all in one breath

"What about you?" I asked

"What do you mean what about me?" Summer asked as she turned away from me and stirred her coffee.

I never met a girl who had completely no faith in others or themselves. Summer really honestly thinks that I am going to leave her? It's just not happening.

"What will you do?" I asked her

"I don't know, go hook up with a Hollywood producer or something." She said shrugging

"Oh, the best way to catch syphilis." I said smirking. Summer looked at me amused by the fact that I was teasing her. "Or you can hop on my boat with me, we might catch some crabs but that's a risk I am willing to take."

Crabs? Shit, where the hell did that come from?

"I like those odds." Summer said with a smile

Oh my god! Is she flirting back with me! Is a GIRL actually flirting back with me?

"So where are Ryan and Marissa anyway?"

**Ryans POV: The Same Routine **

Sometimes I've gotta wonder if my life is going to be more than this, more than saving people. So yeah I get that that sounds selfish but I'm not sure how much longer I can do it. I look at Marissa and see my mother, the one person that hurt me more than anyone else in the world.

I turned to look at Marissa who was sitting next to me. I think we're in Nevada or something now. It's a pretty warm day considering it's winter. We've been sitting on this bench outside of some small town diner for like hours. The bus hasn't come yet… I don't even think Marissa knows what we're waiting for.

"Are you okay?" I asked Marissa as I watched her eyelids flutter open and closed.

"Yeah." She said slowly and the let her lips rest back together.

I'm kinda worried. She hasn't had a fix in nearly a week, she's not looking too good. Sometimes people die going through withdrawal. If Marissa doesn't get into a detox center it will happen to her.

Her skin had lost all of it's color, mind the freckles, and her hands were pale and shaky. Her skin was clammy with perspiration.

"You don't look too good." I said feeling her head.

She was burning up… It looked like it took all of her strength to stay upright on the bench while her hands trembled. She had dark circles under her eyes.

"I'll be right back." I said heading into the diner for a moment where I found Seth and Summer in a conversation about boats or something "Guys." I said interrupting

"What's going on man?" Seth asked me

"Nothin', I gotta go somewhere for a minute, can you and Summer watch Marissa. She's not doing too well." I said not meeting their eyes

"Yeah, no problem." Summer said heading outside right away.

"Where are you going?" Seth asked

"Don't worry about it. Don't leave until I come back, got it?" I asked

"Yeah." Seth said following Summer

I threw my hood over my head as I began to walk. It didn't take me too long to find a bad part of town. Guy sat on the porch stoops, weapons exposed, girls lined the street corners.

"Hey man." I said walking up a guy on one of the stoops. "Look I'm looking to get some coke or something." I said keeping my head to the ground.

"How much you need?" He asked me standing so he cowered above me. He pulled a bag from his pocket. "This is all I got, but my -"

"This is straight." I said looking at the baggie. "This laced with anything?" I asked

"Nah baby, this is the pure shit right here."

It took me an hour to walk back to the diner, not quite sure how to feel about what I just did, but if you think about it, Marissa could have died. When I got back to the diner they were on the same bench, but this time Marissa was asleep and her head rested in Summers lap.

"Where they hell did you go! We were waiting forever!" Summer asked

"Come on." I said to them helping Marissa off of Summers lap and leading them to the woods right behind the diner. "Do you have a make up mirror or something?" I asked Summer

"Oh no, you're not-"

"GIVE IT TO ME!" I yelled for no reason. Summer tossed me the mirror and the backed up beside Seth.

Marissa was sitting, leaning helplessly against a tree. I pulled the bag out of my pocket and cut it into lines.

"Oh man I can't believe this." I heard Seth mumble

"Take it." I said to Marissa. She looked at me hesitantly "TAKE IT!" I ordered again handing her the rolled bill.

Without looking up she devoured the lines. And when she was finished every bit gone, I collapsed against a tree sobbing like a child.

**Sometimes sacrifice is the greatest gift.**


	10. easy go

**Heh... I'm not quite sure what else to say. I know that it has been like forever since I updated. My life has been so hectic. As some of you know I am in my junior year and that means that there is so much work to be done between the SAT's, ACTs, SAT subject tests and college visits, and then there is soccer, sports, friends, and family. I have written this chapter little by little with whatever time I could get this past month. In addition to my issues I was messing around with one of my friends and it reulted in my broken glasses and so I can't look at my computer for long periods of time without getting a migraine. lol. BUT SOMEHOWI mangaged to get out this chapter and begin the next. Thank you all for sticking around through my insanity.**

**Converses rolled down: Where ya been amiga?**

**Jess and Chloe** : You guys have been awesome the way that you have been reviewing my stuff. Thanks, it means a lot

**Summer Breeze 171**: Thanks for the review. I like that people see that I am trying to stay true to the characters eventhough the situations may be different.

**

* * *

**

**arly forever. My life has been unbelievebly hectic lately. With Junior year and all comes college pressures which means that you have to get amazing grades, and then there are the SATs, and the ACT's and the SAT Chapter 9: "Easy go"**

**Marissa POV: Before**

I remember after being taken away from my mother sitting in these never ending therapy sessions, and there was one question that never ceased to make me physically ill. What are you depressed about?

Alright, my problem with that question is are people ever really depressed about any one thing? I mean, sure you can be upset about it, or angry, or even frustrated, but I am depressed because of my life. I am depressed because I have been using since I was nine, I am depressed because I never knew my father, I am depressed because of what my mothers good for nothing boyfriends did to me, I am depressed because I have no idea what happened to my brothers and my sisters, and among everything I am depressed because I am a junkie with no home, no family, and no hope.

We have been on this bus for god knows how long. We just passed the welcome to California sign. Nobody had spoken since we left the diner. I still can't believe that Ryan did that for me… not that I didn't appreciate it or anything, I just rather would have died.

To me death is not something to fear, or even over contemplate. It has always been welcome, a soothing thought. I think that only in death will I be able to escape from everything that haunts me in life.

I remember once I tried to end it. I took a razor to my arm and fell asleep bleeding. The next thing that I knew I awoke surrounded by doctors and had twenty seven stitches in my arms. God I am such a failure. I even screwed up trying to knock myself off.

I looked around, the bus had stopped, Ryan, Seth, and Summer were standing, I must have lost track of time.

As we left the bus the sun set peacefully against the ocean creating the most gorgeous shades of red, orange, and pink that I had ever seen. For a spilt second California seemed like it would be alright. It's one of those things though that I guess only time can tell.

"So…" Summer said rocking from foot to foot as the bus pulled away.

"Let's go." Ryan said tossing his sack over his shoulder and glancing at me before he headed towards the pier.

I followed behind him silently. I have no idea what I'm doing here, I have no idea if these people are even going to stick around!

That night we camped out under a life guard tower, everyone else was tired from the trip, even Summer was asleep, but me on the other hand couldn't get a wink of shut eye if I tried. I pulled Summers compact from my pocket and did a line…

I don't know how I ended up wandering along the beach, that happens sometimes when I use, blackouts… I just usually end up in some randoms bed… I guess I was too wasted to even realize it was raining.

I tilted my head back and looked to the sky as the water droplets began to coat my face. As I sunk to my knees I looked out to the ocean. I had never seen the ocean before. I never imagined that it could be so… big, endless. I watched in awe as the waves tormented the shoreline. The water so black it looked as if it could swallow you whole, you could just get lost in it… and I wanted to.

Suddenly I became aware of the cold, and looking around I no longer had any idea where I was. I noticed a light though on the boardwalk, and a sign above it that said "The Bait Shop". I wrapped my arms around myself as I made my way towards the light and pulled open the heavy door and slipped inside.

I guessed it was a club… there was a big bar and a stage. The entire place was empty save a girl that was humming and mopping the floor. I stayed cowered in the shadows as I headed down the long staircase. She stopped as though she felt my presence. I blinked only to open my eyes and find her now only about two feet away from me.

"Who are you?" The girl asked toughly

"I'm sorry, I saw the light, and it's raining outside." For some reason my voice sounded small and childish. I was surprised at myself

The girl stepped back and walked behind the bar tossing me a towel.

"You new around here?" She asked

I shrugged.

"Not much of a talker." She said hopping up on the bar stool. "That's cool."

"I can talk." I said unsure of how to take this girls confidence. "I'm actually kinda lost."

"What, like you don't know where you live?" The girl asked me looking amused

"No!" I snapped not liking the fact that she was mocking me. "I don't really have one of those right now, I am looking for a lifeguards stand thingy…" I said

"Why?" She asked raising an eyebrow

"Cause that's where I left my friends." I said becoming annoyed with her questions.

"Why are your friends at a life guard tower?" The blonde asked me tossing her towel to the side.

"I don't need this right now!" I said as I began to head for the door.

"Wait!" The girl called out behind me, much to my surprise. "I know the beach pretty well, just let me grab my jacket." She said heading to what I guess was a back room. "I'm Alex." She said when she returned.

"Marissa." I quickly responded heading out again.

I lost track of time as I wandered down the beach beside the girl until I saw three huddled forms under a tower.

"California will be better my ass!" Summer was yelling as she kicked Seth in the shin. Ryan just stood back with his arms crossed pretending to be unfazed by the rain and the wind although his shirt clung to him and he shivered. Then Summer swings towards me "And where the hell were you?"

"I went on a walk." I said moving my feet back and forth in the wet sand.

"You just went on a walk!" Summer said in disbelief. "And who is that?" She asked pointing at Alex whom I forgot was standing behind me.

"This is Alex, I got lost and she helped me find you guys." Marissa explained.

"Wait Alex?" Seth said still clutching her injured shin.

"SETH?" Alex asked in disbelief.

"You know this girl?" Summer asked. No doubt with a twinge of jealousy

"Yeah I do," Seth said not looking at anyone but Alex, "she's my cousin."

"God I haven't seen you in years!" Alex said wrapping her jacket around herself. "What were we like thirteen?"

"Yeah, at my parents funeral."

That was the first time that I ever heard Seth speak of his family. It always seemed to be a kind of sore subject.

"Why aren't you with Caleb?" Alex asked

I had no idea who Caleb was…

"He turned me into the state after a couple of months." Seth explained seemingly shocked that Alex didn't know this all.

"Wa-wa- wait." Alex said still in shock. "Caleb told us all that you were at boarding school in England somewhere."

"That sounds like our grandfather." Seth said

Alex looked at the four of us who without a doubt must have looked utterly helpless.

"You guys can come back to my place with me." Alex said gesturing for us to follow.

"I haven't seen Aunt Kirsten and Uncle Sandy in so long." Seth said as we followed Alex off of the beach.

* * *

**So in the next chapter we see Kirsten and Sandy, we meet Luke, is he any different? And we get new poits of view and there will be an appearance by Jimmy soon!**

**Please review and let me know what you think!**

**xoxo Jules!**

**sn: gutterflower528**


	11. A little high

**Another chapter? So soon? Oh you love me for it? I love you all too! This might not be as fast in the future but your reviews do help me keep on going. J, thanks for all of the reviews btw, I forgot to say that in the last chapter, you were someone that I wanted to highlight. Anyway, read and review guys!**

** xoxo Jules****

* * *

****Chapter 10: "A little high"**

**Alex's POV: Before I skate off to school **

I remember Seth from when we were little. Our moms were sisters, although from what I gather Caleb, our grandfather, was none too fond of Seth's mother, Ava, whom he never officially claimed. More than that our fathers were brothers. I think it's kind of creepy and borderline incestuous, but yanno, it was the Cohen boys with the Nichol girls. My mom, Kirsten, and Ava had been close until her death. Mom would have kept Seth in a heartbeat but Caleb insisted that he go with him. He said that the boy as weak and "girly" as he needed a strong male influence. We were thirteen when my Aunt and Uncle died. My mom hasn't been quite the same after she died.

"This is where you live?" Summer asked as I drove up in front of my house.

"Yeah." I said rather unimpressed with Newport life. I never really fit in here. I got out of the car but nobody followed. "You guys coming or do you want me to drop you back at the lifeguard tower." I said jokingly as they began to pile out of my jeep one by one.

Their eyes got big as I opened my front door, I shrugged off their awe. It was just a house, a unnecessarily big house, but a house none the less.

"You guys can hang out here. There are bagels on the counter and stuff if you are hungry or something." I offered.

I knew that they weren't going to take the food. Summer looked like a young, scared child, Marissa looked to emaciated to even consider it, Seth looked like he was on the brink of barfing, and Ryan seemed indifferent to the food.

"I'll be right back, I'm going to go see if my parents are up." I said heading upstairs.

I was quiet as I approached my parents room. One thing that they hated was to be woken up. I creaked the door open a bit. Sure enough they were asleep, but this was an emergency.

"Mom, Dad?" I said from the doorway. "You guys awake?"

Nobody said anything but the light on my moms side of the bed switched on.

"Are you alright honey?" My mom asked me

"Um, actually, I have some interesting news." I said with a smile.

"Who's the father?" My dad asked springing up in bed.

"No, no!" I said.

"It's that Luke punk isn't it?" He asked

"Dad, I'm not pregnant. Seth is downstairs!" I said quickly before my father flew off of the handle.

"Seth, as in my nephew?" My mom asked me

"Yeah, I came across him on the beach."

"What was he doing on a beach in a storm?" My mom asked me

"I'm not quite sure how to explain that one. Apparently Caleb got rid of his rights to Seth after three months. He was never in any boarding school. So he's been living in some group home for the past four years or something in Chicago." I explained not quite believing this entire thing myself.

"Oh I am going to kill my father." My mom exploded ripping the covers off of herself and rushing downstairs. My dad followed before I could explain Seth had company along with him.

I followed close behind them.

"Seth!" My mother said throwing her arms around him.

I could see that Seth was nervous at the touch.

"I am so sorry sweetie, we had no idea." My mother explained through tears.

"Your grandfather told us that you were away at boarding school." My father added on.

"And mom, dad," I said entering the living room, "This is Ryan," I said gesturing to the boy who was standing by the window with his eyes cast downward, "and this is Summer, and Marissa."

"Hi." Both girls quietly responded.

"You guys are soaking wet!" My mom announced. "Alex take the girls up to your room and get them something dry to wear, Sandy go get some t-shirts and sweats."

"You guys come with me." I said to Summer and Marissa who followed behind me each glancing at the boys quickly before heading upstairs.

I swung open the door to my yellow room.

"So this is it!" I said turning to them with a smile.

I went to my dresser and tossed each of them a hoodie and a pair of sweatpants. Suddenly there was a boom of thunder, and a flash of lightning, and then a teenage boy lying in my room after having fallen through my still open window. Summer jumped back and screamed. Marissa was in the bathroom changing.

"Oh god Luke!" I said helping him off of the floor. "What the hell you ass! It's storming outside!" I yelled smacking him on the back of the head which was still facing downward. "You could have gotten killed climbing up the terrace!"

Luke is just one of those guys that nobody really gets. I do, but only because we have been best friends and neighbors since birth.

Luke looked up at me to reveal a black eye.

"What the hell happened?" I asked gently touching the side of his face.

"Damn Al, did'ya hafta go hit me in the head like that?" He asked clutching the back of his head.

"I'm sorry Luke, I didn't know, you just scared me. It's been a weird night." I said helping him all of the way to his feet.

"Seems like it." He said looking at Marissa and Summer. "I didn't know you to have sleepovers."

"Oh sorry, Luke this is Summer." I said gesturing to them each. "Summer, this is Luke Ward."

"Hi." Summer said shortly raising her hand slowly in an almost waving motion. I have no idea what the hell Summer, Ryan, Marissa, and Seth have been through but I am sure that it's a lot. I can just tell it makes them so strained to simply live, I guess we all feel like that sometimes.

"Um, Summer and I are going to go grab some clothes for someone else and I'll get you something dry too while I'm at it, okay?" I offered

"It's fine." Luke said not making direct eye contact with me.

"Luke, I'm getting you dry clothes." I said walking out followed by Summer, forgetting for the moment that Marissa was in my bathroom.

**Lukes POV: But who knew **

I've lived in Newport beach seventeen years too long. The truth here is hidden by mansions, white picket fences and plastic surgery. It's hard to know who you are when you live in a world where nothing is as it seems. It's always helped though to have that one person who gets me, Alex. We have been best friends for as almost as long as I can remember. The first time that my dad hit me when I was seven I climbed into her bedroom window and we laid in bed together and she told me that it was okay before I fell asleep.

It feels like things should be different, like I should be the one helping her with something. I am a man, I don't want to look weak, I'm better than that. I am better than weakness.

I heard Alex's bathroom door open and turned to find a tall, extremely thin girl with wet hair and wearing pajama pants and Alex's Harbor hoddie. We stared at each other for a moment before either of us spoke.

"Alex is going to be right back." I said to her. She nodded shyly. "I'm Luke Ward." I introduced myself as an attempt to brake the ice.

"Marissa Cooper." She said almost cracking a smile, … almost.

"Cooper, are you related to Jimmy Coopers or something?" I asked, she seemed to perk a little when I mentioned the name.

"No, I'm not." She said although something that I said seemed to have peeked her curiosity.

"Oh, I guess you just kind of look like him or something." I said.

"Who punched you?" She asked rather bluntly

"Who punched you?" She asked me again.

"Nobody, I got hit in the eye, I was playing baseball." I said looking down.

"It's not baseball season." She said

Damn, I am usually so much better at this lying thing, but then again people don't usually just come out of the blue and ask me either.

"Marissa!" Alex said when she re-entered the room, "I see that you've met Luke." She said

"Yeah, we met." I said

"So there's soda and popcorn downstairs, and there is both hot chocolate and tea because my mother is a freak." Alex said smiling at the two. "So you guys can come on down, Ryan and Seth are choosing a movie."

I smiled back at Alex.

"Come on, there are sleeping bags, pillows everything, we're making a night out of it."

The one thing that I love about Alex is how she makes the best out of every situation. She has a different way of looking at things, a different way of looking at the world.

Marissa and I followed Alex downstairs to find a blonde boy sitting on the floor wrapped in a sleeping bag sipping a mug of hot chocolate, and Summer fighting with a much older version of Alex's cousin Seth over what movie they were going to watch.

"Ew Cohen, I do not want to watch Scream. That was so six years ago! And the blood and the guts and just ew!"

"How come then you want to watch Hannibal?"

"Because I think that you're going to need tips on how to make a woman suit when you admit who you really are!" Summer snapped at him.

"Oh, do you want to know who the first person I'll skin will be!" Seth snapped back.

"Seth, how long have the two of you been dating?" I called to him as a means of hello as well as braking up the argument.

"We're not dating!" The said in unison.

"Why don't we all just compromise?" I asked

"Donnie Darko." Alex suggested luckily she was unopposed.

Seth and Summer sat next to each other on the couch giving each other dirty looks but clinging to her when something scary happened. Marissa sat next to the boy that I learned was Ryan fixated on the screen. Ryan on the other hand was paying more attention to her than the movie as if she was so fragile and could brake at any moment.

Alex and I sat leaning against the back of the couch, her head resting on my shoulder, and her hand intertwined in mine. In that moment something seemed comfortable, familiar. I think that I could get used to this.

**Right then I knew that this all was the start of something. Foreshadowing maybe? I guess only time will tell.**


	12. a little low

**Why is there another chapter? I have no idea? Is it the reviews... maybe? Keep it coming. I love you all!**

**xoxo Jules**

**

* * *

****Chapter 11: "little low"**

**Ryan's POV: This day wasn't like the rest **

I woke up this morning with a funny feeling in my gut. Something was different… I looked around at the unfamiliar surroundings which was nothing new considering our lives lately. Then I realized that I could not feel my arm. I looked down to see Marissa's head resting on it as her eyelids fluttered in her sleep.

"Ummm." She groaned turning over so that I was in an even more impossible position. Seth, Summer, Luke, and Alex were nowhere to be seen. I relaxed with her in my arms for a second. She seemed to be doing well considering that she is most likely out of coke by now.

Carefully I slipped out from under her and made my way outside where I saw Seth, Summer, Alex, and Luke relaxing by the pool.

"Hey, it's almost noon." Seth said checking his imaginary watch to spite me. I rolled my eyes

"Is Marissa still asleep?" Alex asked from where she and Luke were tackling one another in the pool.

"Yeah, I guess so." I said not really quite sure why everyone always came to me with their Marissa questions… their Marissa anything!

"Well go check because we were going to go head down to the pier and I think she'd want to come." Alex pointed out.

I slowly turned and re-entered the house to find Marissa was no longer sleeping where she had been before, but was walking towards me from the bathroom with a hazy look in her eyes… So what I said before about her being out…

"Hey!" I said as I attempted to steady her unstable body.

"Hey!" She responded.

"Are you alright?" I asked tilting her head up so that she was looking me in the eyes

"I'm great!" She told me her lips forming to a drugged smile.

"What'd you take Marissa?" I asked speaking to her as though she was a child the same way that I had done my mother.

"Nothing!" She said her face turning to a frown.

"Do you think that you can make it down to the pier?" I asked her again tilting her chin upwards. She winced as the sun hit her dilated pupils.

"Of course I can!" Marissa said hooking her arm in mine.

Why has it become typical for me to be surrounded by crazy people? Maybe not crazy… just people with problems, struggles and stuff. I guess if you think about it though everyone has their own problems and everything, ours just tend to be more… evident.

Everyone stared at Marissa and I as I led her out of the house and to the pool.

"Is she alright?" Luke asked standing up.

"Yeah she's fine… she's just… Marissa." I said giving him a half smile followed by a long awkward silence. "SO who is ready to go!" I said still supporting Marissa with one of my arms.

"Um yeah, maybe we'd better get out of here before my parents see her." Alex said

A short time later we were all piled into Alex's car and heading towards the beach.

"So have you guys always lived here?" Summer asked from the backseat where she was squished between Ryan and the door.

"I am a Newporter born and raised." Luke said flashing Summer a smile that I am sure made Seth want to strangle him although I am sure that it was just him being kind. Luke seemed like the guy who just subconsciously flirted, well with everyone except Alex. They are in denial.

"I'm from Newport too. My dad grew up in New York though. I guess that's where the tough side of me comes from." Alex said

"There's another side?" Luke joked nudging Alex in the side.

It wasn't long before we pulled up at the beach, which made me wonder why we didn't walk. I guess it worked out for the best with Marissa though, in the state that she is in it might take her awhile. She sat for a majority of the car ride fascinated with the car handle.

We spent that day just hanging out which is cool I guess. I've never really had friends that I could just chill out with before. I don't think that I've really actually ever had friends at all. We ate lunch, went to the arcade where Marissa was overly fascinated with the bright lights.

"Hey, you wanna play me?" Seth asked tossing me a ski ball.

"Nah Man, I'm not sure." I said gesturing towards Marissa who was wandering around like a lost child. She needed supervision.

"Come on man, you need to loosen up! She's going to be alright for one game!" Seth said tossing me a ball. I took one last look at Marissa before I accepted the ball.

I guess that I let the time get away from me because the next thing I realized Summer, Alex, and Luke we all standing around Seth and I looking bored.

"Sorry." I said stuffing my hands in my pockets when I suddenly realized that Marissa was not there. "Hey, have any of you seen Marissa?"

Everyone exchanged glances.

"Shit!" I said as we all started rushing around the arcade. No luck. "Hey have you seen a girl, around my height, blondish hair, blue shirt!" I asked a young boy who was trying to focus on his game

"I think I saw her leave with some guys while I was coming in." The boy said

"When was that?" I asked frantically

"I donno, about five minutes ago maybe?" The boy said rolling his eyes at me and turning back to the game. "Outside!" I called to everyone who followed me out. "Marissa!" I called. "Marissa!" I tried again.

Suddenly out of the corner of my eye I see Luke charging towards an alley. I caught up with him in time to see some guy, about our age forcing a helpless, clueless Marissa up against a wall, her arms were pinned at her sides and her pants unbuttoned. He was raping her neck as tears fell down her cheeks.

"Get the fuck off of her!" I said charging at the boy and slamming him against the wall.

"Fuck! She was like practically all over me calling me Teddy or some shit like that!" The guy said wiping blood from his lip as Marissa flew into Summers arms.

"Get out of here man!" I said pushing him out of the alley. I turned to see the scene behind me.

Alex was standing beside Luke looking over at Marissa, eyes filled with hurt, Seth rubbed Summers back as Marissa cried into her lap. Tears were surprisingly flowing from Summers eyes. And in that moment I believe that something brought us together.

"Let's go home." Alex said helping Marissa to her feet.

**Home?**

* * *

**The next chapter will explain all sorted pasts and such! Any ideas? Hit the purple button!**

**xoxo Jules**


	13. Anyway the wind blows

**Kind of a adult topic in this chapter with dark-ish themes.**

**xoxo Jules**

**Read and Review**

**

* * *

****Chapter 12: "Anyway the wind blows"**

**Summers POV: Instead of taking a test **

When we got back to the Cohen's house it was pretty awkward even for me. I can usually fix something with a dirty joke but that would not be appropriate considering what almost happened tonight.

We all huddled in the living room in what can only be described as an awkward silence. I had a feeling that something was about to change, but I couldn't for the life of me figure what.

I sat on the couch and Marissa sat beside me resting her head in my shoulder, quickly falling asleep. I wasn't sure how long we were there before Luke, who was leaning against the couch with Alex beside him broke the silence.

"So this has been an eventful night." He spoke up.

We all lamely nodded.

"Yeah." Seth said putting his hands on his knees. "I don't know about you guys but sleep sounds pretty good right now." Seth said looking around the clutter of unsure teens.

"I don't know. I think that I just may want to sit for awhile." I said as I stroked Marissa's hair.

"I'll stay up with you." Alex said giving me a sad smile. "Luke you staying here tonight?" She asked her best friend who shrugged in return. "You Seth and Ryan crash in the pool house, you know where the extra blankets and everything are."

"What about you guys?" Ryan asked

"We'll be fine." I said. I noticed how he checked back at Marissa quickly before he followed Seth and Luke to the pool house.

I have no idea how long Alex and I sat in silence. I watched Marissa twitch in her sleep. She did it all of the time, I wonder what she's dreaming about. I doubt by the troubled look that she always has on her face that it is anything good.

"If you're getting tired I can get some blankets or something…" Alex offered me.

"No thanks, I'm fine." I said honestly, but the last thing that I wanted was for Alex to go through anymore trouble for us. She had taken us in, temporarily anyway but still. It was more than any regular person would have done.

"Do you think that Marissa will be okay?" Alex asked, her eyes meeting mine.

I paused for a second before I nodded.

"Yeah, she's going to be alright, well at least as alright as she ever was." I said with an internal sigh.

"So what's the deal with all of you?" Alex asked somewhat catching me off guard.

"What do you mean?" I asked

"Well I mean everybody has a story." Alex questioned. "I mean, if you don't wan-"

"No." I said cutting her off. "It's fine, honestly I swear."

The problem is I don't think that I even know my story. I mean I know the basics, my name is Summer… Summer Roberts.

"My mom had me when she was sixteen. She didn't know who my father was. When she got pregnant with me her parent's kicked her out of the house. She lived on the streets or did whatever she had to go get a room for the night… whatever she had to. She never really wanted me, she used me to soften guys up… to get what she wanted… I spent most of my time at my grandmothers house until she died when I was three. After that I was just left with my mother."

Alex watched me as she listened intently.

"She never really paid any attention to me… the only people who ever did were her boyfriends. I was six, and he was… big… a lot bigger than me, I was sleeping in my room one night, crying after I had been to the store with my mother and there was this stuffed kitten, I begged her for it, she ignored me…"

_June 1993:_

_I can't believe that mommy wouldn't buy me the kitty. She never buys me nothing! It's not fair, all's she ever cares about is Al cause Al gives her things but nobody ever gives me things. Maybe I'll go back and take it and put it in my bag when nobody's looking. Mama does that sometimes._

"_What's your problem girl?" Al said when he stepped into my bedroom which was just a large walk in closet with blankets on the floor. I hadn't even noticed him come in._

_He was big and greasy and smelled of smoke. His finger nails we black with dirty and yellow from smoking. _

"_Whadda ya want?" I said fiercely, still angry about the cat._

"_Nothing." He said crouching next to me… and then he did something that nobody ever did before. He wiped a tear from my eye._

"_Where's mama?" I asked caught off guard by the new situation._

"_She's at the club." Al informed me "Here, give me a hug," He said pulling me onto his lap and holding me close. '"I don't like to see you sad." He said to me shifting me on his lap and pulling a box off of a shelf._

"_KITTY!" I cried grabbing the box from his arms. "Thank you Al!" I said wrapping my arms tightly around his neck._

_I was about to skip off and play with my toy when Al grabbed my wrist._

"_Aren't you gonna thank me?" He asked his eyes turning dark._

"_I DID thank you!" I said with an innocent smile._

"_You know what you saw your mama doing to me last night on the couch? The thing that made me really happy?" Al asked_

"_Yeah, when you was on the couch and mamas head was movin' on you real funny?" I asked_

"_Yeah, that. That's how you're gonna thank your uncle Al." Al said unzipping his jeans, my eyes got big._

_**End of flashback**_

Alex sat in shock, but nodded understanding.

"It is amazing how sick people can be." She commented.

"Yeah." I said honestly. Ever since that night I always related getting what I wanted to sex. There was a point when I was around 10 t just became a means for survival.

_September 1996:_

_I sat at the table doing homework. It always distracted me from what was going on around me. When my moms "friend" walked out of her room naked and headed towards the bathroom he winked at me. I cringed on the inside but gave him the smile that mama had taught me back to him._

_Mama came out of her bedroom and sat next to me at the table. She had a distraught look on her face._

"_What's wrong mom?" I asked looking up from my homework_

"_The rent's do and I ain't got it." She told me _

"_Whadda you gonna do?" I asked childishly_

"_What am I gonna do! I ain't the only one who lives here Summer! I gave you all I could for the past nine years!"_

"_I know mom!" I said expecting her to swing her hand across the table and hit me._

"_The land lords been asking about you." My mother then said_

_I got a lump in my throat._

"_Has he?" I asked dumbly know full well what my mother was asking… rather telling me._

"_He's coming over at six. He wants you ready then, go wash up…"_

_At this point I knew better than to argue._

"_Alright mom." I said putting my homework away, I guess it won't be finished tonight._

"_Oh and Baby, one more thing?" My mom said_

"_Yeah mama?"_

"_Put your hair in pig tails for me will ya baby?"_

"_Alright mother." I said shivering as left the room._

_End of Flashback_

_I stroked my hands in Marissa's hair. I had never talked to anyone about all of that before. I think that it might have been a good thing, and Alex just may have been the best person to tell all of this too._

"I've never talked to anyone about any of this before." I confessed to Alex who was unsure how to respond, and then she spoke.

"I am glad that you trust me." Alex said pulling her knees up to her chest. "I guess we all have our secrets." She finished

"Oh do we?" Summer asked raising an eyebrow.

* * *

**The next chapter will be Alex's POV with what happened to her, most likely then followed by Marissa's.**

**xoxo Jules**

**Lemme know what you think!**


	14. Doesn't really matter to me

**So I am so sorry for the delay but life is crazy as usual, including a new baby (haha not mine!), college, SAT's, work, and two friends moving into my bedroom. Haha, my friends and family (who have all decided to go crazy at the same time), are my biggest priority and they need some damage control right now so I am all over that. I recently taught myself to drive stick though which is amazing so YAY! Converses? Where are you in my life! Anyhow this is a decent length chapter and I am sitting here at 1:43 AM to get it to you guys because contrary to how is appears as of the late my artistic side is a priority as well. Anyhow...**

xoxo Jules

**HAHA, I got an "E" in English this quarter, can you believe that? I found it pretty humorous (although that ought to change when my parents see). Good times, that is why it sucks to switch schools 4th quarter Junior year. Oh for and the love of god never put your children in Maryland public schools. Although, Howard County public school system is rather decent.**

**

* * *

Chapter 13: "doesn't really matter to me" **

**Alex's POV: "I took two to the chest"**

**Summer glanced over at me.**

"What do you mean we all have our secrets?" She asked me quizzically

"I don't know. I don't have anything really interesting, especially compared to you." I said trying to see if I could somehow weasel my way out of the situation.

"Try me." Summer said

I hesitated for a second. Marissa began to stir again, but she didn't wake. Summer was stroking her hair. I had never been close to any girls, it was just always Luke and I against the world. Maybe I just have to get used to the atmosphere change…

I sighed as I began to remember this time about two years ago… I was fifteen years old and a very different person.

"Towards the end of my sophomore year in high school I started dating this guy named Gabe who was… well he was perfect."

Sometimes I still smile remember the way that he used to be although that person is long gone… if he ever really existed…

"He was blonde haired, blue eyed, and the start of the JV water polo team. Every girl in school wanted to date him, but he chose me. It was all good at first. He seemed to really care about me yanno? He was the jock and I was the girl madly in love with him, with the high ponytail and the ribbon in her hair." I said to Summer not really expecting a response. "Then overnight he like changed, he didn't like my friends, I wasn't allowed to do anything with anyone other than him, especially Luke."

I remember that Gabe had been so jealous of Luke that he spread a rumor around school that he was gay…

_May 2002: _

"_What the hell Gabe? I know that it was you who was spreading all of these rumors around school about Luke, and you KNOW that they are not true."_

_I had grabbed him from the hallway and pushed him into the Water Polo locker room. It was just after school had gotten out and the entire place was deserted._

"_I don't want it looking like I can't keep a girl and she'd rather spend more time with some fag than me! There is no way I am going to let Luke Ward show me up, no way."_

_I sighed, I could explain this over and over to him but he would still never get it. Luke and I were not like that._

"_Everyone knows that Luke and I have been best friends with each other since like ever! I really don't get what the issue is! I am with you, not Luke!"_

"_Look babe." He said gently grabbing my waist and pulling me towards him. "I am your boyfriend, not Luke. You chose me, so act like it, I deserve to be treated better than this." His expression was soft but his voice firm. He stared at me with cold empty eyes._

"_I don't want to treat you bad Gabe." I said, my voice only a squeak_

"_Well what the hell am I supposed to think!" He yelled pushing me back into a locker before pacing around. "You won't even put out!" Now he was so close to me that I could feel his breath against my cheek. "What, have you been fucking around with other guys!"_

"_No, I swear I haven't! There's nobody I want but you. I swear Gabe, I swear…" And then I leaned in and kissed him. I guess that was his go ahead._

_And right there, in the locker room it happened._

_The end of Flashback_

Summer looked at me in surprise.

"How long did you guys date?" She asked glancing down at Marissa for a second and then back up at me.

"Too long." Was all that I could say. Honestly most of the time that I spent with Gabe was a blur. His parents had up and moved to Washington sometime during Junior year and that was the last that I heard of him. But not before it happened…

_January 2003:_

_I sat alone on the beach, the worry of time nowhere in my mind. It is funny the times when reality becomes so clear. A stark painful contrast to the conscience that we have created for ourselves. At our lowest point everything becomes clear, so exact. Everything hit me like a ton of bricks, the realization that the entire world is going to change and you are helpless to stop it because of one stupid mistake… because you couldn't say no…_

_I jumped as I felt a hand touch my shoulder. For a moment my thoughts raced to Gabe, but he never touched me the way that this hand was touching me. This hand was soft and gentle._

"_Hey squirt." Luke said sitting beside me using my childhood nickname. Although we were the same age he would always call me that, something about superiority I would imagine in retrospect._

"_Hey." I said wiping an almost dry tear from my eye. At this point I have no more tears left to cry. I was surprised by how my voice came out, cracked, broken and weak. It had been awhile since I talked to anyone._

"_Did you talk to him?" Luke asked. He never addressed Gabe by name. He said something as low as him didn't deserve to even be called an "it.". I always acted offended but inside I chuckled. It was nice to hear from someone that I wasn't dating a god._

"_Yeah." I said my voice hushed. _

_It was an abnormally cold winter day. We had actually gotten a bit of snow. The sky was gray with masses of dark clouds hanging just over the foggy water, threatening a storm. I just braced myself. _

_Iwrapped my maroon Harbor hoodie around me so tightly that my knuckles turned white._

"_Hey." Luke said moving a strand of hair from in front of my eyes. "What happened Alex?"_

"_He told me," I paused to wipe my nose on the sleeve of my jacket. Uber lady-like right? "he told me to get rid of it." I said my eyes drifting seaward. All that I wanted to do right then was be one of the birds heading south, far from Newport, far from Gabe, and far from this problem._

"_You're not going to do that though are you?" Luke asked_

_I could feel him staring intently at me. _

"_You would never would you squirt?" Luke asked turning my chin gently to look at him "You wouldn't…"_

_I wiped tears from my eyes that had begun to pour, I could feel him intently staring at him waiting for me to say what he wanted to hear._

"_I don't have a choice Luke…" I said refusing to meet his gaze_

"_What do you mean you don't have a choice! Your family would help you, I would help you!" Lukes voice raged._

"_WHAT THE HELL LUKE? You are always trying to tell me what to do with my life, you have NO idea what it is like to be me alright? I am SIXTEEN years old alright? What the hell are my options?" I yelled as sprang to my feet stumbling backwards a little bit._

"_What about the child!" Luke challenged me standing to his feet as well. "It shouldn't have to pay for YOUR mistakes Alex!"_

"_My mistakes? Luke you don't even know! I never wanted to sleep with Gabe alright? He forced me, practically raped me Luke! Why should I have to pay for HIS mistakes!" I screamed_

_And then Luke said something to me that will always ring clearer than anything else that anyone has ever said to me._

"_You've got to grow up squirt. It wasn't just his mistake. You were there too, you knew how he was, and you were with him, physically, time and time again. You've got to take responsibility." Luke said shoving his hands in his pockets._

_To that day I had always gotten what I wanted. All that I had to do was bat my pretty blue eyes and everything was given to me. I never tasted the real world, not like Luke had. I had two parents that would give their lives for me. I was spoiled. I was always right, and I wanted to be right this time too._

_I looked at Luke with hatred as I gritted my teeth._

"_I hate you Luke." The words seeped out of my like venom_

_And so what did I do? I made an appointment for the next week. I told myself in my head over and over again that it was right, and Gabe was right there to confirm my thoughts. I wanted my life back, and I wanted to prove to Luke that he was wrong. All that I proved in the end that I was a selfish hard headed teenager._

_With that being said… After the abortion I didn't want to see anyone, I didn't want to talk to anyone, and I didn't want Gabe to touch me… I seemed to be successful with all save the latter. _

_I never felt so guilty. I would get this unbearable pain when I saw babies on TV commercials or at the beach with their parents._

_I was never able to bring myself to break up with Gabe which I regret, but luckily for me he moved with his family. In my mind I know without a doubt that if he had stayed the same thing would have happened all over again. _

_People say that the past is the greatest indicator of future behavior, especially when the person doesn't learn their lesson. I let Gabe get what he wanted up to the farewell fuck and a couple on visits after that. And then as quick as night turns to day he was gone for good and I was left to pick up the pieces alone…well there was Luke._

_I have no idea how he forgave me for what I said… I guess that he knew it wasn't true. He has been my constant my entire life… my rock_

_End of flashback_

Summer stared intently at me as I finished.

"I would never have guessed." She said as Marissa once again began to stir.

Like I said shrugging.

"Like I said we all have our secrets." I said biting my lower lip.

"Do you think about it a lot?" Summer asked me out of the blue.

"What do you mean?" I asked her

"I donno." She said still waiting for an answer.

"Well sure I guess… I think about whether it was a boy or a girl, would it have played sports or been an artist, what it's favorite food would have been…"

And with that Marissa's eyes fluttered open.

"What's going on?" She asked

Summer and I just chuckled.

* * *

**Review, humor me. I really need it right now! I decided that I want to go to college at Emerson or Temple... hum... I really don't know what is with the random comments, it is just really late...**

**This chapter random right? I know. heh... Whatever dude.**

the little purple button is your friend.

**xoxo Jules**


	15. Mama, just killed a man

**Hey, I updated, YAY I was on vacation and working for like my life but it is all good now and I have brought you a new, very odd in my opinion, chapter. I didn't intend for it to turn out the way it did but yanno. Just letting you know that my pen name changed to Jules456 as opposed to lala456, so yeah... Anyway please read and review!**

**xoxo Jules**

**

* * *

Chapter 14: "Mama, just killed a man,"**

**Marissas POV: Call me blind **

Last night was a blur, actually everyday for the past couple of years has been on big blur, faces, drugs, they all mesh together in my head forming one big blob of confusion. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be someone else. Someone who doesn't have all of these problems. Someone who can go two days not having to do a line. Someone normal. I don't know, I guess that it is stupid really, dreaming, fanaticizing because every time that I think that it is possible for me to change… step back I get pulled into it all again.

I leaned back against the side of the pool house taking a long drag of my cigarette.. I needed a hit, but I want to see how long I can hold off, but I can feel my veins pulsating…

My hands shake as I raise the cigarette to my lips once again. My lips trembled as I wrapped my lips around the death stick.

I didn't move as I noticed Ryan approach me.

"How goes?" He asked not looking me in the eye.

It has been kinda weird with everyone after last night and everything that happened at the arcade and all. Nobody really talked about it, which I am more that grateful for.

"Yanno." I said shrugging

"What do you think about this place?" Ryan asked as he sat beside me and leaned back against the pool house. When he took the cig from my hand I expected him to stomp it out, but instead he took a drag himself and then handed it back to me.

I looked at him and held in a grin. There was something different about that kid. It was weird, something that I couldn't exactly read, it was just… I don't know really.

"What?" He said when I didn't respond to his question.

"Nothing. I don't know. It's weird here, different." I tossed the cigarette butt in a bush, not the safest move but…

"Well Kirsten has herded all of us into the kitchen to eat breakfast and she sent me to find you." Ryan said as he stood up and offered me a hand.

"Alright." I said accepting Ryans hand for some odd reason. I brushed off my pants as I stood.

When we entered the kitchen Summer, Seth, Alex, and Luke were already sitting around the table eating bagels. There was a man there though that I didn't recognize.

"Glad to see that you have decided to grace us with your presence." Alex's mother said. As she tossed us bagels from the table.

"Thanks" Ryan and I said in unison.

My eyes subconsciously rested on the man sitting at the counter talking to Sandy.

"Oh I am sorry." Kirsten apologized. "Jimmy, this is Marissa Cooper and Ryan Atwood. Ryan, Marissa, this is Jimmy Cooper."

Jimmy and I's eyes met. A weird feeling passed through my body, something that I had never felt before. I wasn't sure how to feel about it, I actually wasn't quite sure what it was. Jimmy's eyes, they looked like mine, well not after the night that I had last night but I saw it. Maybe I am just making too much of the situation.

"So where are you guys from?" He asked both Ryan and I although his eyes were still fixated on me.

"I'm actually from Chino," Ryan told him, "and Marissa is from Chicago."

"Chicago?" Jimmy said nodding.

"Yup." I said with my lips pursed together.

Everyone noticed the odd exchange between us, but nobody really understood…

**Jimmys POV: But I didn't see it coming…**

This girl… there was something about her. And I by no means meant for that to come out as pervish as that sounded. Something was familiar, and her last name…

Not too many people know about my darker days, the days after Kirsten. I reached a point in life where I didn't care about anything anymore. I was doing an internship in Illinois, Chicago to be exact. My days consisted of long unpaid work and the nights meaningless one night stands.

There was one woman though that things progressed with, more than one night at least. She had been a "working girl", but I was never a client. She lived in a small trailer in a bad part of the city and had around eight children, three lived with her at the time. I would come over occasionally, we would each get what we wanted and then go our separate ways.

With Julie I wasn't the only one, I know that I couldn't have been. No girl like her could stick to one man. I knew that she was with other people … that's why when she told me that she was pregnant… well I didn't exactly run, but my internship was over and I just kind of left.

I have wondered ever since I left what happened to Julie and that baby. There was only a slim chance that it could have been mine, but the thought that I could have a son or daughter out there has torn me up inside. I actually went back to Chicago it was about four years later. I know, four years later, but I figure better late than never right?

_I remember walking up to the door I took a deep breath, I could see a bong sitting on the table and a very pregnant Julie against the wall with some guy. I heard footsteps coming from the side of the trailer. I recognized Julies eldest son Jeremy, and then the girl Dakota, and then there were two more. One was an toddler that Jeremy carried in his arms, and then there was a little girl with long honey blonde hair and blue green eyes. She was only wearing a pair of shorts and she had mud streaked all over her body that was covered with scratches. And yet she was a beautiful little girl._

"_Jimmy." Jeremy said, I was surprised that he remembered me_

"_Hey Jer."_

"_If ya came to see mom she's busy." He said glancing quickly through the window and then back at me._

_The mud from the front of the trailer caked the wheels of my new BMW. _

"_Oh." I said looking at me feet…_

_Jeremy stared at me for a moment._

"_So you have two new siblings now huh?" I asked awkwardly._

"_Yeah." Dakota responded none too happy._

"_This is Haley," Jeremy said gesturing to the squabbling toddler in his arms. "And that's 'Rissa."_

Suddenly my head began to spin. That little girl 'Rissa, she was three or four at the time.

"Oh my god." I thought as I grabbed Kirsten and pulled her outside.

"WHAT?" Kirsten said taking hold of my arm.

"Marissa, I think, well you I know this sounds crazy, but there is a chance that she may be mine…"

**Could fate be real? Or divine intervention? Was this all just a coincidence? Life is full of questions…**

* * *

**r&r**

**I have had this chap written for awhile but my comp is being completely crazy. sighs**


	16. Put a gun against his head

**I did not have the internet for three months and when igot it fixed my entire c drive got erased, including this story which I had through chapter twenty written to. After the finale I felt the need to get this story together to do justice my OC way. I respect the finale for what its worth. Death just seems so final though is all. But whatever, thats why we write our own stories huh?**

**Keep reading.**

**xoxo Jules**

**

* * *

****Chapter 16: Put a gun against his head**

**Marissas POV: "Everbody was running"**

I never missed having a dad because I never knew what it was like to have one. I think that the whole idea of parenthood is overrated, … or I did until I saw the way that Sandy is with Alex. He cares about her and protects her. Sometimes I wonder if my dad could have protected me from my mom; the way that she used to close my nose and blow smoke into my mouth until I was high. She thought it was funny. I think that it made me an addict.

I have always felt crowded. Crowded by conflict, crowded by confusion. Here in Newport though it's been different. I just feel like everything goes on forever. I can stare out freely onto the ocean and see no end. In a weird juvenile way it kind of makes me feel like there are so many possibilities. Realistically tough I know that I have an education that's worth shit, and the memory of a 60 year old woman, and the hope of a person on their death bed.

Alex is a pretty cool person. I don't think that I have ever met someone who is just so chill. I cant help but to wait for everything to hit the fan as it tends to when things are going so well. We have clean clothes, beds to sleep in, food to eat. But all of this is not our life, well for me Summer and Ryan anyway.

Breakfast was interesting. My hand was trembling too much to use my fork. Withdrawal's a bitch. I leaned back against the warm wall of the pool house where I was crouched as I moved my unstable hand back and forth from my mouth as I smoked a joint that I had found in the bottom of my bag.

"Hey," a voice said from above me

As I looked up I saw Jimmy towering over me. I shielded my eyes from the sun as sudden panic rushed over my body. Noticing my nervousness he assured me that it was okay.

"I did that a bit when I was your age." He confessed to me. "So Chicago eh?" He asked me

"Yeah." I said pulling my knees in closer to my body.

"How'd you like it there?" He asked lamely

"I hated it."

"I lived there for awhile doing business, but it was almost seventeen years ago, I'm sure a lot has changed."

I shrugged.

"So you're a Cooper eh?" He asked me.

I nodded in response as a peculiar feeling came over my body.

"So is your mom's name Cooper, or your dad?" Jimmy said stuttering and tripping over his words.

"Nah, my moms not a Cooper so I'm assuming it came from somewhere else." I said cutting him a sideways glance.

**Jimmys POV: "Everybody was running"**

I looked at the girl in front of my obviously haunted by her past and living her parents mistakes. Right in that moment I knew it. I saw past the baggy, watery, glossed over blue green eyes and through the transparent blue tinted skin, and through the protruding bones and who I saw was my daughter.

"And your dad?" I then asked

"I don't know him."

Right now, in this moment I wish more than anything that I had taken her four years before when I saw her barefoot and caked with mud. I knew looking at her even then that she was mine. I was young and scared. Twenty three on the brink of something great, something that at the time I was naïve enough to think would fulfill me.

"Your mom's name, wh- what was it?" It took me forever to get up the courage to say those words.

"Julie."

That was all that it took for my heart to sink to my feet and my stomach to rise into my throat.

**Marissas POV: "But I couldn't hear nothing"**

I swallowed a lump in my throat as I look at the man in front of me. A man who was so transparent that there were no words necessary. I could read him, see into him like no one before.

I don't know what possessed me to speak then at that moment, to say what I'd been holding in since I crossed paths with Jimmy Cooper in the Kitchen.

"I remember."

**The only things worth living for are innocence and madness**

* * *

**Let me know if anyone is still reading this. I know that I kept everyone waiting so long but i have been really motivated to finish this story in particular. Anyhow please review and i am still open to requests. Thanks for sticking with me.**

**xoxo Jules**


	17. Pulled my Trigger

**I dont know what is going on with me. I think that the recent goings on of the OC has compelled me to finish this story. Please review, that compells me too. lol**

**xoxo Jules**

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 17 : "Pulled my Trigger"**

**Marissas POV: "Except gun blasts"**

His eyes stared deep into mine, … too deep.

"What do you remember?" He asked as his jaw stiffened although he kept his eyes fixated on my own.

"I was three when you came up. I had never seen a car like that, so shiny and new. Mom never had a car so we took the bus. I remember the smell of it, the bus, stale and old. You looked like the men from the front of the magazines that we would see in the doctors office."

I vividly remembered that day as the events began to replay in my mind.

_I awoke that morning on the floor. I had a blanket draped across me. I could already smell smoke as mommy lit her bong. Dakota was sitting in the light by the window trying to do what was left of her homework. Terry, moms most recent boyfriend had rolled Jeremy's for blunt paper. Haley, my littlest sister sat on the floor playing with a pipe. _

_I stood straightening out my wrinkled knight gown. I yawned and stretched my arms in a childish fashion. _

"_Com'er sweetie." Terry said from where he sat on the couch_

_I hesitated for a moment before I approached him. I knew what he was going to do as he took a big hit from the bong that sat on the coffee table and then held my head to his as he blew the smoke in my mouth._

"_Wake and bake sweetie pie."_

_Wake and bake was a term that I was to hear many more times over the course of my life. _

_I coughed for a second as I let the smoke settle in my head. Mom laughed from where she sat at the coffee table. I spent the rest of the day wandering around. Terry and mom were kissing and touching each other on the couch when Terry told us to leave. I was relieved when he gave us permission to go, sometimes we just sat there as it happened. I am almost positive that I was present there in the same room the afternoon when Haley was conceived. Jeremy, my older brother said the same thing about me. _

_I wandered into the back wearing only a pair of old shorts belonging to my older sister Dakota. It had rained the night before so I stepped barefoot into the mud. I slipped off of the steps and caught myself with my hands. Wiping the mud from my hands onto my bare chest I stared through the window to where Teddy had mom pinned against the wall. As he pounded into her over and over again I wondered if it was hurting the baby. I ask mom that once. She told me that nothing would happen to the baby and the proceeded to explain how nothing had happened to me and then she had been with men twice as "big" and twice as rough with Terry when she was pregnant with me. At the time I didn't understand._

_I walked around to the front of the trailer when I heard a car pull up. Jeremy who was holding Haley, and Dakota went to see who the visitor was. _

"Then you stepped out of the car." I said taking my eyes away from Jimmy's as I was broken from my memory. "You were clean, you were wearing an blue and white stripped shirt. You had a nervous expression on your face and your eyes darted around until they settled on me. You said something to Jeremy and then left. That was it."

Jimmy's lip began to quiver.

"I am so sorry Marissa, I am so sorry. I never wanted to leave you but I was young and I was stupid." He placed his head in his hands. "I am so sorry." He repeated.

I shrugged hoping to feel some kind of emotion at all. But there was nothing, I was blank, empty. I always thought the day that I found my father would be different. I thought that I would react, I don't know how but somehow! I thought that I would give him a big hug and tell him that I missed him, or smack him across the face and tell him he's a rotten bastard that made my life a living hell. But I never expected this nothingness, this emptiness, … this indifference.

"Wh- where's your mother?" Jimmy asked me as he rubbed the stubble that was beginning to form under his chin.

"I don't know. I haven't seen her in about five years after they took me away." I said blankly.

"Who took you away?" Jimmy asked me dumbly.

I chuckled for a second before I responded though I don't know why.

"The state of Illinois." I could feel a small grin play in the creases of my mouth. As easily as it came I pushed it away.

"Oh…" Jimmy said pulling his knees up to his chest as he rested against the pool house beside me.

"Yeah, oh."

**There are moments that people wait for all of their lives, moments that are supposed to define you and the direction that your life is heading in. I thought that finding my dad would be that moment for me, but as usual it, like the rest of my life didn't fail to disappoint. Maybe I should open up and give him a chance,problem isI have this debilitating fear that I will just end up getting hurt again.**

* * *

**I though that that reflection was a good way to end that chapter because it left the Marissa Jimmy relationship very open for whichever direction I decide to take it. Next chapter will be something Summer and or Seth related, followed by Alex and Luke. If anybody has ANY ideas or requests i am really open to your opinions. I mean, i know what i want to do but feedback could give me an idea that i may have missed. Longer chapters ahead.**

**xoxo Jules**

**review and let me know what up**


	18. Now he's dead

**I dont know what is going on here. I have so many chapters of this story written that i am anxious to post. This chapter is pretty fluffy, for me at least. Anyhow I sometimes use songs when I feel like its appropriate so this chapter and the next have them. If you read the lyrics as you read it really helps draw out the emotion. Haha, here i am being all analytical and stuff. Anyhow i'll just let you get to reading and then post more at theend. **

**xoxo Jules**

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 18: "Now he's dead"**

**Summers POV: "It happened so fast"**

_**She's a girl in a world, she's moving as fast as she goes  
Loves her mum and her dad, the only secure that she knows**_

There was something about California. Something that gave me a renewed feeling of hope. Nobody here looks at me and sees the daughter of a stripper or feels the need to call the center of disease control when I get too close.

People my entire life have looked at me like I am a worthless piece of trash. I didn't realize until recently that I had begun to look at myself that way as well. I thrive on the attention of others, the attention of men. I needed-… well need them rather, to verify my worth. Sure it sounds cliché but its cliché for a reason, because it's true, …it happens.

_**But at night, she's alone, she's dreaming of somebody new  
Her someone for to hold, she's praying the dream will come true**_

I sat on Alex's bed in her room flipping through a magazine. She had run out to the store with Luke and Ryan and Seth was helping Sandy get the grill started for dinner. I arose from the bed when I heard a soft knock at the door.

"Come in." I said silently

A curly head peered into the room

_**Show me the way - show me, show me how  
Help me be brave - for love**_

"Aren't you supposed to be grilling?" I asked as I sat up and crossed my legs Indian style. My voice had come out surprisingly unthreatening, especially for me.

"Well." Seth said as he stretched out on the bed beside me, "meat is definitely not my forte." He grinned at me.

_**Show me the way - show me, tell me how  
What do you say**_

"Surprise surprise." I said sarcastically cracking a small smile.

"So what were you doing up here alone for all of these long, long hours?" Seth asked suggestively. The thought of what he was implying made me sick to my stomach. As my face turned he moved to touch my leg. I backed away.

"Woah, are you okay?" Seth asked with genuine concern

_**There's a pain in her heart, she's trying so hard to unwind  
Makes her cry in the night, when visions so real make her blind**_

"I'm fine." I said. Seth stared intently at me, my quivering voice had betrayed the words that I spoke.

"I was just kidding you kno-"

"I said I was fine okay!" I snapped back, a pang of hurt flashed in his face. "Sorry," I apologized, "rage blackouts."

_**Wants to break through the the fear  
Erasing the scars from within**_

Most people would give up on me if I treated them the way that I treat Seth. It never made any sense to me. I could set him on fire and threaten him with an army full of Samurai Warriors carrying sharp bladed machetes and he would make some odd joke about it. I can do whatever I want, … say whatever I want, … and he never gives up.

"Really though I didn't mean to snap at you." I fingered the hair of the small plastic pony that I held in my hand.

"Who is this?" Seth asked taking the small toy out of my hands.

_**Start a new kind of being - she's down and she's praying again**_

"It's nothing." I said. I could feel my face begin to blush. Every child had a comfort toy, I had just never grown out of mine.

"Come on." Seth urged me giving me a small smile. Reluctantly I gave in.

_**Show me the way - show me, show me how  
Help me be brave - for love  
Show me the way - show me, tell me how  
What do you say**_

I stared out at the ocean for a moment before I spoke. It was dusk, my favorite time of day. The sky was turning a mesh of oranges and reds as the sun began to set against the ocean. The last of the sailboats were heading toward the shore creating the illusion that the clouds were coming to the land to swallow it whole. But it wouldn't be a violent or foul intended invasion, it would be soft, peaceful, … comforting, like a small child being covered with a soft cotton blanket at night.

_**You see she's -  
Turning the key, unlocking the door  
Embracing the roller coaster world**_

"Her name is Princess Sparkles." I said carefully taking her back from Seth and toying her in my fingers. "My grandmother gave her to me when I was little. It was all I had after-"

I didn't like talking about my grandmother dying and having to move in with my mother. All that talking about it did was bring up unnecessary pain and memories that I would rather forget. I always hated sentiment.

"It's dumb anyway." I said placing Princess Sparkle on the bedside table. "It's just plastic lump and synthetic hair molded into a childs toy." My voice quivered as I spoke.

_**Stepping outside, with body and soul  
Taking whatever future holds**_

I never experienced childhood. The entire idea to me was scary. Never once did I have the chance to be innocent or forget my inhibitions. Children don't have walls. If I had been open, honest, vulnerable, I would have crumbled a long time ago. I'm still here.

"Oh contraire Summer. You see it is much more than that." Seth pointed out

"Oh is it?" I asked raising my eyebrows as if to challenge him

_**Turning the key, unlocking the door  
Embracing the rollercoaster world**_

"Jewels." He declared.

"Jewels?" I raised my eyebrows missing his point.

"There!" He said pointing to her jewel studded collar. "You forgot to mention the jewel, everyone always misses the jewels. They are there right in your face plain as day but people choose to look through them. They are so shiny that when the light reflects off of them it blinds you. It's like everyone is intent on pointing out the negative they miss the beauty of it all. It's like life." I had never seen Seth so serious before and yet I had never felt as I did in that moment.

_**Take it in stride, you're just twenty-five  
And you know we've all been hurt before**_

Seth then suddenly, without warning flew to his feet. He had a crazy look in his eyes like a mad man and if the phone had been closer I would not for a moment have hesitated to dial 911. He smiled like a anxious child as he reached for my hand.

"Let's go!" He said

_**You see she's -  
Turning the key, unlocking the door  
Embracing the rollercoaster world**_

"No way am I going ANYWHERE with you!" I yelled backing up against the headboard of the bed.

"For the love of God, calm down woman and just come with me."

_**Stepping outside, with body and soul  
Taking whatever future holds**_

As I bit my lip nervously Seth chuckled and pulled me from the bed. Nearly a half an hour later I found myself on the dock with my feetdangling over the edge eating cotton candy, my toes danced against the black waters. Seth and I had searched the streets for loose change until we found enough change to afford the candy. Well, one old woman did donate a dollar, … and a condom which I thought was really random. As she walked away she muttered something about children having children and then the government and welfare. I shrugged off whatever she said just thankful that I was one dollar closer to the cotton candy.

_**Turning the key, unlocking the door  
Embracing the roller coaster world**_

"So why here?" I asked Seth as I watched him look out across the ocean in fascination.

"I used to sail here with my father when I was a kid." He confessed to me

"You should do it again." I said out of nowhere

"What, sail?" He asked turning now to meet my eyes.

"Yeah." I said nodding with certainty.

"Maybe I will." He said lying back on the dock. "One day I will make it to Tahiti and you will be my first mate.

I didn't know what a first mate was but it sounded pervish. I kept my mouth shut though, not wanting to ruin the moment.

_**Take it in stride, you're just twenty-five  
And you know we've all been hurt before**_

"We don't even have a boat." I pointed out.

"We don't need to have a boat to dream Summer. There is nothing wrong with living in a world where you can hope. If you surround yourself with disappointment you will have nothing to look forward to."

I let my toes slide against the current as I let the smell of salt water invade my senses. Tilting my head back to get a view of the full moon I sighed.

_**Yeah we've all been hurt before  
So you're not alone..., no...  
You're not alone...**_

"Maybe you're right." The corners of my mouth turned up into a small smile, but Seth did not see as we were swallowed by the darkness of night.

** Seth didn't know it, but that night he gave me my childhood. He gave me hope, and he gave me a dream, … well he shared his own dream with me, and more importantly made me a part of it. I have spent so many days running from my life that I have been forgetting to live it. In that moment I realized that it was time to slow down, … and maybe for the first time I could be happy, but I knew I couldn't do it alone. As I glanced over at Seth I then realized that I wouldn't have to. Ever. **

* * *

**Something about the way that turned out made me happy. Its kind of coming together for everyone. Next chapter there will be some requested Ryan and Marissa interaction, probably will not be what you expect but their relationship is moving along. I ended up surprised by the way it turned out myself. See i never plan chapters, whatever comes out comes out and that to me is what makes writing fun.**

**I am supposed to major is physcology in college and i think that i will. My dream one day ideally would be to write scripts or produce movies or something but its not quite realistic. BUT the way that i figure is that if i major in physcology if i ever do get the event to do things like that the characters will be realistic and not like these ridiculous inconsistent characters that you see on TV today that have like 6 different personalities. They kind of did that with Luke.**

**Anyway let me know what you think. I hope to have the next chapter written up soon. **

**Please review!**

**Converses, it's nice to ... hear from you again. Haha, is hear the right word for it? ConversesRolledDown is a pretty talented writer so you should check out her stuff. **

**After the events of the finale you should check out an old thing i wrote, Mad World. I feel like it kind of applies...**

**Im done now... sorry its like 2 am and i'm dreading graduation rehersal tomorrow. **

**REVIEW!**


	19. Mama, life had just begun

**Yo kids. I have really appreciated your reviews and continued support of this story, reallythough it means a lot.**

**thanks,**

**Jules**

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 19: "Mama, life had just begun,"**

**Alex's POV: "I don't really know this kid"**

_**Meet me on the other side, meet me on the other side  
I'll see you on the other side, see you on the other side**_

It's been so long since I've looked in the mirror, like really looked. After awhile I stopped seeing myself, after that I stopped looking altogether. I never felt worthy or comfortable in my own shoes. Sure I can wear the façade like the rest of them of the spoiled Newport rich kid that had everything handed to them on a silver platter, or the broody rocker that claims nobody will ever understand them. I could be anyone or play any character except for myself.

"Hamburger meat!" I said stopping Luke from where I sat in the back of the cart like a small child shopping with their mother.

It was getting cold in the frozen food section, I pulled my red knit cap over my ears.

"Hamburger meat it is!" Luke said purposefully dropping the slab of meat onto my exposed knee.

"Gross!" I exclaimed as I jumped out of the cart with Ryan's assistance. I wiped my hands off onto my shorts. "Anything that you want Ry, food or anything?" I asked him

"No, I'm fine. I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to stick around." He confessed

"But thanks." He added casually

"Why not?" I asked in surprise

"Well there's only so long that I can intrude." Ryan said tossing dinner rolls into the cart as he headed to the next isle. Luke and I exchanged glances.

Over the past four days or so I got kind of used to having everyone around. It was more than welcome after being an only child for my entire life and only having my parents at home for company.

**Ryans POV: "Even though I sit by him in class"**

_**Honey now if I'm honest, I still don't know what love is  
Another mirage folds into the haze of time recalled **_

My entire life I thought places like Newport beach didn't exist. It never made any sense to me how people could have these huge houses and others lived on the streets. My childhood rationale couldn't understand why the people with money didn't get slightly smaller houses and give some money to the poor people so everyone had somewhere to live. It is amazing how there was a time in my life where I could ever think that simply.

_**And now the floodgates cannot hold  
All my sorrow all my rage  
A tear that falls on every page **_

Seth, Marissa and I all sat in the pool house that night sprawled across the bed. I was on the far end and Summer and Marissa were in the middle, Seth was practically clinging to the edge of the bed. Marissa's long hair tickled my forearm causing an electric feeling to race through my body. When the feeling began to subside into comfort my worries took over.

"We've got to decide what to do." I said breaking the long silence.

The situation had gone unspoken, unresolved too long. It was like this little black cloud that was floating over our heads threatening rain at every turn. Now it was either about to pour, or the sun would come out. I much would prefer the latter but I would not be surprised one way or another. Marissa shivered next to me, she had gone a day and a half without a fix.

_**Meet me on the other side, meet me on the other side  
Maybe I oughta mention, was never my intention  
To harm you or your kin, are you so scared to look within **_

"I have no idea what to even think at this point." Seth admitted shifting himself on the bed. He finally gave up and let one foot hit the floor. "My aunt and Uncle said that we are all welcome to stay in the pool house for as long as we need. I mean, we'd need jobs and to pay our own way but at least we wouldn't be on the streets."

"I don't know if I can do that." I said sighing "They've already been to nice to me."

I always had the tendency to fuck things up, or so my mother said. The Cohens were nice enough to let us stay at their house as long as they did. Sure they had some obligation to Seth but to the rest of us…

_**The ghosts are crawling on our skin  
We may race and we may run **_

We sat there in silence for quite awhile, so long in fact that the next noise I heard was Seth snoring in the bed which he must have climbed back onto. Summer was facing him, pressed against his chest with her arms curled against herself like a baby. Seth had a protective arm over her as her head rested in the crook of his neck. I smirked, that was something that I thought that I would never see. The resident slut shacking up with the dorky, emo kid.

It was then that I realized that there was something missing. Marissa. I crept out of the bed slowly so not to wake Summer and Seth. The light of the moon lit the pool house and cast its glow upon the pool. In the reflection of the water I saw her, Marissa, hunched over by the bushes. I watched for a moment before I approached her.

_**We'll not undo what has been done  
Or change the moment when it's gone **_

Marissa's body heaved again and again as if she were still struggling to breathe as she emptied the contents of her stomach into the bush.

She jumped, startled, as she felt my hand wipe the hair from around her face and gently I held it above her head. I rubbed small circles on her back which seemed to comfort her a bit but it was a long time before the heaving ceased.

_**Meet me on the other side, meet me on the other side **_

"Just breathe." I whispered into her ear using the voice that I used when my mother was in a similar position. "It's alright." I assured her as her body crumbled against mine. I let her weight, what little there was of it, lead me to the ground as I held her in my arms.

She wasn't crying at this point, just shaking. Her body wracked in a cold sweat. Her navy blue tank top faded into the backdrop of night and clung to her rail-like body. I don't know what happened to her pants between the time that she left the pool house and now but her legs stuck out of her underwear like twigs. Her tiny fists grabbed a hold of my pant leg so tight that her knuckles turned white.

_**I'll see you on the other side, see you on the other side **_

At this point I wasn't sure what to do.

"Please." Her voice begged me silently as a heavy wavy of tremors overtook her body. She looked into my eyes then. Seeing the look on her face made my heart ache. Her big watery blue green eyes stared back at me, pleading with me. Her lips quivered as she subconsciously gnawed one until a single droplet of blood appeared. It glistened in the moonlight. "Just one hit." Her head sunk into my chest.

Conflict, conflict, always a fucking conflict. But looking down at her I couldn't imagine that she would make it to the morning if she weren't … relieved so to speak of this… this, … I don't even know what to call it. This was the last time though, this was the last thing that I could do for Marissa Cooper.

I have decided that I, Ryan Atwood am addicted to tragedy. I am addicted to Marissa Cooper. My stomach flutters when she walks into the room, my heart aches when I see what she is doing to herself. My palms were sweating the day that she was dragged in by the guards. Something about me, about her, kept me going.

_**I know it would be outrageous  
To come on all courageous **_

"Marissa, we've go to stop this." I lifted her chin up so that she could again meet my eyes.

Suddenly without warning she flung to her feet. With shaky steps she headed toward the gate leading to the beach.

"Where are you going?" I asked chasing after her as panic raced through my body. I grabbed for her arm. She yanked it away from me with all the force of a sumo wrestler. I stepped back in shock wondering where all of the energy was coming from. Marissa was running on pure adrenaline. Her eyes became dark and glared into mine like a wild bull that was ready to attack.

I eased towards her backing her up against the side of the house. She poised herself to charge at me.

_**And offer you my hand  
To pull you up on to dry land **_

"Please Ryan, leave me alone. I only need a hit, I'm just going to run out and get something to calm me down, I swear this is the last time!" She pleaded with me distressed. In the darkness of the night I could see her eyes brimming with tears.

"It's always ONE LAST FUCKING TIME Marissa! Always! I cant do this anymore!" I clenched my fists at my sides ready to snap.

"THEN DON'T RYAN! I NEVER ASKED FOR YOUR HELP GODDAMNIT!" Marissa screamed. Her voice was shrill and tired but it came out with rage. "So let me go." She stepped forward, I could see that this was a challenge.

"You're not going anywhere! You're not even wearing pants for the love of God!" I screamed. Marissa, appearing as though she just realized this smirked.

"So what." Her eyes flashed with rage and her muscles began to lock up.

"So what? You tell me." I challenged back

"I'll tell you what."

She took one step closer to me.

"I'm leaving."

She then pushed the entire weight of her body into mine.

"No way." I fought back

With all of my strength I slammed my body into her own and threw us against the wall of the Cohens house with a thud.

"No Ryan, let me go!" She hollered as she beat her fists into my chest and kicked me in my shins. All of her limbs moved every which way as she fought. "No, let me go!"

Her eyes which refused to close darted around in panic. As she got another burst of energy I had to pin her into the wall again but harder this time.

"Ryan!" She screamed beating my chest time and time again. Her teeth sunk into my shoulder. I could almost feel my skin tear. There was no doubt in my mind that if I did not pull her off of me a chunk of my arm would be gone in a matter of moments.

"Shit!" I screamed backing a step up and tearing her fists away from my chest. Taking hold of both hands I slammed her against the wall again, but this time I leaned so that we were nearly forehead to forehead and I had her arms poised at either side of her head. My feet were placed feet away from her own as I leaned into her.

_**When all I got is sinking sand **_

As she tried to slide down the wall the backs of her hands scraped the siding of the house. Nothing that I was doing could have stopped her at that point.

"Back the fuck up Ryan I swear!" She yelled

"Fine." I said relieving her wrists and backing up several feet. As she tried to charge past me I grabbed her around the waist and threw her over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

_**That trick ain't worth the time it buys **_

At this point Seth and Summer were watching in horror from the pool house window. Summer opened the door for me as I arrived carrying a flailing Marissa.

"Seth, turn the bath on cold."

Marissas eyes nearly popped out of her head as she realized what I intended to do. Her body began to shake as she sobbed.

"No, no! I'm done I swear!"

I didn't believe her. She clawed at my back trying to avoid the freezing bath water at all costs.

_**I'm sick of hearing my own lies **_

Seth and Summer stood blocking the doorway as I dropped her into the tub. Her head for the first moment or two was submerged in water until she came up gasping for breath.

"Ry- RYAN" She breathed out reaching for me. "Ry- Ryan!" She tried again as she tried to scramble out of the tub like a small kitten.

"Marissa honey, it's okay." Summer tried to soothe her from the doorway.

"No, NO!" She said gasping for breath again.

"Marissa, MARISSA!" I screamed as I was forced to push her body back into the frigid water with my own. I ended up toppling in beside her. "Calm down, just calm down." I said holding her against me.

_**And love's a raven when it flies **_

I flipped her over with force that surprised even me so that her back rested against my chest.

"Calm down, I'm here, just calm down."

She fought back for a second until I held her arms tight across her chest and then restrained them with my own.

"Calm down." I applied pressure on her body with mine. "Breathe! Come on Marissa breathe for me!"

_**Meet me on the other side, meet me on the other side **_

Her breathing began to steady and her body sunk into mine in submissively. The cold water bit my skin and my lips and fingernails turned blue. Marissa shivered against me.

_**I'll see you on the other side, see you on the other side **_

"That's it, breath with me. " I said coaching Marissa's breath. "Good girl, good girl." I repeated as I began to stroke the sides of her face with my trembling hand.

Moments later no longer able to bear the cold I toppled out of the tub. Both sets of our lips were blue and trembling with cold. I realized I was still wearing my jeans and white tank top, while Marissa was still only in her skimpy tank and underwear. As we hit the floor, me first of course, Summer rushed over with a towel from the bed and draped it across us. Marissa clung to me as she began sobbing.

_**Honey now if I'm honest, I still don't know what love is**_

**Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to build yourself back up… That was Marissa's rock bottom.**

* * *

**This sets the stage for RM i swear! Anyhow let me know what you think about the chapter, it started ff slow and then got pretty heavy. I hope to hear from you all. Thanks.**

**xoxo Jules**


	20. But now i've gone

**This chapter is a necessary filler basically setting the stage for to possible emergence of two couples. Which two? Keep on reading.**

**xoxo Jules**

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 20: "But now I've gone …"**

**Seths POV: "Maybe this kid was reaching out for love"**

Devotion.

The morning after the incident with Ryan and Marissa in the pool house everybody seemed to be on edge. I glanced over at the clock realizing that it was nearly noon and Ryan and Marissa were still in bed. She clung to him like a small child to their father. With complete boyish confidence and unfaltering care he protectively wrapped his arms around her.

Ryan was not the smartest guy, or even the strongest but he held himself in such a manner that it didn't even matter. A broken, tormented boy turned out to be the savior of a young girl on the verge of self destruction. I get jealous when I think about the way that Ryan can settle Marissa down. No matter how hard it gets he has never given up on her, not yet anyways. I want to be that to someone, but I don't know if I have what it takes. But then I see her, Summer, crouched by the pool in a ball staring at her own reflection…

"Hey." I said as I approached Summer, taking a seat next to her.

"Hey Cohen."

It seemed that awhile ago she had given up on avoiding contact with me and the feeling that it was completely necessary to curse my existence at every opportunity.

"How are you feeling?" I asked her despite the fact that her eyes were rimmed in black and her hair hung un-brushed around her face. Her fingernails were stubs from nervously gnawing on them throughout the night.

"Alright." She shrugged. "Are Marissa and Ryan up yet?" She asked me.

I shook my head no. Summers face then broke into a weak smile much to my surprise.

"How are you?" I never expected her to ask me that. Nobody ever asked how I was. There was never really a need. I was either so open that my feeling regardless how ridiculous just poured out, or I was around people who never cared to ask.

"Alright I guess." I sighed subconsciously "I think she's going to be okay."

"Who?" Summer asked quickly

"Marissa."

"Oh Marissa, yeah." She glanced towards the pool house doors. "I hope so."

"Ryan's taking care of her." I assured her.

Right then Alex bounded out of the house with Luke following close behind.

"Ey cuz." She said as she saw me stilling at the pool alongside Summer.

"Hey, how goes?" I asked wondering what made her so cheery on the uber depressio morning.

"It goes awesome because we are going sailing!" Alex was now bouncing up and down on her tip toes

"We are?" I asked trying not to sound overly excited. Alex knew that one thing that I could never turn down was sailing. I remember the first time that our parents let us go out alone we were thirteen. That may seem young but we had been sailing since the womb.

Alex packed me a lunch, a peanut butter and apple sandwich. We laid on the boat all day and just let it carry us out. It was one of the only good days that I can remember now.

"Yup!" She looked around. "Where are Ryan and Marissa?"

"Sleeping." Summer quickly responded.

"Would they want to co-" Luke began before I cut him off.

"I think that we should let them sleep."

Summer nodded in agreement.

"Is everything okay?" Alex questioned.

"Yeah, great!" Summer and I responded in unison.

She blushed and looked away from me which made my heart flutter a bit.

"Come on Summer, I've got some clothes for you." Alex said extending her hand to Summer.

Summer allowed Alex to help her up then followed the blonde girl inside, but not before turning to me.

"I'll be right back." She smiled and the headed for the main house leaving just Luke and I behind.

Luke sat beside me tossing the football that he was holding hand to hand.

"So you and Summer eh?" Luke asked me winking

"What do you mean Summer and I?" I was never the best at acting dumb

"I don't blame you man, she's hot." Luke grinned, I, like a pansy, blushed. "It's alright man. I think that you should just go for it."

"I donno man." I said as my ice broke a little bit.

"Why?" Luke question further

"She has some man issues if you know what I'm saying."

"Doesn't every girl?" Luke smiled again. "Besides you're a good guy. Alex says nothing but good stuff about you. She loves you."

"You love her." I said boldly turning to face Luke now.

"Yeah man, I do."

I leaned back and rested my body weight on my elbows.

"So how about this, I'll tell Summer how I feel about her if you tell Alex how you feel about her."

Luke thought about it for a minute.

"Deal."

Then he extended his hand to me and we shook.

* * *

**There is already a major story line in the works steming from this. Please keep reading and review. **

**xoxo Jules**


	21. and thrown it all away

**Another chapter so soon? Yes. I find it as hard to believe as you do. I think the main reason is because the last chapter was basically a filler, BUT i do have the next two chapters or so written and I am extremely excited about that. Keep reading and review!**

**xoxo Jules**

* * *

**Chapter 21: "…and thrown it all away-"**

**Alex's POV: "Or maybe for a moment"**

Alright, I'm done, just done. I can't lie to myself anymore, and I can't deny the feeling that have been trapped in my heart for so long. So that may sound a little too teen angst for me but I really don't know how else to describe it.

I have loved Luke Ward since the night that he climbed into my bedroom with a sprained wrist and a black eye. I have loved him since he stood up for me when I got braces, or how he was there to block my fall after everything went down with Gabe. I love him because he always loved me. He was always there, I could make mistake after mistake and that was okay with him. He didn't expect me to be perfect.

My mind rambled on and on as we hopped aboard the boat.

"Ready?" Seth asked as he untied the rope from the dock.

"All clear." Luke called back as he took hold of one of the sail.

"Alright." Seth then used whatever leg strength he could muster to push us away from the dock.

Summer and I laid out on the deck in our bathing suits sun bathing. It must have fallen asleep because before I knew it there was a cold breeze that overtook me. When my eyes fluttered open they met an angry black sky.

"What's going on?" I asked as I flew to my feet

"It seems we headed a little off course and right into a storm, but it's okay, I radioed in to our dock, with the coordinates that I have here the coast guard says that we should only be about three miles from shore." Seth explained

I looked around at the unfamiliar area.

"What shore?" I asked trying to remain calm

"Somewhere called North Costal." Luke informed me as rain began to drizzle down on our heads.

"Here!" Seth said tossing us life vests as we rushed around deck trying to secure the sails.

Everything from there on out was a blur. I remember slipping on the deck and falling forward. I saw blood and there was a throbbing pain in my knee, that was it. When I awoke I was surrounded by white walls.

"Hey there." A soft voice said from beside me

"Luke." I whispered. My voice was weak and strained.

"You gave us a scare squirt."

My body tingled as Luke wiped hair out of my eyes.

"What happened?" I asked trying to remember but coming up empty.

"You took a little spill on our way into shore. It seems that you cracked your knee cap."

My mind was reeling as I suddenly turned my head towards the foot of the bed to see my leg in a big cast and a sling.

"They had to put pins in your knee to stabilize it but everything should be okay. You parents are on the way."

It was so much information to take in at once, but Lukes soft smile eased whatever worries that I had.

"I've been thinking about something for awhile."

"Oh yeah?" I asked as I met his blue eyes with my own

"I was thinking that maybe you want to go out and grab dinner or something." He smiled nervously

Was he asking me out? No. That is my best friend. There is no way that he could think of me that way, right?

"We grab dinner all of the time."

Luke then stood up, shoving his hands in his pockets.

"Uh, yeah, well okay then, I'm going to get some coffee."

ALEX, what the hell are you thinking? Isn't this what you have been waiting for since like ever! Luke is in front of you, he wants you, you want him so stop being such an idiot!

"Luke!" I called from my bed before he reached the door. He turned silently.

"I would love to grab a bite with you. I mean as soon as these pins are out of my knee or something."

My voice was quivering with nervousness. Would this change things between us? The last thing that either of us need is a complicated relationship. But then Lukes face lit up;

"Yeah, I would love that." He smiled with the excitement of a small child

"Well then it's a date." I said gaining more confidence.

**Seths POV: "He forgot who he was"**

I watched as Summer flirted with one of the doctors at the coffee machine. He reached towards her chest and fiddled with the locket that lay there. She smiled a girlish smile back up at him before turning on her heels heading back over to me.

"Here!" She said beaming as she handed me my hot chocolate. I was never very much of a coffee guy.

When she smiled at me it almost turned my stomach. I actually had thought that I had a chance with this girl but she wants nothing to do with me. Why should she? I'm not hot, and I don't have any money and that's what matters to girls like her right?

I took the cup from her hand without looking at her.

"Is everything okay Seth?" She asked me

She sounded worried but I bet it is only because she felt sorry for me.

"I'm fine." I said as I turned away from her.

"Seth-"

She reached up trying to touch my shoulder. I backed away from her quickly.

"What is going on!"

I could see hurt flash in her eyes.

"Nothing, you don't have to worry about me anymore. You can go back to letting that doctor fondle you." I said coldly.

"Oh, do you think that was what that was!" She began to laugh. When my expression didn't change her face changed. "Is that really what you think of me Seth? Am I just a girl that cant live without getting into guys pants. You think of me as a whore Seth? Well than fuck you." She screamed

"Well your bedroom has always been like a fucking revolving door Summer! What am I supposed to think? You like old men that can give you all of the attention and all of their money so long as their wives aren't around right then."

The words flew out of my mouth never once coming in contact with my brain. Almost immediately I regretted everything that I had said.

"Fuck you." Summer whispered in the voice of a hurt child as she fled the emergency room into the storm.

Rain beat down on our heads and made the pavement slick. The sky was angry and booming above us. It seemed in that moment that there would be no end to this darkness.

"Stop following me!" Summer yelled as she spun around.

"Summer, I'm sorry!"

"No Seth, I'm sorry! I am sorry that I ever thought that you were any different. I am sorry that I thought that you cared. You made me feel like I was more than a worthless slut that never hesitated to go spread eagle for any John! So fucking what I have a past Seth, we all do! Maybe my parents never cared about me, and I fucked my first guy at age six and countless others for as long as I can remember. I'm a whore Seth, a good for nothing whore, stop wasting your time with me!"

"I'm sorry Summer, I am so sorry. I didn't mean those things that I said. You are an amazing intelligent girl with endless potential. You're not a whore, those were things that your mother made you do and she should have known better, it's her fault."

My heart wrenched as Summer broke down into tears.

"Then how come they hold it against me? It's all people see when they look at me!" She furiously wiped strands of soaked dark hair away from her face.

"No it's not!" I took one more step towards her and pulled her into my arms "I swear it's not."

And then I did it, I leaned in and I kissed her.

**Freedom is taking a leap. You have to let go of your past or you will never have a future. Life is more than pain, life is love, forgiveness, and growth.**

* * *

**I recently have developed this attachmemt to Summer's character which is more that convienent in the wake of next season... but anyway we dont talk about that. I hope this is what you guys had wanted so please review! I listen**

**xoxo Jules**


	22. Mama ooo

**Hey! I have been in such an artistic mood lately. I actually started making videos with this editing program on my computer, some OC, i'll send out the link eventually also.**

**Read and Review!**

**xoxo Jules**

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 22: "Mama ooo"**

**Kirsten's POV: "Or maybe this kid just wanted to be hugged"**

It's not every day when four kids show up on your doorstep, one of which being the child of your deceased sister, the others three lost children from nowhere. That being said there is no simple solution, resolution rather for this matter.

I look at Seth and I see my sisters quarks and Sandy's brothers will. Seth and I always had a special bond. I wanted more than anything to take him after his parents died, but I didn't. I let my father control me and my decisions. Honestly though, at the time I believed that Seth would be safe, so I let him go. Looking back I should have known better. He pleaded with me not to make him go with his grandfather, but if Caleb Nichol wanted to have his way then he would. Despite everything that I am sure that Seth has been through he has turned into a young man that any parent could be proud of. I know that his parents would be. I could never let him go again.

And then there's Summer. I have never met a girl more genuinely sweet and caring, my own daughter included. She is just lost, she really needs to be told that shes worth something. She has potential, and she has interests, and also an apparent fondness of my nephew. Summer just wants to please everyone. When someone has a problem you can tell that she truly empathizes with them. People like that today are hard to find. I her to feel free to be herself and know that it's okay. I also would love nothing more than for her to be the girl that makes my nephew happy. If I were to let her go then I don't know where she would end up. She is fragile and she doesn't know it. I want to prevent her from breaking.

Marissa is harder. Harder in analyze and harder to understand. She needs someone that she can trust. An outlet for all of her emotions that doesn't involve a mirror or a needle. They don't think that I know, but I've seen the track marks, I've seen it all. The other day Jimmy confided in me that he thought that she was infact his daughter from a fling that he had back in Chicago years before. That more than surprised me, but it verified for me that all of this happened for a reason. My nephew, his daughter. It was all too perfect to be coincidence. Jimmy has a lot to make up to her for, but I really believe that he is more than devoted to doing so. You can tell that he is a curious girl. Her blue eyes will focus on any one thing until she has it figured out. She knows a lot more than she leads people to believe. She's intuitive, plain and simple. With the right help for whatever chemical dependencies that she has she can turn around 100.

Ryan is a sweetie. He gets up in the morning and helps me with the dishes and has become our resident chef. He cracks a smile or two now occasionally and more than once I have seen him joking around with Sandy. Alex and Seth absolutely adore him. He cares about everyone and more often than not is the one that can get Marissa to sit still, or keep her attention. He would always be beside her when she stumbled. From time to time I have even watched the pool house from my bedroom window and seen him tucking her in with a light kiss on the forehead. For about the past month we have been renovating the kitchen and it was actually Ryan who found the design flaws that would have caused the structure itself to crumble. He could do so much and didn't even know it.

Maybe I look at this situation all too optimistically but these kids were never given a chance. Sandy, Jimmy and I had prolonged the inevitable conversation for way too long. What were we going to do with them all? It's not like they are stray puppies that we can send to the pound.

"So." Sandy said from around the table at which Jimmy and I also sat. "What are we going to do."

"We're obviously keeping Seth here with us. All along he should have been here." I said stating the more than obvious. "He can take the spare room across from Alex's."

Everyone nodded in agreement.

"Well since Marissa is mine she should be with me." Jimmy said.

"That girl needs a lot of help Jim." Sandy said in a husky serious voice.

"I know, I have already been calling doctors. There are a lot of places that can help her here in Newport, residential and otherwise." Jimmy explained. "It's just going to be hard, she out of all of them has to be watched like a child."

"We'll help out, anyway that you need." I offered up as Sandy nodded in agreement. "What about Ryan? We can't split them all up."

"Ryan is more than a help with Marissa. Maybe he should stay with Jimmy and help out with that." Sandy suggested

That was an idea but Ryan needed to have a life and not be burdened with everyone else's problems.

"Ryan needs to be a kid, it's really not his job to watch her. I really think that he should stay here with us, he can have to pool house."

I looked over to Sandy. I was surprised that he was in such agreement with this but I can tell now that he had become just as attached to these kids as I had.

"Ryan is a great kid." Sandy said.

"Summer?" That was the last question.

Summer was Marissa's best friend, but also Seth's… friend. She could live with Jimmy and Marissa but that could just bring her down.

"Summer can go with us." Sandy said

Now that more than surprised me but at the same time his heart was the reason that I fell in love with him.

"Well then." I said rubbing my hands together in agreement. "I guess it's settled!" I smiled.

This whole thing kind of excited me. Four kids, two boys, two girls. I felt like I was actually helping and making a difference.

Sandy agreed that he should be the one to talk to Seth and Ryan, and I would chat with Summer, but before we said anything we had to talk to Alex.

The boating accident had happened two weeks ago. A;ex was in bed day after day watching summer pass through a window.

I lightly knocked on the door.

"Come in!" She yelled.

"What are you doing honey?" I asked her

"I'm on my third viewing on _Free Willy _in a row. I can't get up to change it so I have to keep on pressing rewind." Her face turned into a scowl.

"I remember when I took you to see this in theaters you cried and wanted to leave because you hated it so much." Sandy stated. I chuckled.

"I do." She switched off the TV. "So what's up?" She asked all too much like a teenager.

"We wanted to talk to you about our guests." I began as I took a seat beside her in bed.

I looked down at my daughter who had her hair in a high, sloppy pony tail, and wore a t-shit and sweats so that she could roll them above her cast.

"Ah." She said as she reached for the coke that was on her nightstand. "Seth's my cousin, I already know that he's a shoe in, what about everyone else though?"

I had to smile at her forwardness.

"We were thinking that Ryan could take the pool house." Alex's face broke into a smile. "And Seth could take the guest room down the hall and Summer the one right across from you."

Her brow furrowed.

"Wait, what about Marissa cause you can't split them up and she and Ry-"

Sandy then cut her off.

"There is actually something else that we have to tell you about Marissa." He said scooting the chair that he was sitting in closer to our daughters bed.

"Jimmy Cooper is her father." I spilt out.

"What! You've got to be kidding me! I mean anyone with a mirror could have suspected it but this is for real?"

I nodded not at all surprised by my daughters reaction.

"Wow, well does Marissa know!" Alex asked looking as though she would have sprung from bed were it not for the cast weighing her down.

"She found out a couple of weeks again." Sandy responded

Alex nodded again.

"Well I think its really cool what you guys are doing and it's totally chill with me. I'm actually kind of excited." She grinned.

"It will be good for you to experience life with other kids around." Sandy said

"I was actually thinking that there's gonna be less attention paid to what I do."

**And with that our family grew.

* * *

**

A reasonable arrangement?

xoxo Jules

R and R


	23. Didn't mean to make you cry

**So I have up to chapter 26 written. All couples will get their requests, haha, soon. Anyhow this is like the start of the new living arrangements and once everything is settled it will progress from there. Relationship wise. It just has to be a realistic transition.**

**xoxo Jules

* * *

**

**Chapter 23: "Didn't mean to make you cry-"**

**Kirsten's POV: "Whatever it was"**

I wasn't sure how to tell Summer the news. I hoped with every fiber of my being that she would accept my offer.

Summer sat on Alex's bed beside her flipping through a magazine. The two girls chatted as they giggled at something that they had read in the article. I gently tapped on the door frame.

"Hey girls." I said stepping into the room. They both looked up

"Hey mom." Alex greeted me with a less than enthusiastic hand wave

"Hey Mrs. Cohen." Summer said looking up at me smiling.

I stood in the doorway a moment longer before I mustered up the courage to ask Summer.

"I was wondering if you wanted to ride with me to South Coast Plaza and keep me company."

"um…" Summer stuttered turning to Alex who waved her hand signing that Summer should go ahead. "Yeah, that'd be cool I guess." She responded.

The ride to South Coast was silent, but it wasn't uncomfortable. Summer is the only person that had ever been in my car and not writhed when I turned on my music. As it turned out, much to my surprise might I add that she was into the classics like Ella Fitzgerald, Etta James, and Billie Holiday. It seemed that we were at the plaza in no time at all.

"I was thinking that we could grab some lunch."

I could see Summer becoming nervous at the prospect of having to spend money, but quickly I washed her worries away.

"It's on me." I tried to give her a reassuring smile. It seemed to have worked.

"Are you sure?" She asked biting her bottom lip.

"No worries." I said keeping eye contact with the girl.

"Cool. That sounds great."

We headed to a little outside bistro and took a seat. We ordered our food and sat in silence for awhile until I had mustered up the courage to bring up the unspoken topic.

"What do you want to do with your life Summer?" I asked her rather bluntly, but not in a lecturing tone.

"I don't know… I mean, I donno, I guess that I haven't thought about it much."

I nodded understanding. These kids weren't given a chance to think that far into the future. They had to worry about where there next meal would come from.

"I could see you doing something with design." I confessed

"Really?" She said as her face lit up.

"Yeah." I smiled back at her as our food came. "So I was thinking, the summer is almost over and we have to decide what we are going to do about next year."

"Oh."

Her face fell a bit and she began to shift nervously in her seat.

"Sandy and I were talking about it. Alex goes to this school, it's called Harbor, and the actually have a pretty impressive design program, well for a high school anyway."

"That's cool." Summer said clearly not understanding where I was going with any of this.

"If you wanted to stay with us, through the year, and for as long as you need to Sandy and I would love to have you in our home." I finally spilled, nervous that I could not just yet gage the girls reaction.

"Oh, wow…" Summer stuttered out. "I wasn't quite expecting that."

I leaned across the table and took Summers hand into my own.

"Sandy and I, Alex as well, would love nothing more than for you to join our family."

Summers eyes were confusing and hard to read. It was almost as if she didn't believe me.

"I don't get why…"

"Because Summer, you are a beautiful woman with endless potential and you deserve just as much as any other person. Sandy and I can give that to you."

Summer sat for a moment as though she were trying to digest everything that I was saying. And then without warning she began to cry. Not just cry, she sobbed.

"Honey, it's okay!" I said rising from my seat and walking around the table to embrace her. The fact that we were in public didn't matter, there was no need to feel embarrassed. This was the start of something new. Summer deserved more than the life that she had been living.

"Thank you so much Kirsten. I will not let you down I promise." Summer pulled back from me and smiled wiping the tears from her face. "Really though, I appreciate it more than you will ever know."

Looking into the young girls eyes there was no doubt in my mind that she meant every single word that she said. Any worry that I had about the new arrangement was forgotten at that moment.

"I know Summer."

I knew that I did the right thing.

**Jimmys POV: "I know it's because"**

I had only seen Marissa once since it was discovered that I was infact her father. The next time neither one of us necessarily addressed on another so I don't know how she's going to be about me coming to her now asking her something as bold as to move in.

I stood outside of the pool house which she had been calling home since the four teens seemingly washed up on the shore of Newport beach. She was sitting alone on the bed staring off into space. Her hair was wet after just having taken a shower and she wore no make-up, allowing her freckles to scatter her face.

She looked up, startled, when I creaked open the pool house door.

"Oh hey." She said with a small smile when she saw me. I had no idea what prompted the smile but with Marissa people tend to take what they can get in the way of a positive gesture.

"Hey." I said stepping further into the room. "Can I talk to you about something?" I asked taking a seat in the chair beside the bed.

"So what's up?" Marissa asked tossing hair over her shoulders, she sniffed and rubbed her nose. Coke.

She was pale and the clothes that she wore hung off of her. She always fidgeted with her toes and chewed on her lip as though it were a piece of gum, yet she was beautiful. I could only imagine the horror that she went through having Julie as a mother. What I witnessed in the short time that I knew her she can damage anyone enough to last a lifetime.

"Well we, the Cohen's and I were thinking that it is about time to make some permanent arrangement for you kids. The summer is almost over and you kids should be enrolled for school in the fall."

She looked at me and I could tell that she was wondering what I was going to propose.

"I was thinking, well wondering if you would move into my apartment with me." I finally spoke.

Marissas eyes darted from side to side and her eyebrows furrowed.

"I don't know. I mean, you're not obligated to take care of me." She finally spoke still not meeting my eyes.

"Marissa, I'm your father! Of course I want to take care of you!"

"It's just that you weren't there the first sixteen plus years of my life so why should that all change now? You don't want me and if you did you would have taken me when you found me all of those years ago."

Salt in the wound, knife in the back, needles in my eye, and a twisting of the gut. That is what her words felt like to me all at once.

"I'm sorry Marissa. I was young and I was dumb and I want nothing more than to make it up to you. I really really swear that all I want is to do right by you. I just need to chance to prove it." I pleaded to the girl in front of me. I could tell that she was starting to break.

Marissa sighed and then met my eye.

"Where do you live?" She asked "Do you live in Newport?"

"Yeah yeah! I live right next door to the Cohens."

I tried not to get too excited. The last thing that I wanted was for her to change her mind and flee.

"Do you have a family?" Marissa asked chewing on her bottom lip again.

"My wife, Georgia, died two years ago, around this time actually."

That had been one of the most painful experiences of my life. She was an amazing woman. She didn't care about my flaws and she made me feel like a teenager again even when I was in debt or knee deep in paperwork. Breast cancer took her after a five year battle. The entire family has struggled ever since.

"I'm sorry." Marissa spoke

"It's okay. We had three kids together she and I."

Marissa's brow furrowed again hearing this.

"Rhett is 15 and Caitlin is about 14, and then Sophie is 6. Georgia was diagnosed right after she was born."

Marissa nodded blankly.

"What about everyone else?" She then asked me

"The Cohen's have agreed to let Seth, Summer, and Ryan stay here with them. I wanted you with me." I confessed.

Marissa nodded blankly again.

"And you only live next door?"

"Yep." I said nodding my head.

"I mean…" Marissa stuttered. "I guess that sounds cool then." She gave me a small smile. "Thanks Jimmy."

One day I hope that she will be able to call me dad, but I know that's not today.

**Sandy's POV: "We are, We are…"**

Ryan and Seth are two respectable young men. See I never had a son, and I never really had a father so the prospect of having two youths, both males in my house that I have to look out for puts me on edge a bit. But there're good kids, they'll do just fine.

I walked into the living room where the two boys were playing play station.

"Hey guys, can I talk to you for a second?" I asked as Seth switched off the TV.

"Yeah, sure." Ryan said.

They both turned to face me anxiously.

"Well summer is winding down and school is starting here in the fall and Kirsten and I were thinking that we'd really like for the two of you to come and stay with us. Permanently." I felt the need to add.

Seth and Ryan exchanged glances. Seth smiled and approached me pulling me into a  
"manly" hug.

"Thanks Uncle Sandy." He said

"What is going to happen to Summer and Marissa?" Ryan asked from the ground where he sat.

"Summer is going to be living right across the hall from Alex, and if all goes as planned Marissa is going to be living with Jimmy." I explained

"Jimmy, that's random." Seth said flopping down onto the couch.

It the occurred to me that the boys didn't know.

"Jimmy actually, as it turns out, is Marissa's father."

"What!" Both Ryan and Seth said turning to me.

"It's a long story."

And for I had to leave it at that, for now at least.

**Families are not where you are born, or who looks like you, or who acts like you. Family is who you surround yourself with… a new family has just been born.**

**

* * *

**

Let me know what you think! Reviews are pretty stellar.

xoxo Jules


	24. If I'm not back

**Hey guys. I have updated again as you can see so let me know what you think!**

**xoxo Jules**

**

* * *

Chapter 24: "If im not back-" **

**Summers POV: "Little Suzy, she was only twelve"**

These past couple of week has been a whirlwind. First there was Seth kissing me at the hospital, and then Kirsten asked me to move in. Everything was changing at once. Seth and I still haven't really said much since the kiss, and our relationship has remained more than platonic, for now at least. Sooner or later we're going to have to talk about it, but right now I have been dragged to home depot with Kirsten and Alex to pick out paint samples for my new room.

"Really though, I really don't mind the white." I tried to assure them

"Well even so, my mom never passes up an opportunity to redecorate." Alex gave me a friendly smile.

Kirsten held up a dark pinkish color paint strip.

"What about this one?" She asked

Both Alex and I cringed and Kirsten chuckled at us.

"Mom, she's not a 50 year old woman1"

"Well you guys give me some help then!"

She put the paint sample back and then turned to Alex and I.

"What's your favorite color?" Alex asked sifting through the paint samples.

"I don't know. Purple I guess."

I always liked purple.

"Like violet purple, or grape purple?" Kirsten asked

"A light soft purple." I elaborated. "Like this." I pulled up a paint sample that I had secretly been eyeing the entire time.

"Ooo, I love it!" Alex exclaimed.

"This is like the color that I had tried to get Alex to decorate her own room in. Instead it's that obnoxious bright yellow." Kirsten rolled her eyes as we headed to the counter.

"Hey now mom, I think it has character. It says something." Alex playfully shot back

"Yeah, it says you want to be blinded." Kirsten smiled at her daughter

Kirsten and I laughed as Alex pouted.

"So what I'm not the domestic type!" Alex defended herself again throwing her hands up into the air.

**Ryan's POV: "She was given the world"**

I never expected that I was going to be living in a mansion in Newport Beach. I never even imagined that I would see the ocean, and now I'm here with the world at my fingertips. I can't screw this up.

Marissa walked into the pool house. She had been in the main house cleaning up to go over to dinner with her father. She had seemed frazzled all day, and so unsure of herself. I found it kind of cute.

"Ryan can I ask you a question?" She asked as her mouth turned to a pout "Do I look okay?"

I looked up from where I sat on the bed at the girl that stood before me. She was wearing a pair of Alex's old jeans that clung to her body. I had never really seen her in anything that fit before. On top of that she wore a red halter top and had her hair twisted into a low loose bun. The only flaw was that she was undeniably too skinny, but she was still beautiful. The California sun had taken away the pale grey tint of her skin and replaced it with it's golden glow.

"Of course." I stuttered trying not to look at her too hard.

Marissa then chuckled to herself and began to blush.

"What?" I asked looking around wondering what was so funny.

She turned her eyes gesturing towards my lap. Realizing the "situation" I felt my face flush and I grabbed a pillow and quickly covered myself up.

"Sorry." I said.

Ever since the incident the other night where I had to drag Marissa into the bath tub there had been no other problems. She had been trying hard not to use, and she had cut back on everything, a lot. Hopefully Jimmy can give her the help that she needs.

Marissa made her way across the room and plopped down on the bed beside me, and then lay back allowing her body to splay the bed.

"At least we're all together right?" Marissa spoke up.

"Yeah." I said, "we are. You're only next door. We'll see you everyday still."

"What if they hate me?" Marissa asked turning over onto her stomach

"Who?" I asked not following whatsoever.

"Jimmy's kids. What if the hate me."

"They wont."

She then sat up next to me. Her movements were always very fidgety and anxious. She sniffed and wiped her nose furiously for a moment before she stood up.

"Alright. I guess I'm off then." She fidgeted with her top again.

"Yeah, I guess so." I responded.

"Hey Ry?" She said turning as she made her way to the door.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for everything." She smiled quickly before she slowly made her way over to the Cooper mansion.

The girl was an onion and there were way too many layers for me to get to the bottom. At the same time though that's was kind of what attracted me to her. Layers.

Marissas POV:

You will not fuck this up. This is a real family. Just act calm and normal. Shit, do I know how to do either of those! What if they hate me? I mean I guess they have to like me because I'm their sister. But what if they don't? What if it gets so bad that Jimmy kicks me out? Where would I go then?

My mind was racing so fast that I barely realized when I reached the door to the mansion right beside the Cohens. I guess that I somehow underestimated the distance between the two houses or something.

Before I could even knock the door swung open. It was Jimmy standing there, he was grinning from ear to ear, but at the same time he looked a little nervous.

"Hi." I said sheepishly playing with my feet again.

"Hey." He said backing away from the door allowing me to enter. "You look nice." He commented.

I admit that this had to have been the first time that anyone in Newport had seen me remotely put together. I looked into the den before stepping inside.

"Kids!" Jimmy hollered.

It was then that I heard a rumble on the stairs.

"Sorry, they can be a little rowdy sometimes." Jimmy warned me. He was right.

"Give it back to me Rhett!" A teenage girl screamed

"Dude, I don't even know what IT IS!" He screamed back at her.

"Yeah you do, you know you took it!" The girl screamed back.

Jimmy and I exchanged glances as they stormed into the living room.

"You were probably stoned and left it somewhere!" The boy argued back

"Left what where!" The girl yelled back

"I don't know! I don't even know what this argument is about!" He screamed. He wore a blue button down shirt and khaki shorts. His hair hung in his face.

"My I-pod!" The girl screamed back.

"I didn't even know you had an I-pod!" He screamed back, his voice booming

The teenage girl did something then that took me more than by surprise. She picked up a book from the table and chucked it as hard as she could into the boy's head. She ducked and it hit the wall right behind him. Were it not for his quick reflexes he would have had a nice dent in his forehead.

"God Caitlin, why do you have to always be such a pmsing bitch!" He screamed throwing a miscellaneous object back at her head. But this time it hit her, square in the forehead.

The girl who I am now assuming was Caitlin growled at her brother and rubbed her head furiously. We all gasped when we looked to the floor to see what the boy I have now gathered is Rhett, threw a her. It was a hot pink I-pod. Caitlin picked it up from the ground. It was in pieces.

"I KNEW YOU HAD IT!" She screamed

"I swear I didn't! I grabbed the first thing that was on the couch. I didn't even look on the couch I swear!" Rhett argued

"KIDS!" Jimmy finally said breaking it up.

"WHAT!" Both Rhett and Caitlin said turning to their father.

Jimmy sighed before he spoke.

"I want you to meet your sister. Marissa, this is Rhett and Caitlin."

It was a moment before any words could escape my lips.

"Hey." I said in a small voice

"What's up." Rhett said flashing me a charming toothy smile.

"Hey." Caitlin said as she held her hand to her forehead.

Suddenly a small girl with blonde pig tails walked into the room. She was wearing a pink tutu and dancing tights.

"Daddy, can I use this to make dinner?" She asked holding up a plastic baggie.

My eyes got wide when I looked at the bag that contained over an ounce of weed.

Jimmy snatched the bag from the young girls hand and closed the huge door to make sure that nobody had seen.

"Where did you get this Sophia?" His nostrils flared.

"Rhetts room!"

The little girl, Sophie, give Jimmy a wide smile, proud of herself for finding the "cooking ingredient". I realized that she was missing her two front teeth. When I was about four my moms boyfriend had knocked one of my front teeth out. Luckily for me by the time that I was six it had grown back in.

"Can we ever just have a normal evening!" Jimmy said sighing.

"Haha." Caitlin laughed from across the room. "You are totally busted, now he's going to drug test the hell out of you."

Rhett stood with his arms crossed gritting his teeth.

"Well Caity, if that's true then he may as well test you while he's at it, and then check in your top drawer for you condoms and phone numbers of men twice your age." Rhett spat rather smugly.

I honestly found this situation more than humorous.

"Caitlin, Sophie, Rhett, dining room table now! We will eat one meal as a civilized family!" Jimmy yelled at his children. Then he turned to me, " I am so sorry about all of that. It gets a little hectic around here sometimes." He explained

"Don't even worry about it. It's fine, really. They were sweet…"

Jimmy gave me a disbelieving look.

"Alright, well they look sweet." I smiled as he grinned back at me. We turned our heads to the kitchen where there was a loud crash and then a scream, and then breaking china.

"Oh my God!" Jimmy said throwing his head back as Caitlin rushed from the dining room.

"Don't worry Daddy it alright. Rosa just spilled the casserole when she was taking it out of the oven! The dish shattered, but it was an old dish anyway, and the casserole was already burnt so I mean, it happens right?"

The girl spoke a mile a minute. I don't think that even her own father could keep up with her. He sunk to the steps of the den.

"Rhett's ordering Chinese!" Caitlin said her voice rising as she rocked back and forth on her feet. "How do you feel about general tsao's chicken?" She turned to look at me smiling.

"It sounds… great!"

That night we were going to all sit around the table and eat some fancy dinner. What it turned into was a movie and Chinese on the couch, which was perfectly fine with me. They, the Coopers were actually decent company. Sophie asked if I sniffed and rubbed my nose so much because I had a cold. I dumbly responded yes. Caitlin seemed not to notice, nor did Jimmy, but since that Rhett was eyeing me funnily.

**So the changes just keep on coming… It might be alright. Right?**

**

* * *

I thought Caitlins POV was a little different and definately a fun twist to this. A little lighter it was than the other teens and thats a good thing, i think at least.**

lemme know what you think.

xoxo Jules


	25. again this time tomorrow

**ALRIGHT so i have two points to make.**

**Point 1: I am sorry about the delay of the next chapter but i made a mistake with this story. The chapter that is posted below is SUPPOSED to be chapter 24, but I posted chapter 25 as 24 because it was mis-marked. That is why i commented on the last chapter being Caitlins POV because it was SUPPOSED to be.**

**Point 2: This is still a really good fun chapter. It goes before the other one and is basically Jimmy telling the kids about Marissa. More funny times, things of that sort.**

**Because every chapter that i type is titled to the next lyric of Bohemian Rhapsody that was all screwed up, but i fixed it, and if you scroll down the lyrics are still in the order that they should be. **

**Sorry once again, but happy reading!**

**REVIEW! (i'll probably have the next chapter that is already typed up posted by friday so stay tuned)**

**xoxo Jules**

**

* * *

Chapter 24: "-again this time tomorrow"**

**Caitlin's POV: "The youth of a Nation"**

My dad tries. I mean for real he does. He is always taking Rhett to his baseball games and carting Sophie off to every single one of her dance recitals. Ever since mom died everyone has been down, nobody really says anything. Dad and Mom worked like a puzzle, filling each others missing pieces. It just worked. When she died so did the other half of the puzzle and you can just see it. Well until recently that is.

Dad has been on the phone a lot, I have overheard him. But it's not anything to do with the bank or insurance, it's actually doctors. In his desk drawer I found a pamphlet for some rehab clinic or something. I mean yeah my dad drinks, he lives in Newport for Christ's sake. I don't think that I realized though that his drinking got so bad, … actually it hadn't! I have this friend Natalie and we are totally like BFF or whatev, anyhow her mom got sent to rehab after she found her dad in bed with the maid from the Philippines . Everybody acted like it was no big thing to their faces but Natalie was the talk of the school for I donno, like weeks or something.

"CAITLIN!"

I could hear my dad faintly over my headphones. I turned over on my bed and turned off the music.

"Yeah!" I called from where I sat now perched on my bed.

"Come on downstairs I want to talk to you." He called back

I knew it was it. He was going to rehab and he was going to leave us with some Nanny named Olga, or other hired help, if not the worst case scenario, his mother. If he went to rehab what would I say when I got back to school? Everybody would know! Its not like they can be like, whoops you're accountant is no longer going to be working due to personal matters. Hello! That has rehab written all over it! Well, maybe not but still! The last thing that I need screwing up my first year in high school is a rumor going around about my family.

I made the way downstairs to find Rhett on the couch with my dad sitting in the adjacent chair.

"What's up?" I asked as I stood beside the couch

"Why don't you have a seat kid." My dad said to me. Oh no, this was going to be bad.

"Dad, really though I have practice in like 15 minutes." Rhett pushed his hair from in front of his eyes.

"It's not going to take that long." My dad said hushing him

"For real though dad, I just painted my nails and I went all of the way down here for this so it better be worth it."

I mean it's true, and I have to get my nails perfect, and I mean perfect.

"A long time ago there was a woman in my life."

"What were you like married or something?" Rhett asked with a chuckle.

"No, not at all. The opposite actually. Now this was way back before I knew your mother."

I shook my foot becoming anxious.

"Dad, just get to the point!" I urged him

He cleared his throat

"Sorry, sorry. This is a little hard for me. Anyhow, the woman, Julie, and I ended up having a child together. A daughter."

Rhett chuckled to himself. He was calm and extremely laid back. He wouldn't care if the world were coming to an end. I think whatever tension that was supposed to get transferred into his body was transferred into mine.

"Wait, so you're telling us that we have an older sister who we've never met?" I was trying my hardest not to scream

"Shes 16, her name is Marissa."

My dad put his head down.

"Oh my God, oh my god!" I said leaning back into the couch. I was never expecting this, not from my dad at least. Apparently Josh's dad is having a baby with his little siblings nanny and now his family doesn't know what to do because his mom wants to stay for his dads money, but the nanny won't give the baby up.

"So wait," Rhett began chewing on the end of a twizzler, "where has she been the past 16 years then?"

"She lived with her mother for about eleven years or so, and then her mother was not able to take care of her anymore so she was put in the foster system."

This was all so surreal. It's like something from a bad teen drama almost.

"If she's your daughter then why didn't you just take care of her?" Rhett asked in a no-duh tone.

"I wasn't sure at the time whether or not she was mine and I had never signed her birth certificate or taken any legal right to her so social services never contacted me."

"So you just basically abandoned her?" Rhett asked challenging my father.

"Not exactly." My dad tried to defend himself

"So why are you telling us all of this now?" I asked realizing that there was no reason to have kept this from us our entire childhoods.

"Well," My dad told me in a tone that meant what he was going to say next was anything but pleasant, "it seems that after 16 years Marissa has ended up in Newport. She's been staying with the Cohens."

I saw the kids that were staying with the Cohens totally on the random. They just like appeared one day or something, it was so totally weird. I saw the two girls a time or two, on was short and had long dark brown hair and usually sported a smile. The other was taller and more lanky, but her eyes were kinda cool although she always looked tired. I mean whichever one is my sister at least she's pretty. She won't like screw up family photos or anything.

"So what did she come to find you or something?" I asked

"No, no. Nothing like that at all actually. She was actually with the Cohen's nephew Seth. I went over there one day and there she was."

"That's totally weird." Rhett exclaimed, sounding like a token stoner. Rhett though never smoked, or maybe he did. I don't really care one way or the other. He's a really good kid, real like decent or something.

"Which one is she?" I asked

"Um, I'm not sure if you've seen her. She's taller, light hair, blue green eyes."

I chuckled to myself

"Haha, Rhett totally thought that she was hot." I nudged his arm. He rolled his eyes in return.

"Lay off, I didn't know!" He smirked throwing his hands up. "Now whenever I see a hot girl I'm going to worry that I'm hitting on my sister."

Haha. I could totally see Rhett freaking out over that too. He'd like have the girl trace back the family tree like 17 generations to make sure that there was no chance that their kids would come out with three eyes and a tail.

"Since Marissa doesn't really have anywhere else to go I invited her to stay with us in our home. Is that okay with the two of you?" He asked

I contemplated it for a minute. I mean, I did kinda feel bad for her. If I had no place to go I think that I would be freaking the hell out. It probably wouldn't change things too much.

"I mean it's straight." Rhett spoke up, "She has nowhere else to go and she's my sister."

Then both he and my father looked towards me.

"I mean, it wont make a difference, I'm already the middle child."

When my brother and my dad smiled at me I couldn't help but to smirk back.

"Just to let you know, Marissa has gotten into some trouble with drugs in the past."

"Oh great, is she going to steal shit for drug money?" I asked

"No, she's a good kid. The entire time that she has been with the Cohen's she has never had any problems. I just wanted you guys to know that I am going to be talking to some doctors trying to get this whole situation straightened out."

"Whatever we can do to help dad." Rhett said

I hated how he offered me up like that sometimes.

"Thanks kids, I really appreciate it. I will probably need your help too with Sophie." He hugged us both. I eased back into the couch for another hug.

"So when do we get to meet this Marissa…, wait is her last name Cooper?" I asked suddenly realizing that this could soon turn into a little more of a white trash situation then it already was.

"No, she's a Cooper." My dad smiles "And to answer your question she's coming over later tonight for dinner."

I hated when my dad made plans without consulting everyone. Jared was supposed to pick me up to take me to the movies and I have been dreaming of this date forever and he is so hot and he plays, get this, water polo, for Harbor.

"Dad, I have a date!" I complained realizing that I was being more than childish

"Come on Caity." Rhett urged me.

"Alright." I broke a smile. "I mean this whole situation could be cool"

Maybe having a big sister won't be so bad. Don't tell but since I lost my mom I donno, I feel like someone is missing. That girl, that woman to confide in is no longer there. Maybe things could kinda go back to the way that they were.

**Maybe somebody can fill in the missing puzzle piece, or maybe crumble whats left of it.

* * *

What'd you think?**

xoxo Jules


	26. Carry on

**So I really couldn't help but to post this chapter because I am getting so much of this written and it's working out pretty well. Haha. So I dont know. I like this chapter, theres more or less a surprise ending... you'll see. Read on!**

**xoxo Jules**

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 26: "Carry on-"**

**Seths POV: "With every chance to excel"**

**"**So I like her. She knows that I like her. I know she knows that I know that she knows I like her, so then WHY won't I do anything about it?"

I rambled off at Alex who sat before me looking utterly confused. She sighed before speaking.

"I think you guys should just sit down and talk. That wouldn't hurt anything would it?" She suggested popping a handful of chips into her mouth.

"No, maybe, … I don't know!"

I continued to trace the figure that I was drawing on her cast. She sighed again.

"What's up with you and Luke?" I asked focusing on my work as I spoke.

"We're just taking it slow yanno?" She responded to me.

"Yeah, maybe that's what I'll do with Summer."

"Dude," Alex exclaimed tossing a stray chip at me. "You're going slower than slow, you're not even in drive!"

"I know, I know!" Seth said tossing his hands in the air.

"Just go talk to her." She urged me.

Summer was intimidating. I'll say it. She scares me. A lot. Or well she used to. Recently things had been going well with us. She has seemed to adjust to Newport well enough.

"I will. She and I are supposed to go out to the pier later to meet up with Ryan and Marissa. I will if I get the chance then."

"Where are Ryan and Marissa now?"

"Ryan is helping Marissa and Jimmy put together furniture for Marissa's bedroom." I informed her looking down at my watch. It had been awhile.

**Ryan's POV: "Hang with the boys"**

I watched Marissa try to stick two boards together with a plastic cork and staring at the instruction manual like it was in another language. Strands of hair from her messy ponytail hung in her face as she flipped through the pages. Jimmy was making about just as much progress from where he sat in the other corner attempting lamely to open a box.

"You need some help?" I asked Marissa after I had single handedly assembled the dresser.

She nodded as she dully handed me the booklet and the two pieces of wood over. Easily I flipped the wood over to the other side and effortlessly slipped in the corks. She looked at me and blushed.

"So Ryan." Jimmy began.

My stomach tensed. I don't know why. I felt like for some reason I had to make a good impression on him. I just for whatever reason wanted Marissa's new family to like me.

"what are you planning on studying in school?"

Not at all a probing question. Was I supposed to know this?

"Sandy and Kirsten think I should do something with architecture."

Jimmy nodded approvingly.

"I could see that." He said turning back to the box.

"Me too." Marissa said grinning at me. "You in a yellow hard hat."

Jimmy sighed and backed away from the box.

"We can take a break. Most of the furniture is done and I can have Rhett finish it. I know you guys are supposed to meet up with Summer and Seth in a little bit anyway."

"Are you sure, I don't mind finishing." I offered

"No it's fine go ahead." Jimmy urged us

I stood and then extended my hands to help Marissa up. She took them rising onto shaky feet. She was fighting the urge to use. I could tell. She kept chewing on her lip and fidgeting with her fingers.

"Oh yeah Marissa, tomorrow you, Rhett, and Caitlin are going to go shopping for school clothes." Jimmy informed her

"I'm fine with what I have really." Marissa insisted

"No, I insist really." Jimmy said "Now you kids head out." He smiled at us "See you here tonight Marissa?" He asked

She nodded obediently. I could tell that she was trying so hard.

"Bye." She said giving Jimmy a little wave goodbye.

We stepped out onto her front walk and headed towards the beach. The sun was bright and hot.

"How are you feeling?" I couldn't help but ask

Her skin was clammy and her eyes were darting in every directions. I was beginning to worry.

"There are about two weeks before school starts Jimmy told me, he's putting me into some detox program." She confessed wrapping her arms protectively around herself.

"That's good though right?" I asked.

"Yeah, I guess so. I was thinking that maybe it's about time to get myself together." She sighed "I mean you guys are right?" She asked looking over at me with big blue green eyes.

"Yeah, I think so. Tomorrow Sandy and Kirsten made appointments for Seth, Summer and I to get our schedules set up."

I was kind of excited about school. I had never been to a school before where there were actual computers and books and teachers. Kids would bring knives and guns to the schools I'd went to. Seth, Summer and I would have to take placement tests to determine which classes we could take since we have no real records.

It was then that Summer and Seth approached us. They looked cute as they flirted their way down the boardwalk.

"No Cohen, that's not even true!"

"Um, yeah it is, don't you ever watch the discovery channel?" He asked in a no duh tone before Marissa cut them off.

"Hey guys." She said

I looked around our group. Seth had momentarily ditched his zip up vest and traded it in for some shirt of a Beatles tribute band and baggy jeans with converses. Summer's hair was clean and washed and she wore simple make-up and a bohemian looking sun dress. Marissa was wearing a skirt with the same look of Summers and a tank top with a light jacket over it. We looked like actual people. Not street children.

We didn't carry backpacks with us anymore, nor did we have a communal stick of deodorant. Seth had been the only person who had thought to take one at the time we left. We were just different.

We hung out at the boardwalk for most of the rest of the day until the sun had set and Marissa was due back to Jimmy's and the rest of us had to go over to the Cohens for dinner.

**Seths POV: "and hear the stories they tell"**

Once we got back to Sandy and Kirstens house Ryan continued on to walk Marissa home and that gave Summer and I a minute. It felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest.

"So, you've been good and stuff?" I asked her

"Yeah actually." She answered turning to face the ocean.

"Awesome."

My heart began beating faster and then faster. I could feel the blood rushing through my veins. I just wanted to tell her.

"So I was thinking-" I began

"SETH, SUMMER!" Kirsten called from the doorway "DINNER!"

I could feel my head sink to my feet.

"Can we talk later?" Summer asked

Clearly she had no idea that I was about to spill my heart out to her.

"It'll be quick." I said trying to get her to stay

Thunder began to rumble from above.

"It's never quick with you." Summer said smiling. "Besides, I hate to keep Kirsten waiting. We can talk later. Please?" She begged

"Yeah, no problem!" I said clapping my hands together "It wasn't that big of a deal anyway." I added

"Okay!" She said standing up on her toes and planting a kiss on my cheek as she headed inside.

What was up with this girl? She was the definition of mixed signals.

**Ryan's POV: "She might act kind of proud"**

Glancing over at my clock I realized that it was nearly 3 am. I held my pillow over my head to try to drown out the sound of the storm that was raging outside my window. We had all eaten, and then Seth and I had challenged Alex and Summer in dead or alive then I came back here. When I got here I was tired, but it went away as soon as I got into bed, something was forcing me awake. I was thinking about Marissa.

Since we left the Hartford House none of us had slept a night without the others. It was weird to be alone. I didn't really like it. Is that stupid though? I'm 18 years old and I am afraid to sleep alone? Well it's not exactly that I'm afraid, I just don't like it.

Lighting crashed as the door flung open casting shadows around the room. Becoming tangled in my sheets and startled by the door flying open I fell from my bed. I looked up at the door terrified, to reveal a soaking wet Marissa in a tank top and pajama pants staring back at me. She looked like she was freezing to the bone from where she shivered in the doorway.

"What the hell Marissa?" I asked standing to my feet. "Are you okay?" I asked as I headed to the bathroom, grabbed a towel and wrapped it around her.

"Yeah." She spoke from between her chattering teeth. "I just." She turned her eyes towards the ground as I rubbed her shoulders attempting to warm her.

"You just what?" I asked as I stopped rubbing her arms and looked into her eyes.

"I just got kind of scared." She said looking down at the floor again. "I didn't mean to wake you." She looked up at me with hopeful eyes.

"Nah, it's okay. I was up anyway." I said grinning back at her. "Wait here a sec, I'll grab you some dry clothes."

I rummaged through the sack that I had basically been living out of and found a long t-shirt. I brought it back out to her.

"Thanks." Marissa said graciously taking the top from my hands and changing right there in front of me.

"No prob." I said.

Marissa was the first to move again as she climbed onto the bed and yawned.

"Tired?" I asked

"I wasn't until I got here. Funny how that happens huh?" She sniffed and wiped her nose that was turning red from the cold. She laid back on the pillows.

I hesitated before hopping in bed beside her. Would she be comfortable in bed with me? I wont try anything funny.

"Covers?" I asked holding up the corner of the sheets.

She nodded smiling biting her lip like a small child. Her eyes danced. The pool house began to sparkle as the rain coated windows glistened in the moon illuminating to room, illuminating her…

She snuggled down in bed beside me. I was getting nervous in the silence. Was I supposed to say…, do something? My mind was reeling, but as I looked over I realized that her eyes were beginning to shut.

"Goodnight Ryan." She said as she turned to face me, looking at me almost expectantly.

"Goodnight Marissa." I said. I leaned in, I was going for it, I had my target and there was nothing that could stop me, so then I did it, … I kissed her forehead… God Atwood you are so dumb!

Marissa giggled.

"What?" I asked grinning back at her

"Nothing." She said quickly between giggles

"What!" I asked now raising myself in the bed grinning so much my cheeks hurt.

"Nothing!" She said again but this time with a toothy smile as I began to tickle her sides. She laughed hysterically as she flipped from one side of the bed to the other trying to rid herself of my grasp.

Suddenly the laughter stopped. I held Marissa, her hands pinned gently above her head. I stared at her eyes, and the anticipation I saw in her eyes is just what I had felt in my own. That was my go ahead… I leaned down capturing her lips in my own.

I lost track of time. We made out feverishly, needing to feel one another closer, closer, always closer. The howling of the wind and the cracking of the thunder were lost. Marissa moaned and it sent me over the edge as I discarded first my shirt, and then hers.

"Are you sure?" I asked as she looked up at me, waiting for me to make the next move.

Silently, biting her lip she nodded. I smiled as I leaned into a gentle kiss.

**And right then I took her.

* * *

**

**I had to do it. I don't know why. I just did. haha**

**Lemme kno what you think.**

**xoxo Jules**

**ps: Next chapter is mostly Summer and Seth chillage**


	27. Carry on 2

**Hey. I didnt hear from many people about the last chapter which was a surprise considering how it ended and all, really tho i want to know what you think. There may be about a week or so until the next episode seeing how i am working straight through the next two weeks coaching a camp. Anyhow PLEASE review.**

**xoxo Jules**

**

* * *

Chapter 27: "Carry on"**

**Summers POV: "But no respect for herself"**

Ever since Seth asked to talk to me before dinner I've been filled with this like totally irrational nervousness. I mean, I know it's nothing bad, really I do. I just can't help but wonder what if he's like "you're the worst person I know and I was playing you" or something. See, I told you, irrational. Right?

Lightning cracked again from outside my window. I couldn't sleep. I hated thunderstorms. They brought back so many memories. So many times that I just wish I could forget. But it seems though, with every crack of lightning and crash of thunder it all comes back to me.

I couldn't take it anymore. I thought about going into Alex's room, but she was so hopped up from the medications that they gave her since she broke her leg, and Ryan's all the way in the pool house which I would never walk to in the rain. That only left Seth.

I tip toed down the hallway. Why? I don't really know. When I got to his door I knocked softly. There was no answer. I knocked again, calling his name softly this time. Still nothing. I then tried the knob surprised to find that it was open. I stepped inside. Seth was sitting in bed awake holding some plastic horse.

"Hey sleepy head." He greeted me

"Hey." I said loosing my guts and wondering why I had even come in the first place.

"What's up?" He asked crossing his legs. I see only glimpses of him when the lightning struck.

"Nothing. I was just looking for the bathroom." I lied lamely

"That's not true. You knocked on the door as you called my name!" He said. I could tell by his voice that he was grinning.

"Oh well yeah. I really don't know why I'm here, so I am just going to go to my room now." I was so glad that it was dark so that he didn't see my face turn bright red.

I pivoted on my foot in the doorway when he called me.

"Hey, you can come in if you want. We can chat for awhile or something."

I didn't want to seem like I was leaping at his offer so I acted as though I contemplated it for a moment.

"Sure, why not." I entered his room, closing the door behind me.

I took a seat beside him against his head board.

"It's the first night that we've all slept alone since we got here." He said. I knew that that I wasn't the only one who was feeling it.

"Yeah, it's kind of weird." I involuntarily jumped when there was a loud crash of lightning.

Seth looked at me with a concerned expression.

"You alright?" He asked me.

"Yeah, I'm alright. I just hate storms." I pulled my knees to my chest.

Seth nodded.

"Is there any particular reason?" He asked looking over at me.

I tried not to drudge it up, but again memories came flooding through my mind. I don't know what possessed me to speak, but I did.

"It was storming like this the night that they took me away from my mom." I told him. "I was eleven, and she and I had just moved back to Chicago from Phoenix. We just got a new apartment a couple of weeks before. I guess people in the new place saw people coming in and out of the apartment a lot and got suspicious. They started asking questions. Looking at my mom there was no secret what she did for a living. So I guess a neighbor called the police one night."

Seths voice broke in.

"You don't have to keep on going if you don't want to." He assured me

"No, it's fine." I swore.

Maybe for the first time it was fine. I'm not the same girl anymore.

"The police came, my mom was in the living room with a John. There was smack on the kitchen counters and coke on the table. She was fucking him on the couch when they knocked. She like a high, drunken, fool answered the door ass naked leaving everything out. They tried to come in, my mom wouldn't let them. I guess the neighbors had told them that I was a woman and her daughter because I later learned that they were looking for me too. I was back in the room with a friend of my moms… I didn't want to be… he was ontop of me…"

My voice quivered…

"… inside of me. I couldn't stop crying, I was telling him that it hurt too bad. My mom had made me turn for three guys the night before and my body just couldn't handle anymore… I was so young… but he didn't care… the police pushed past my mother and her John ran… They opened the door to the room where I was, he hadn't even bothered to lock it… They grabbed him from on top of me and cuffed him. It all seemed like it was happening so fast."

I held back tears. Thinking about this all almost made me feel like a scared eleven year old girl again.

"Everything after that was a blur. Someone came in and wrapped me in a blanket. Sirens and police radios flooded together with the thunder. I got picked up and put into an ambulance. By that point I had passed out. When I woke up it was white, everything around me. I was in the hospital."

"I'm sorry Summer." Seth said genuinely.

"Don't be." I forced a small laugh.

"Was that when you went to Hartford House?"

"No. I was placed in foster care first. The family was really nice. They had two older daughters. They had wanted to adopt me, but my mom wouldn't give away her rights to me. Eventually the man, Rick, got a job transfer and they couldn't move me to another state. That's when they placed me with my second family. I guess they knew my situation so I guess the father knew how vulnerable I was. For two years until I was thirteen I think, he would come into my room every night. I was scared, but it was something to hold onto. And he was so nice to me… Then one night his wife caught us. She told me that I was a slut and a whore just like my mother. I believed it. That was when I was sent to Hartford House."

My eyes had just adjusted to the light. I could feel Seth's eyes burning into my own.

"You're an awesome girl Summer. People are pervs and jerks but it's really not your fault."

Few people had tried to tell me that over the years, but the ones that did I never really believed. With Seth for some reason it's different. He doesn't only say the words, but he acts like he really believes them.

"Really." He said

I just nodded with a small smile. He leaned over and kissed my cheek.

"Let's get some shuteye."

We laid back on the bed and he wrapped his arm around me. Such scrawny arms devoid of muscle, had never made me feel so protected.

**Ryans POV: "She finds love in all the wrong places"**

I woke up to the sound of construction going on in front of the house. Some things never change. Yawning I stretched. The sun was so bright out, especially after the night before. The night before. Marissa. Marissa?

I turned over to realize that I was in bed alone. Last night had been so perfect, like everything that had been building up since we ran was finally released. The world and all of it's problems came to a screeching halt. None of it mattered any longer. It was just us.

Then my mind began to race. When did she leave? Why did she leave? Did she regret this or even worse think that I took advantage of her? Maybe she just left because she didn't want Jimmy to wake up and find her gone. If she went home maybe I could catch her.

I quickly threw on a pair of jeans and a white tank top and headed out the door. The hot pavement burnt my bare feet, but I didn't care. I had to make sure that everything was okay. The last thing that I want her to believe is that it's all about sex. I'm not that guy.

I knocked on Jimmy's door. I had to wait a few minutes before Jimmy finally opened it. He was on the phone.

"One second Dr. Lewis, I know-"

I guess the person on the other line said something because Jimmy's face turned to a scowl.

"Today at three? PM? Isn't that a little soon?"

He waved me into the house.

"Okay, I'll see you then." He hung up and the turned to me. "Hey Ryan, what's up?"

I shifted from foot to foot. The house other than Jimmy seemed empty.

"I was wondering if Marissa was around?" I asked hopefully.

"Actually she Rhett, Caitlin, and Sophie went shopping for back to school clothes. They shouldn't be back for awhile considering that Caitlin has my credit card and is hell bent on not only dressing herself but Marissa as well." Jimmy smiled a weak smile. I could tell that he was thinking about something.

"Alright, I'll try back later." I said about to turn

"We have someone coming over around three actually to work out some stuff with Marissa."

"We'll I'll try to make it before. It'll be quick." I added

Jimmy just smiled and nodded again.

"See you Ryan."

"Thanks."

I remember what Marissa had told me about Jimmy wanting to put her in a detox program before we were to start school. Maybe this was just a meeting, but if it wasn't, if they are going to take her away today I need to talk to her. She needs to know that I care about her. A lot.

After I finish my placement test I will talk to her. It will be alright. It has to be.

**It wasn't a hit and run.

* * *

**

What do you guys think?

btw: I will probably be releasing a Marissa Volchuk story sometime soon. I know that he "killed her" or whatever, but they are both extremely dynamic characters that i would like to experiment with. When i type i never have anything planned it just comes out, so we'll see how that one goes.

Please review! Thanks much!

xoxo Jules

* * *


	28. as if nothing really matters

**Oh this is a new chapter, which you can see... so um, read and review!**

**xoxo Jules**

**

* * *

Chapter 28: "as if nothing really matters-"**

**Marissas POV: "The same situations"**

I snuck back into Jimmy's house late last night… alright, so it was more like early this morning but who's paying that close attention anyway? Exactly. So I get in about three hours of sleep before Caitlin is practically dragging me out of the bed. I didn't know that people went shopping that early. She very excitedly explained to me how if we got there the earliest and bought things first then she wouldn't have to worry about all of her friends getting the same stuff and having to return it. Even Rhett was up and ready and dressed. It took me all of my strength to get up, but then again nobody knew, or could know that I had been out all night.

Everything with Ryan hadn't been what I had expected it to be, not like it was bad or anything because it was actually good, really, really good. I just wasn't expecting it to happen. I mean it was cool and all but it was also kind of scary. Sure, I mean I've been with a decent amount of guys but I don't think that I have legitimately had feelings for any of them. With Ryan it was different, almost more intense I guess? I wasn't drunk, or high like usual. I don't know, it was just all so different.

"Oh my god this top is SO cute!" Caitlin squealed holding up a red halter to my chest. "Oh my god Marissa red is TOTALLY your color. Oh my god this is SO fun!"

Honestly Caitlin had a grin on her face comparable to the Cheshire cat. It kind of made me grin. We already, after only having been here an hour, made two trips to the car to drop off bags. Rhett got tired of toting everything around for us. I carried Sophie on my back who had become tired and was lagging behind too far.

"Don't I have enough stuff already?" I am pretty sure that we had dropped about 6 bags off at the car that were solely mine.

"You can NEVER have enough!" Caitlin informed me. Although I begged to differ I thought it wise to keep my mouth shut.

Rhett looked at me and rolled his eyes a bit grinning as he shrugged.

**Ryans POV: "Just Different Faces"**

I stared down at the test, I knew all of the answers, it wasn't hard at all, it just took a lot of time. Dr. Kim glared at me. I think that she noticed that I had been glancing back up at the clock for the past two hours.

I had three essays left and the clock said 2:40. There was no way that I was going to make it to the Coopers by three. Neither Seth or Summer were nearly a fraction as close to finishing as I was. There was no way that I could let Marissa get taken away from me without telling her how I feel. At the same time I cant run out on this test. The Cohens are doing a lot to get me into this school and they gave me a home and have been taking care of all of us.

Maybe someone is just coming over to talk with them. Maybe Marissa won't be taken away. She has been doing better for awhile. I don't think she's used at all in the past week or so. That's good right?

No. I need to stop fooling myself.

**Jimmy's POV: "Picked up her pace"**

This is one of the hardest things that I've ever had to do. Have an intervention for one of my own children that has slipped through the cracks. I will never forgive myself for the life that Marissa had to suffer with her mother. I was right there, I saw her, but I walked away. I feel like this is something that I know that I need to do. She needs help, hopefully she won't resent me for it forever.

"So you remember how this is going work?" The counselor, Dr. Abbey asked me.

"Yeah yeah." I said as I nodded a couple of times.

It was right then, before I could process another thought that my three, no four children barged through the door with several bags in hand. Even Sophie.

"Caitlin, there was just no need to spend 76 dollars on underwear!" Rhett said as they entered the foyer.

"What does it even matter to you, its not like you're going to see it anyway!" Caitlin argued back

Sophie ran through the door and hopped on my lap. I picked up my youngest daughter.

"Hey kids." Jimmy said

They all got quiet and turned to face me when they realized that I had company. I was glad that they did this before they made anymore of a scene.

"Hey dad." Rhetts said with a nervous smile

"Hi daddy!" Caitlin waved a newly manicured hand at me.

Marissa just stood in place and smiled. I took a deep breath trying to gather up all of my courage.

"Rhett, Caitlin, do you mind taking Sophie upstairs with you for awhile?" I asked

Caitlin who knew better at this point than to object nodded her head and followed her brother upstairs grabbing Sophie's hand.

"Come on Soph, let's try on your new clothes." She said with a wide grin as they headed upstairs.

It took all of my strength to turn to my daughter who was still standing utterly confused in the doorway, her rare smile faded.

"How about you come over here and sit with your father and I?" Dr. Abbey suggested to my eldest daughter.

Marissa looked over at me with an expression that I couldn't read as she carefully entered the living room and sat across from the both of us on the couch. Marissa bit her bottom lip as Dr. Abbey began to speak.

"Hi Marissa. My name is Dr. Abbey, I'm from the Newport Beach Rehabilitation Facility." The man smiled gently at her.

Marissa received the man with distant eyes, like she was no longer in her body. She sat with her arms crossed over her chest as her eyes began to well up. Because of Marissa's non-responsiveness Dr. Abbey continued.

"Your father called us because he thinks that you are a bright girl Marissa. He wants you to get on your feet so you will be all set to attend school in the fall. Our facility has an extremely high success rate. We have never had to see a patient more than once. It is a pretty extensive program but both your father and I feel that you have a real shot."

This was so hard for me to hear. The last thing that I wanted Marissa to think was that I was abandoning her again. I wouldn't do that.

"So we were planning on having you enter our facility, tonight actually." Dr. Abbey leaned forward as he spoke to her. "We want to help you Marissa. Now you can come with me now or we can have Jimmy bring you himself."

It was then that Marissa made her first movement since she sat. She looked at me with pleading eyes.

"I'll take her." I offered up quickly.

"Alright." Dr. Abbey said rising to his feet as he shook my head. "We'll get her room ready, see you in twenty minutes?" He asked me, I just nodded in response.

He smiled at Marissa before making his way out of the door. I looked at Marissa who looked like she was trying with every fiber of her being to hold back tears.

"Marissa, I love you honey, I just want you to get better."

She just nodded as she bit her bottom lip as she absentmindedly began rubbing old scars and bruises on her wrists. I had wondered about those, she hadn't done them herself. As if she read my mind she began to speak.

"I had house arrest bracelets at Hartford House." She explained "When I got too out of control they would strap me to a bed… or when I had seizures from withdrawal. They tried to keep me to myself because they didn't know what to do with me. I ran away because they were sending me to an institution." She began to sob.

I should have been there to protect my daughter. This entire situation could have been prevented. I have made many mistakes in my life but none have, nor will they ever impact me like Marissa has. In a few short weeks she has changed my life.

"Honey, it's not an institution. You'll be home before you know it and you'll start school with your friends and everything will be fine."

Marissa looked up, her eyes meeting mine.

"You promise?"

That question really surprised me, she trusts me…

"I promise."

And right then something happened, something that I would have never expected. Marissa flew into my arms and hugged me, she clung to my body. I hugged my daughter, all bones, and honestly believed that it was going to be alright.

**She needed me now to be there the way that I never was in the past.**

**Ryans POV: "Since her daddy left her"**

As soon as we made it home I jumped out of the car I ran to Marissas drive just in time to see Jimmy's car driving away with Marissa in the passengers seat. **I had missed her…**

* * *

**Which means it will be a matter of weeks/chapters until they are reunited, but its what they need. What'd ya think? Do you want to see Marissa at rehab? The next chapter is Summer btw.**

**xoxo Jules**

**REVIEW!**


	29. Too Late

**Sorry for the delay on this chapter. My computer has a virus and i am actually about to run a system recovery so all of my information will get erased. I have been spending this time backing up what i can, namely this story. This has happened before.**

**xoxo Jules**

**Lemme kno what you think!**

**

* * *

Chapter 29: "Too Late"**

**Summers POV: "Too bad he never told her"**

"What's up with Ryan?" Alex asked me as I rested beside her against her pillow. Thankfully her cast was due to come off in a matter of weeks, a fact for which she was more than grateful.

"I donno, I think that something must have happened with Marissa. Jimmy was over here earlier and I overheard him telling Kirsten how she was going to a rehab center for the two weeks before school."

I felt so bad. Marissa and I were friends. Since we left the Hartford House I was there for her and she was there for me. I just hope that now, when things get settled that is, our lives don't head in two different directions.

"Oh Harbor." Alex muttered.

"What about it?" I asked nervous at the prospect of going to a normal school.

"Nothing, you'll see." Alex smirked

"Whadda ya mean?" I asked again

"All that I mean is this year at least we all have each other."

Alex glanced out of the window where moving trucks were pulling up to the house right next to the Coopers.

"What's going on over there?" She asked me

"It looks like someones moving in." I said in a no duh tone.

"Weird, that house has been empty for years." She stated simply

"Why?"

"Well apparently there is some conspiracy theory cause like 10 families ago this plastic surgeon died when he slipped down the steps after catching his wife with the gardener. Apparently every woman that has moved in since has had some "horrific", botched plastic surgery experience." Alex said with a chuckle at the end. "Maybe this one will just stick to botox."

I grinned at her. I had been keeping Alex company like this talking about nonsense everyday since she broke her leg.

Right then there was a knock on the outside of Alex's bedroom door. Alex and I both gave each other questioning glances. We hadn't expected anyone seeing how Sandy and Kirsten were both at work and Seth, Ryan, and Luke had headed to the beach.

"Come in." Alex groaned.

The door creaked open and in stepped a man that I didn't recognize. He was tall tan and built. He had curly golden locks that hung around his face and a killer white smile.

I couldn't read the expression on Alex's face when the guy entered the room.

"Um, can I help you?" I stuttered looking between the guy and Alex wondering what the hell was going on.

"I donno." The guy slurred out as I felt him eye me up and down. "Can you?" He finished.

"Wh- what are you doing here?" Alex asked staring holes into the boy.

"Well nice of you to ask. I just moved back to Newport, two doors down actually." He shot her a toothy smile.

"Well nice of you to stop by." Alex said flashing a sarcastic smile.

"Yeah." He gave a mischievous grin. "Nice to see you again." He gave Alex a little wink as he turned to leave. "See you at school."

As soon as he was gone Alex let out the breath that she had been holding in ever since he entered the room.

"Who was that?" I turned and asked Alex utterly confused.

"That was him…" Alex half answered.

And then it all came flooding back to me. Him… Gabe…

"_I was never able to bring myself to break up with Gabe which I regret, but luckily for me he moved with his family. In my mind I know without a doubt that if he had stayed the same thing would have happened all over again. _

_People say that the past is the greatest indicator of future behavior, especially when the person doesn't learn their lesson. I let Gabe get what he wanted up to the farewell fuck and a couple on visits after that. And then as quick as night turns to day he was gone for good and I was left to pick up the pieces alone…well there was Luke."_

I remember the story loud and clear. He had taken control of her long ago, … I wonder if he still has that hold.

"Gabe…" I said showing Alex that I understood. She stared absently out the window as her eyes brimmed with tears.Suddenly her head snapped toward me.

"You can't tell Luke!" She said, her voice anxious

"What? Alex, Luke should know, maybe he could help!" I weakly attempted to convince her

"No, he would just worry!" Alex said firmly

"What if they run into each other at school?"

"Harbor's a big place, they will probably never see each other and if they do I'll figure it out then." Alex said shaking her head adamantly "You've got to tell me, promise me, that you will not say anything!"

I sighed. I didn't think that she was in any position to battle.

"Alright, I promise." I gave her a weak smile, well what I thought was a weak smile until I saw the weaker one that Alex returned.

"Thanks."

And then again her eyes drifted out of the window.

**Marissas POV: "She deserved much better"**

"Marissa… Marissa… MARISSA!"

My head snapped to attention as I heard somebody call my name. I don't know how long I was spaced out but I bet it was a considerable amount of time considering that there was a doctor standing inches from my face shining a flash light in my eyes. I could feel my pupils shrink as I sunk back into reality. Startled I felt my body hit my chair like those dreams where you are falling and then finally hit the bed.

I bit my lip nervously when I saw the look she was giving me. Dr. Carroll had been personally assigned to me when I was checked in. She was required to stay with me at all times, monitor me while I ate, etcetera. There is also a nurse that comes in during the night to watch me while I sleep. Something about seizures and night terrors and stuff that people always go through during withdraw.

"Oh… sorry…" I stuttered looking down at my hands

"What were you thinking about?" Dr Carroll asked me.

Honestly I didn't know, it was like my head had floated off into space or something.

"I wasn't thinking about anything." I said as I briefly met her eyes letting her know that I was serious.

She nodded at me smiling.

"So," She said as she pulled out her clipboard. "Let's get down to business then!"

I gave her a nervous smile as I stared again at my hands and shifted nervously in the white scrubs that they had given me to wear.

"How long have you been using?"

Hum… How do you answer that question? I was always around it.

"Marissa." Dr. Carroll again said snapping me out of my reverie.

"Um…" I began biting my lips "My mom used stuff when she was pregnant with me so I don't… well I guess that I don't really know what counts or whatever…" I confessed.

She nodded and wrote something down. I always hated that, how they critique you.

"Do you know what she used?" Dr. Carroll again made eye contact with me.

"Um, I don't really know, I think just mostly pot, maybe a little bit of coke. The hard stuff really started after I was born." I chewed even harder at my lip.

"So what is your drug of choice?"

My head snapped up. Nobody had ever asked me my drug of choice before…

"Um… I donno… coke I guess…" I subconsciously scratched my nose.

"Did you use things other than that?"

"I would probably smoke more than anything." I confessed again

"Cigarettes?" Dr. Carroll asked me.

"Pot." I said without thinking. "I smoked pot, cigarettes too… I tried 'shrooms, I messed with acid for a minute, I popped some E, … I used smack a time or two but I'm not the biggest fan of needles and it reminds me of my mother. I did coke a lot." I had never been so honest about the things that I had done. It was just so easy to downplay it all, excuse it as nothing.

"And this is all … recent?" Dr. Carroll looked surprised.

"Yeah, pretty much…"

I was waiting for her to say that there was something wrong with me. Tell me that I was going to have to be a permanent inpatient or that there was no hope for me. I was waiting for her to tell me something, anything… but all that she did was take another note.

"How do you feel about your father?" She asked seeming out of nowhere.

Jimmy, that was a weird topic, our relationship wasn't exactly normal.

"He's alright." I said simply

"Just alright?"

"I don't know, I mean he's pretty cool I guess. I don't know him too well but everyone who does seems to think that he's alright." I smiled a little bit at the thought of Jimmy. He seemed to be a great guy but it was like somewhere deep inside I had this irrational fear that he will leave me. Maybe one day he'll just decide that I'm too much to deal with, or I'm a bad influence on his other kids and just toss me to the side.

She nodded and smiled at me again. I just sat on the hospital bed with my legs crossed staring out the window. I had a great view of the ocean. The sun sparkled off of it as the boats headed out to sea.

"He's a good guy… I want to get better."

It seems like the words floated from nowhere, but maybe it was time to let go of all of this. There was no use to holding on to this pain in a life that knows nothing about the old one. I used to dream that I would be able to get out of all of this but I never really actually thought that I would. **Now that I am away from all of that insanity I have to start over… Now it's just a matter of figuring out how.

* * *

Setting the stage for the future chapters.**

What will happen when Luke finds out that Gabe is back?

Where is Marissa the first day of school?

Will Seth and Summr become official!

Will Ryan finally get to talk to Marissa?

KEEP READING! (and reviews are stellar please)


	30. My time has come

**New chapter obviously. As always let me know what you think! I am going to be away for about 5 days so I am going to try to get more up around saturday or sunday. I already have the next chapter written, i just need to remember to post it so if it gets awhile remind me. I really like that chapter.**

**xoxo Jules**

**review!

* * *

**

Chapter 30: "My time has come"

**Ryans POV: "Johnny boy always played the fool" **

Where is she? I don't see her. She should be here right? I mean, it's the first day of school, she's like SUPPOSED to be here! I thought that she would be easy to spot but nobody told me that Harbor Academy was full of so many girls on the border line of 6 feet with dirty blonde hair. My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest.

"Ryan," I heard a faint voice call from behind me, "Ryan HELLO"

Marissa? Of course not. My luck would never be that good. I turned to see Summer's bite sized hand waving in my face. Alex, Luke, and Seth all stood behind us looking concerned.

"Oh," I looked around again real quick. "what?"

Summer sighed at me, knowingly.

"She'll be here. If not today then tomorrow." She gave me a half smile "She's getting the help that she needs."

It was true. Marissa was getting help, getting clean, maybe this time away would be a good thing. Maybe she'll be okay when she comes home and we won't have to guess around about what's going with us. The dark circles under her eyes could be gone, and her features may not be as tragic. Maybe for once her eyes could smile with the curves of her mouth. But her freckles, those would stay.

"Yeah, you're right." I said nodding.

Just get better soon. Suddenly Alex broke the somber silence.

"What're you goons standing around here for! Come on, let's get this year started so we can get it over with." She grinned at us, her eyes twinkled.

A hand, Lukes, reached over my shoulder and yanked my schedule from my hand. He quickly scanned over my classes.

"Tough load Atwood, Calc AP in the morning." He tossed the schedule towards me

"Aw… me too." Seth groaned looking at his schedule.

Everyone laughed at Seth again.

"Oh yeah," He said grabbing Lukes schedule "what do you have first period?"

"Weight training!" Luke said snatching the paper back from Seth

Alex groaned as she slammed her tiny body into Lukes side.

"Typical jock schedule." She teased him.

So this was school. It didn't seem so bad. I had my friends which were, as I can tell, as much outsiders as myself. Here there is no way that students had guns, expensive party drugs sure, but not guns. I bet, unlike my other school there are enough books that six people don't have to crowd together under a window either because there are also no lights… I just wish Marissa were here.

**Marissa's POV: "He broke all the rules "**

"**Cocaine users often go days without eating and if this behavior is continued it can lead to addiction"**

_I'm kinda worried. She hasn't had a fix in nearly a week, she's not looking too good. Sometimes people die going through withdrawal. If Marissa doesn't get into a detox center it will happen to her._

_Her skin had lost all of it's color, mind the freckles, and her hands were pale and shaky. Her skin was clammy with perspiration._

"_You don't look too good." I said feeling her head._

_She was burning up… It looked like it took all of her strength to stay upright on the bench while her hands trembled. She had dark circles under her eyes._

"**Cocaine will intensify the user's high and may cause violent and erratic behavior on the part of the user."**

"_Where are you going?" I asked chasing after her as panic raced through my body. I grabbed for her arm. She yanked it away from me with all the force of a sumo wrestler. I stepped back in shock wondering where all of the energy was coming from. Marissa was running on pure adrenaline. Her eyes became dark and glared into mine like a wild bull that was ready to attack. _

_I eased towards her backing her up against the side of the house. She poised herself to charge at me. _

"**Seizures"**

_Marissa was no longer making noises but she was flipping around violently on the bed._

"**Other physical symptoms include convulsions, nausea, blurred vision, chest pain, fever, muscle spasms, and coma"**

_As suddenly as it began Marissa became still... her body was drenched in sweat as she relaxed back in her bed. A large gasp escaped her body. _

"**Other long-term cocaine effects include: **

**Addiction  
Paranoia  
Irritability  
Restlessness  
Auditory hallucinations  
Mood disturbances"**

I feel stripped, empty. It's like I have to start all over again from this drug induced world that I created for myself, or more distracted myself from.

"You alright kid?" I heard a soft voice say from beside me.

I tried to move my mouth but I was too weak. I had been in bedridden for over a week and a half with withdrawal. When Jimmy led me to the bathroom this morning I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I didn't recognize the ghostly pale girl staring back at me with the circles around her eyes and the invisible body.

Withdrawal had taken a toll on my body, more than anyone thought that it would. It probably had something to do with the fact that since I was conceived there was probably always something in my system. Sure they had some kind of pills that they forced down my throat five times a day to supplement what my body still really needed.

Jimmy had been there everyday. Sometimes I would wake up in the middle of the night and he was sleeping in the chair beside my bed as the night nurse stared holes into me. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's pretty much hell being here but I know that if I weren't there's a pretty good chance that I would be lying dead somewhere after an overdose.

So many times I thought about running away from the Cohen's just to get a fix. I don't know what stopped me, not that I'm complaining. Jimmy stroked my hair before. Nobody ever did that to me. I never needed to be comforted. After years of what I ha suffered with my mother I had just become so hard.

Sometimes when Jimmy is talking to me I imagine that I'm a little girl again and he's there, where he should be beside my bed comforting me as I fought sleep and my mom shot up in the background. It didn't matter though, she didn't matter. I was a little girl with her daddy and that was enough… until I snapped back into reality.

"It wont be much longer kiddo." He said again smiling warmly at me.

It was then that the doctor came in and smiled at my father and I, I mean Jimmy and I.

"Hi, how are you guys doing?" Dr. Carroll asked as she glanced between my father and I.

"Good." Jimmy turned around to smile at her in the doorway. I just nodded.

"That's good to hear." She said before turning to my father. "Do you mind if I talk to Marissa alone for a bit?"

Jimmy immediately flew to his feet.

"Yeah no problem." Then he leaned down and kissed my forehead. "I'll be right outside the door kiddo."

Dr. Carroll came and sat beside my bed. It took all of my strength to scoot upward to sit up.

"You're making very good progress Marissa." She smiled sweetly at me. That was really the last thing that I expected her to say. "How are you feeling?"

"I feel like shit." I blurted out. My voice came out in a croak. It was like my throat was habitually dry.

She smiled again at me.

"What do you think about going home sometime soon?" She proposed, once again to my surprise.

Getting out of this hospital would be amazing, but when I went home, to Jimmy's, I didn't want to fuck everything up.

"You think I'm ready?" I asked in a small voice.

"I think that you will be if you start trusting yourself."

I myself am not convinced that I myself am a very trustworthy…but I guess that's what she's saying the problem is.

"You're in a completely different environment Marissa. Sure the temptation will be there, it will always be, but it's not the same. You'll do fine Marissa."

I sighed

"If you think so."

"Now don't get me wrong, everything is no great yet. We will still supervise you at home. We actually have live in drug counselors that stay a minimum of a month. I think that that is a necessary step in this case. I have already talked with your father about all of this and he is okay with it all so long as you're comfortable."

Home. I couldn't wait to see my friends again. We never meant to get as close as we are. We were thrown together that day at Hartford House when I was dragged in kicking and screaming.

"That's sounds good."

All of my other friends had gotten better. Summer got confidence, Seth got family, Ryan got stability, … now I have to get clean and stay that way.

"I think it will be in your best interest for at least the next two weeks to have your school work sent to your home. You're still too weak to walk around and stand and sit for too long. This entire ordeal has put your body through a lot.."

I knew just what she meant. When I tried to stand it was like my legs were jelly, and one minute I would be hot and then the next I would be soaked in a cold sweat. My skin was ghostly pale. The tan that the California sun had given me is now a thing of the past.

"Yeah." I wanted to let her know that I was still listening. "So when do I get home?"

Later that same evening Jimmy drove me home. It was a forty minute drive and silent the entire way. The sun had set hours before and now the only cars on the road were the business men coming home from late nights at the office and men taking their teenage daughters home from rehab.

Jimmy helped me up into my bedroom where I laid awake. The like in counselor would come bright and early tomorrow morning which meant that I would be under constant eye. If I wanted to see Ryan this could be my last good chance.

I tried to raise myself from my bed, I failed. I tried again and again until I finally got a good grip of my bed post and positioned myself to my feet. I quietly crumbled to the ground.

Pushing open one of the double doors leading to the balcony of my room I scooted myself over to the stairs. It was then that I heard a voice behind me.

"Woah, woah!" It said in a hushed tone.

I turned around from where I cowered on the ground to see Rhett standing over me.

"Are you crazy!" He asked as he leaned down to help me up. "Come on!" He said as he wrapped of my arms around his shoulders and the supported the rest of me with an arm wrapped around my waist. I couldn't help but lean against him or I would fall. He led me back to bed.

I blushed as he looked at me.

"What are you doing crazy woman?" He asked playfully.

"I um…. Wanted to get some air?" I lied.

He smirked

"Right, so that window over there that's wide open isn't enough?"

I sighed, Rhett was a cool kid. He wouldn't rat me out. Besides, Jimmy never said that I couldn't see Ryan.

"I was going to see Ryan…" I finally breathed out.

"So what's up with you two anyway?" Rhett asked sitting on the foot of my bed.

"Nothing, we're just friends right I guess."

He nodded. I knew that he knew that there was more than that.

"I'll be right back." He said as he raised to his feet. "Stay put!" He ordered

I wondered what he was doing.

**Rhetts POV: "So you would think he was cool" **

Yanno sometimes I don't know why I do the things that I do honestly. I turned to make sure that Marissa wasn't looking as I slipped down the stairs and over the gate into the yard next to ours.

I saw a light on in the pool house. He was sitting there with his head in his hands, Summer, Alex, Seth, and Luke lounged in the room as well.

"Shit!" I screamed as I got caught in the bushes.

I yanked the thorns breaking into my legs as I ripped forward tearing my jeans and landing head first onto the pavement. He must have heard everything, or seen it I don't really know, cause in a minute I was being pulled from the ground.

"You alright man?" I asked to see Seth Cohen standing above me.

"I'm fine." I said as I grabbed onto his outstretched hand and he pulled me up.

"What you doing over on this side of the wall?" He asked

"Um, I was… well I was actually looking for you guys." I said as I brushed off my hands. "Marissa got home today. She wants to see you guys."

I glanced into the pool house where everyone was hanging out. Luke Ward was there, Captin of the football team, all together Harbor High icon, **and subject of my every masturbatory fantasy. **But that I keep to myself.

* * *

**I 3 Rhett. I am planning on having him and Marissa get uber close or something like that. Anyhow, that was that. **

**The next chapter is basically the girls which is as nice change and the mention/emergence of old focal characters from this season although never mentioned in this story. Also a secret that both Marissa and Alex share that could bring them closer together.**

**READ ON AND REVIEW!**

**xoxo Jules**


	31. Sends shivers down my spine

**So, I remembered much to my own surprise even to post this chapter before I go on vacay. Anyhow, its kinda different, a little off. Proof that things may not be just as good as they appear, ... but i'll just let you read.**

**xoxo Jules**

**Chapter 3****1: "Sends shivers down my spine-"**

**Summers POV: "So you would think he was cool" **

Who was it that said don't fear death, rather the unlived life… I don't really remember, I think that it was in a walk to remember or something like that. It's all good either way. It's true though. We are all starting over, Ryan, Seth, and I. Even Alex. I don't know about Luke because he's always just Luke but him too probably.

I laid next to Marissa on the bed. Alex was on the other side of her. We finally got that damn 24 hour drug counselor to take a forty-five minute break. There wasn't supposed to be a time in the week that Marissa was home that she was unsupervised. I wondered if that included using the bathroom but I didn't ask.

Marissa was still more tired than she should be and her skin was still a ghostly white. I had taken the liberty of painting her fingernails earlier today. Seth, Luke, and Ryan were down at the beach. It seemed like life before we could pry Ryan from Marissa's side, but Alex and I firmly insisted that girl time could cure anything. I mean maybe not cure granted that we are dealing with years of depression, self mutilation, and drug abuse, but maybe it could soften the blow of life.

Alex leaned back against the pillow beside Marissa.

"So what's up with you and Ryan?" Alex asked with a twinkle in her eye.

"What do you mean?" Marissa looked out of the window with a small smile on her lips

"Oh please don't play dumb Coop. Besides both Alex and I are better at it than you. Alex is blonde and I am a reformed… well lets just say I'm reformed."

I really have to get out of the habit of calling myself a slut. Kirsten had been shoving self-help books down my throat since school started.

"Yeah, we see those looks that you slip at each other and how Ryan looks like he has a pair of rolled up socks in his pants whenever you come around." Alex grinned. It was all true

Marissa grinned.

"Are you trying to tell me that me lying here, lifeless looking, makes Ryan all hot and bothered?" She rolled her eyes at Alex's insinuation.

"Nah, that'd be gross. Before the whole rehab, detox thingy." She flicked a Cheeto at Marissa's head. Marissa tossed it back at Alex who, in true Alex form, caught it in her mouth.

I decided to stop beating around the bush.

"So did you guys do it?" I asked turned to Marissa pointedly.

"What?" She asked as her cheeks began to turn red.

"SEX dumbass, yanno what is commonly referred to as bang bang skeet!" I said hoping that she would finally give in. Alex almost fell of the bed in hysterics at the "bang bang skeet" reference.

"It was hardly bang bang skeet Sum." Marissa said still visibly embarrassed.

"HA! We knew it!" Alex exclaimed. "When did it happen?"

Marissa sighed.

"It was the night before I went away during that thunderstorm, yanno? It just kinda happened!" She smiled again

Alex nodded satisfied.

"Hot." She said as an afterthought.

"But you guys, please keep this between us. I haven't told anyone else!" She begged.

"Well who else would you have told?" I pointed out.

"There was this really odd girl in detox Hillarie and she was really great to pour your heart out to 'cause she had really good advice but she was so strung out that she couldn't remember what you told her, never mind what she said." Marissa grinned a bit.

Alex nodded her head again.

"Well I'm just glad that at least everyone's getting some." She smiled as she popped another Cheeto into her mouth.

Everyone else was getting some!

"Excuse you!" I almost screamed. Both Alex and Marissa's eyes snapped toward me. "Heh…" I said a little embarrassed.

"You and Seth aren't?" Alex asked.

"NO!" I said in a no duh tone

"I see you guys coming out of each others rooms all of the time, … I just figured-"

"I am not sleeping with Cohen!" I said sternly

"Would you?" Marissa asked wiggling her eyebrows.

Did Marissa just ask that? I miss old strung out Marissa that would just sit there playing with something shiny or digging holes in the ground with sticks. The old Marissa didn't ask questions or make points.

"I don't know!" I tried to act like they were invading my privacy but they both knew better than that.

"Why not?" Alex asked

Hum… I don't know. Why haven't I done the deed with Cohen? We're not officially going out or anything, … or are we? WAIT, when has that ever stopped me! Shit! I REALLY don't get this life. Having sex would be… nice, … I mean I guess. He's just so, … I donno, Cohen. Does he even know how?

Maybe I didn't because for the first time ever he didn't just expect it from me… With him sex didn't matter. I don't want to fuck up what I have with him, haha, no pun intended.

I shrugged.

"I don't know. I guess with every other guy it was just about sex. With Seth it's different." I nodded definitely.

Alex shrugged.

"I know what you mean, with Gabe that was all that it was. He ruined men for me."

"Gabe?" Marissa asked

Alex and I rolled our eyes at one another.

"You missed the story." Alex began

"I think you were passed out on my lap." I informed

Marissa just nodded her head like "surprise, surprise".

"So what's the story with this guy?" Marissa asked.

I looked over at Alex whose demeanor had completely changed. Now she wore a worried and slightly frustrated look.

"I dated him until I was like 16. He got me to do whatever he wanted. He basically controlled my life. Eventually he knocked me up, made me get rid of it, and then he moved away. Now he's back." Marissa looked at Alex in shock.

"Does Luke know?" Marissa asked

Wow, is girl was quick when she is conscious.

"No, and he can't. Gabe detested Luke, and Luke him. The abortion issue was Luke's last s straw." Alex's face became distant.

"Did he not want you to get it?" Marissa pressed.

Alex shook her head "no".

"Luke knows me. He knew that I believed that what I did was wrong, which I eventually did."

Marissa nodded.

"Yeah, I get it." She said.

Both Alex and I turned to look at her questioningly. She shrugged.

"It was actually earlier this year," she began. "I didn't even know that I was-, yanno, until I had to get taken into the hospital when I overdosed. I almost died, they took it. It wouldn't have made it." She bit her bottom lip.

"Whose was it?" I asked in shock. How had I not known this? Marissa and I had been roomies at that time. I mean sure we never talked but I knew everything and I mean everything!

"Believe it or not I had a boyfriend at the time… His name was Kevin. His friends called him Volchok though."

Marissa said suddenly lost in though, which was again another stretch for her. The whole thinking hard thing. Sure she'd concentrate sometimes but it'd be on like, I donno, trying to figure out how many Ryans were ACTUALLY standing in front of her or something. Usually she settled on three. Three was actually the amount of hours it took us one night to convince her that Ryan wasn't triplets.

Alex huffed.

"What a hostile name." She commented. "Where's he now?"

Marissa shrugged.

"Back in Chicago I assume. But Summer, you and Seth just need to get together. Not in the sack kind of way."

I smiled. Seth was such a good guy, and he and I were both doing so well separately. I just need to know if anything happens for real we won't bring each other down.

"We're working on it." I said smiling at my two friends. It was weird. For the first time in my life I have actual friends.

Marissa frowned slightly.

"Sorry to be a downer but I have to go to the bathroom." She furrowed her brow.

"Do you need any help?" Alex asked jumping to her feet, well more like foot. She still had a brace on her bad one.

"Nah. I got it." Marissa said determined to do it on her own.

She pulled the covers from over her legs. Alex and I tried not to connect eyes after what we saw. Her legs stuck off of her body like spokes on a wheel. They were blue and vainy from lack of circulation. She blushed, she knew that we were looking.

"The beauty of getting clean right?" She tried to joke

"Nonsense." I tried to assure her. "You look good Coop. You're eyes only go in one direction at a time now and your sentences seem to be almost coherent." I half joked

She smiled at me as she used the post of the bed to pull herself up. Slowly she made it to the bathroom.

"Shit!" Alex yelled as she stubbed her good toe on the bedside table as she headed back over to the bed. It was then that the drawer slid out, inside was a bag of something that thanks to Marissa we all knew too well. Coke.

It didn't look like it had been opened. It wasn't going to be opened. **She probably forgot that she had it right?**

**PLEASE REVIEW! I havent been hearing what you think as much as usual, i mean, which is fine, i write because i love to do it haha, i just want to know what you think.**

**xoxo Jules**


	32. Body's aching all the time

**Hey guys! thank you for being so patient. I know for awhile that updates got rather regular again then I lagged a bit. Anyhow, I am back now hopefully I will update in a reasonable amount of time, but trust me it should never take more than a week. On top of a new job I have a raging course load. Anyhow thats all with my rambling. Please read and review as usual!**

**xoxo Jules**

**Chapter 32: "Body's aching all the time"**

**Summer's POV : No matter how hard he tried **

Life is a funny thing. I mean, one day you can go from being tossed around in the foster system to sleeping in a queen sized bed in a mansion in Newport Beach California. See, funny. School's been going alright. I actually like going to class. It's also cool being there with Seth and Ryan, Alex and Luke. It's almost like we have our own little group or something. Harbor has definitely given me my share of bottled blondes, especially since I spend most of my time in design classes. The girls just sit there text messaging or twirling their dried out ends. I really don't get why they are there in the first place. They're just going to grow up and marry old men with greasy hair and spend their days at cardio bar.

There was a light knock on the outside of the door.

"Come in!" I said turning away from my homework and turning in my desk chair

"Hey." A soft voice greeted me. It was Seth of course.

"Hey, what's up?" I smiled

I was getting used to his random visits. He would come into my room late at night with one obscene joke or another, or some new theory on life as a whole that he wanted my thoughts on.

"Well, you've been working uber hard on your homework, harder than anyone should actually." The words rambled off his tongue. I raised my eyebrow at him "My point, right."

He leaned out of the door and picked up a tray off the floor.

"Milk and cookies!" He smiled at me.

Something about Seth made me love him to pieces, especially the fact that he admittedly acts like a five year old and is totally cool with it.

"Yum." I said patting the spot on the bed next to me. He smiled as he bounded onto the bed beside me.

"So." He said leaning back on the bed crossing his legs. "How's life?"

I smiled again. I couldn't help it. Everything became so good when he was around.

"Great actually. I love this place."

"Yeah." He agreed.

"I think it's like the sun, and the ocean air." I continued.

"Nah, I thought it was the botox and the money." He joked with me. I, in return, elbowed him in the ribs. "OW!" He whined.

"Baby." I said stuffing an entire cookie into my mouth swallowing in one big gulp.

"Oh I'm the baby!" Seth said easing his way towards me

I screamed as he pounced ontop of me and began to tickle my sides furiously.

"Ah!" I screamed as he continued his torment. I laughed so hard that my sides hurt.

"You've got to beg for mercy!" He said as I twisted under him

"Mercy, mercy, mercy!"

He threw his hands up in the air.

"Fine. Oh yeah, and this day forever will be remember as the day that you Summer Roberts surrendered to me, Seth Ezekiel Cohen." He grinned a toothy grin down at me as I pouted… and then there it was, the silence.

Our faces we just inches from one anothers. I don't think that it is possible to count how many times we have been in this exact same position, but this time it was different. I don't know what came over me but I lunged toward Seth capturing his lips with my own. Luckily he more than reciprocated as he grabbed my waist and pulled me toward him. Kissing furiously I pulled his shirt from over his head, … he did the same to me leaving me in only my bra when the door swung open.

"WOW!" The person said

I looked up to see a wide eyed Alex in front of a wide eyed Luke.

"Way to go Cohen!" Luke said laughing

I could feel my whole body blush.

"I, ugh…" Alex stuttered "we'll give you a minute."

She and Luke hustled away down the hall.

"Oh my god!" I said as I covered my face with my shirt and fell backward on the bed.

"Hey you." Seth said lying beside me taking the shirt from my first.

"Yeah?" I said like a little girl turning over to him with a pouty face.

"I love you."

Nobody had ever said that to me before. Nobody ever uttered the words love. I mean they could love the things I do, but even in that sense it was only really used in bed…

"You wha-?" I asked quite not believing my ears.

"Summer Roberts," He said again. My heart skipped a beat. "I love you."

My mind was reeling. What am I supposed to make of that? Seth Cohen loves ME! Is that even possible. Do I love him back? Holy crap. This cant be happening!

"No, no!" I said shooting up from the bed pulling my shirt roughly back over my head.

"Summer!" He stood up, his eyes pleaded.

"You cant love me Seth!"

"WHY NOT!" He yelled

"I don't know why!" It was then that I began sobbing. I sunk down into the corner, Seth sank down right along with me. He pulled me close as I cried.

"I love you Summer." He said. I sobbed even harder. "You're just going to have to deal with that."

He meant it. I could tell. It took all the strength of every fiber of my being to utter those words…

"… I love you too."

**And that was it.**

**Ryans POV: Often thought of suicide **

It's been a week since Marissa returned home from rehab. The nurse is now only at her house for like four hours a day and is gone for good by six pm. I knocked on the Cooper's front door. I could hear the ruckus before it was even open. It made me smile.

"Coming!" I heard a voice say. Moments later the door swung open to reveal Rhett with Sophie under one arms. He had lipstick smeared on the sides of his lips and he was wearing a tiara.

"Hi!" Sophie said from under her older brothers arm. "Wanna play princess too?"

"I'm alright, thanks Soph." I smiled at the little girl. I could have imagined her being Marissa as a little girl, I mean had she had a happy childhood and all.

"Come on in man." Rhett back up from the door.

I laughed at the scene in front of me. Marissa and Caitlin were sitting on the couch with Chinese food spread on the coffee table watching the style channel. Jimmy was pacing back and forth on the phone with one client or another, and it appeared that Sophie had set up a magical palace in the corner.

"But do you see that? You totally cant wear green, read, and brown like that. I mean sure if there were black in it I guess that would be acceptable, but I mean, then I guess you would have to change the shoes. And don't even get me started on the hair, right Riss?"

Marissa looked at the girl wide eyed as Rhett grinned from behind them.

"Sure…" Marissa said turning back to the TV.

"Marissa, you've got a guest." Rhett said as we entered the living room.

She turned around on the couch.

"Hey!" She said her eyes dancing as she looked at me. She grinned a girlish smile.

"Hey."

"What's up?" She asked as Sophie bounded onto her lap and stuffed a piece of sesame chicken into her older sisters mouth. Marissa laughed as she chewed

"Move Soph, you're blocking my view!" Caitlin said pushing her sister off of the bed.

I chuckled to myself again. It is only appropriate that after all of this Marissa would find out that this, the Coopers, in all of their dysfunctional glory is her family.

"I was thinking that we go down to the pier, grab some dessert or something."

Marissa looks over at Jimmy for permission. He smiled and waved her off. Minutes later Marissa and I were climbing into Alex's jeep which she had so graciously allowed me to borrow.

We got to the pier minutes later just as the sun was setting. Marissa smiled as I opened the door for her. I love when she smiles, like really smiles. We walked around for about 15 minutes until Marissa began to slow down.

"Need to sit?" I asked her

She just nodded silently. Luckily for us there was a bench feet away.

"How are you feeling?" I asked once we finally got situated.

She shrugged.

"Alright I guess. Still a little tired but Jimmy said that I can go to school the week after next so that could be cool right?" She gave me a small smile

"Yeah. I wouldn't have to play fifth wheel then." I winked at her

She grinned childishly at me. A grin that I could really get used to seeing.

"What if you become the 7th wheel?" She teased

"How could that happen?" I asked her

Truthfully the idea of Marissa with another man makes me sick.

"I donno, what if there is some really hot water polo player with a sexy shaved chest and chiseled body and rock hard abs who is totally dreamy!" She joked with me

"Well first off it seems like god would have invested more time in making his body so he would have a brain the size of a pea." I first pointed out. "Besides, I don't think that there's anyone there good enough for you."

I know I'm cheesy or whatever. But this time it is actually true.

"Right." She said rolling her eyes. That was when I heard a voice coming from behind us.

"Babe!" The voice said.

Marissa and I turned at the same time to see a guy in a grunge shirt and zip-up hoodie. He had a short buzz cut and a stern but amused expression on his face. He took a drag of a cigarette as he stared down at us.

I wrapped my arm protectively around Marissa as I looked back at her.

"You know this guy?" I asked her

"Kevin." She said in a voice that I couldn't read, still not turning away from the supposed figure from her past. There was definitely some surprise, a little worry, maybe a little anger too?

"Who is he?" I asked her again but she was silent.

"What babe, cat got your tongue?" He said smirking down at her. It was then that he walked around to the other side of the bench and extend his hand to me. "Kevin Volchok, Marissa's boyfriend."

Marissa stared at him, her body stiffening in my arms. Something about this situation just isn't right. Things have been going well for so long. We've gone to far to let some tattooed sleaze ball screw it over.

Like they say. **Your past always comes to bite you in the ass.**

**What'd ya think? Lemme kno. This is all that I have of this story at this point so if you have an idea or request now is your time to voice it. **

**xoxo Jules**


	33. Goodbye Everybody

**Hey, sorry for the delay. There has been a lot going on which for the sake of an explaination i may need to post later in an authors note. Anyhow r&r.**

**xoxo Jules**

**Chapter 33: "Goodbye Everybody"**

**Marissas POV: "It's kind of hard"**

**Temptation. **

I was never too good with that. It's like my brain was wired not to say "no" or something. The last thing that I expected, ever, was to see Kevin in Newport Beach California. The run-in between he, Ryan and I was awkward to say the least. It had ended in some threats, and a near fist fight. I basically had to pull Ryan off of Volchok. Anyhow I managed to slip him Jimmys address without Ryan knowing. I told him that I am the third floor balcony on the far left wing. Why did I give him the address? I have not the slightest clue.

There was a soft knock at my balcony door. I half expected it. I didn't even have to peer through the glass to know who it was. I sat up in bed hesitating for a minute. Could I really do this, let him in? He had never treated me badly. At the time in my life that we were together we were the same, and now so much has changed. Case in point, I'm clean.

Sighing I flipped my legs over the end of the bed and made my way to the glass door. He smiled at me through the glass. Something inside me smirked back. As dumb as it sounds something with Volchok is familiar. Everything here in Newport is well, new. And yeah that's a good thing for the most part, but with Kevin I didn't have to fill in the blanks. He was my history and I never had to worry about telling him this story or that story that explains why I am the way that I am because he was there for it all. He never looked at me like I was fragile or breakable which is a good thing, ¼ I think.

He didn't say anything as I pulled the door open. He just stepped inside and pressed his lips against mine. Suddenly, as soon as his lips touched mine the taste of menthol and jack invaded my mouth. I hadn't tasted that in a long time. Trying to catch my breath I pulled back from his kiss, I couldn't dare kiss him back.

"You alright babe?" He asked stroking the side of my face.

I turned my back to him. I was heading to sit on my bed but then decided otherwise. I didn't want him to get any ideas.

"How did you find me?" I asked in a small voice.

"Actually," He said as he propped his ass on my vanity and his feet on the chair, "I didn't even know that you were here. Apparently the surf scene out here is insane, go figure right. Some friends of mine also had some work for me to do out here too, close to Mexico an' all if you see what I'm sayin'"

Yeah I knew what he was saying. He was saying everything that I was trying to avoid.

"I even got a pretty sweet van outta the deal to get me back an' forth over the boarder." He added with a smirk. "So pretty sweet crib you got here." He said as he let his eyes wander around the room.

"It's my dads." I said too quickly

He cocked a brow at me.

"You gotta daddy now 'eh?" He asked with the same smile, I just shrugged in response. "That's straight." He said.

I just wrapped my arms around my body.

"You're looking good Cooper." He said climbing down again from the vanity. "You could stand to eat a sandwich or something but other than that." He smirked at me again, that dangerous boyish smirk that made my heart melt¼

I shrugged wondering whether or not I should tell him.

"Thanks, I've been clean for a month and a half." I mumbled.

Suddenly his expression changed to one that I could not read.

"How'd that happen?"

"Detox?" I responded not quite sure myself.

He nodded.

"That's chill. I just never would'a guessed. It was you and at least bud for life at one point."

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a familiar flask. I had a matching one. He tipped his head down as he let whatever vicious liquid that it contained slide down his throat. He held out his hand the me as an offering. I took it, and before I knew what I was doing the warm liquid was burning my throat as well.

"'atta girl." He encouraged me. Taking a step toward me so I was backed against the bed post. I couldn't help but grin a bit as I passed it back to him.

"Nah." He said as he put both of his hands up. "You're clean of everything else. You'll need it more than me. 'sides, I got more where that came from." He smiled at me again.

He had that hazy drunken smile that he used to give me when we would wake up in the morning naked in the back seat of a car, or some mattress in a random hotel that we had shared with twelve other people and just passed out in after we fucked.

"I was about to head out to meet some randoms at the beach. Wanna come with?" He asked

"I cant. If Jimmy came in here and I'm gone he'd flip. I don't want to get sent away again." I lied quickly knowing that Jimmy was long asleep.

He nodded

"Alright. Well you wouldn't beat the crap outta me if I rode through here one day right?" He asked as he rubbed his stubble.

I thought for a minute. It sucks being alone during the day. It couldn't hurt right? We could kick back and watch tv or something¼

"Yeah, you can come tomorrow if you want after 7 and before 2." I offered trying not to show I was at all nervous.

"I'm there."

And with that he slipped out of the door. He didn't ask anything about Ryan. He wasn't threatened which made me feel even worse. He knew that he wrapped me tight around his finger a long time ago and if he wanted to he could have me when he wanted, where he wanted, how he wanted.

The only thing worse than admitting that is admitting that it's true. Or it always has been. For the first time I think that I am falling for someone, like really falling for them, and then this. Ryan means the world to me though¼ . I will never forgive myself if I fuck it up. But Kevin makes me weak, he knows how to push me, how to manipulate me¼ worse, he knows how to make me like it.

**Temptation.**

My phone started buzzing all over my bed. Ryan flashed on the screen. Sucking back my breath I picked it up.

"Hey!" I said a little too excitedly.

"I was just calling to apologize for everything earlier." Ryan said his voice tired.

"It's okay, really. Just please, don't mess with Volchok he's dangerous." I warned him. It is true, Kevin Volchok is a dangerous man.

"As long as you promise not to see him. I just want you to be safe." Ryan said, but I couldn't shake the feeling that he was trying to tell me what to do.

"He's my friend Ryan. I cant just cut him off."

Times like this I feel like Ryan can see right through me.

"Alright Marissa, if that's how you want it. Just be careful¼ "

And with that the dial tone pounded in my ear. I stared down at the phone dumbly for a minute before sending it flying across the room, it shatter into pieces¼ I didn't know that somebody was watching me the entire time from the balcony window.

"Woah Tiger!" Summer said as she stepped in the room.

I swung around to face the door.

"Sum, hey! What's up?" I asked crumpling my hands in one another hoping that she could not smell the alcohol on my breath.

"I could ask you the same thing Coop. How've you been?" Summer asked taking a seat on the vanity where Volchok just had. She sniffed the air "Were you smoking in here?" She asked

I let out the breath that I had been holding in.

"You caught me!" I said throwing my hands up and plastering on a fake smile. "Speaking of," I reached into my bureau and pulled out a pack of Camel Golds. "Lets go outside."

I sighed. I would rather mask the smell of jack on my breath with cigarettes than have Summer suspect anything.

We took a seat on the stairs leading down to the garden. I lit two cigarettes and then offered one of them to her. She nodded as I passed it over.

"Alright Coop, I'm just going to come out and say it." Summer said leaning against the banister where we sat taking a drag of her cigarette.

I cocked an eyebrow at her.

"Alex and I found like a whole zip-lock of coke in your room."

My temper flared

"What were you searching through my stuff!" I yelled flying to my feet inhaling puff after puff. Summer remained still below me

"You know that I would never do that Coop. The drawer was open Alex just ran into it and it was there."

I believed her. Summer was blunt, she always told the truth. I settled back down across from her.

"Who else knows?" I asked in a husky voice

"Only me and Alex." She said meeting eyes with my own "Have you used it Marissa?"

"No! I swear that I have not touched that stuff since I came back from rehab! I forgot that I even had it until just now." That was true, I had gotten a stash and I had been dipping into it but that was before I left for rehab.

Well then summer stood up and walked past me, into my room and opened my drawer pulling out a bag of coke.

"Come on¼ " She said as she walked past me again and down the steps toward the pool, and then past the pool to the ocean. Was she really doing what I thought she was doing?

Summer teetered for a minute at the edge of the water so the tide could just capture her toes. The sky was black that night. Not one star shone through the clouds. Only when I got closer I could tell that Summer was crying.

"Sum?" I asked placing my hand on her shoulder.

She turned to me with tears in her eyes.

"Marissa we need to get this right. I remember when they used to drag you in the Hartford House kicking and screaming. You were gaunt looking and had circles under your eyes, and it was scary! I remember when you would haze out for hours on end and yeah, maybe it didn't matter like this then but through all of this you have become my best friend Coop!"

Now we were both bawling. Summer and I were close, always, but we never really admitted it.

"I'm so sorry Sum, really I am so sorry!" I out of nowhere took the smaller girl into my arms. After a couple minutes of girlish embracing and sobbing she backed up.

As she handed me the baggie I looked at her in confusing.

"The ocean is yours Coop." I looked at her for a moment, uncertain. Then I tossed the baggie up and down in my hand for a minute.

I took a step back and tossed the powder into the mass of ocean that rolled before me. The waves took it out further and further away. I looked back , Volchok was gone, for now, and so was the coke. The only think that remained was summer.

**Temptation, ¼ Salvation.**

**What do you think? Let me knoooooo! Its still a long-ish road for Ryan and Marissa but at least it's getting paved. Again this story is more character development than couple development, although there will be a fair share of coupleness. Alright, and still open for requests! Thank you as well for all of the reviews that i have gotten and the support for this story!**

**xoxo Jules**


	34. I've got to go

**Hey! Sorry about the delay, net's been down :(. Thanks for all of the suggestions. There will be Ryan backstory presented soon. I anticipate the next chapter will be all of his POV. I dont want to say anything else to ruin this chapter.**

**After much consideration the rating of this story will be switched to M. I should have done it a long time ago. **

**xoxo Jules**

**Chapter 34: "Ive got to go-"**

**Marissa's POV: "when you ain't got no friends" **

I keep on glancing at the clock and I don't know why. It's not like I want him to come or anything yanno? Well not exactly. It's just that I know he'll be here. Like fifteen minutes ago Jimmy came in and kissed my forehead and then told me that he was heading to work which meant it was seven. Fifteen minutes later Rhett and Caitlin would leave and Sophie would go to elementary school ten minutes later.

Long story short, other than the housekeeper I am alone in the house.

"Shit!" I almost screamed as a hand appeared from around my curtains, and then he appeared grinning and licking his lips.

"Did I scare you baby?" He asked as he snaked his way over to my bed and planted a firm kiss on my forehead. One that told me that I'm real, not fragile.

I shake my head no. It's like there's a lump in my throat that I just cant seem to swallow. I still cant bring myself to speak.

"Comfy bed." He said leaning himself over my pillows and kicking off his boots. "Could getta couple of good lays in on here eh?" He joked wiggling his eyebrows at me. I shot him a glare in response.

"So whadda ya want to do?" I asked dumbly.

He leaned back and shrugged.

"'member when we just used to sit an' talk about our dreams and stuff?"

That is when I loved Kev, I mean not now, like back then. He would show me a side of him that nobody else would ever see. He let me in, I was special. In a way for a lot of years he was my best friend. My non-sober confidant.

"We used to talk about running away and joining a freak show." He smirks at me.

I remember it clearly. I was going to be a contortionist and eat fire. Kev was going to juggle knives and deal blow out of the back of the circus tent. Sure it was never going to happen, and it was more far fetched then well, anything. I'm not at all flexible and the drugs have basically killed whatever coordination Kevin ever had. The thing is it's your dreams that keep you warm at night and shine on you when you wake up in the morning.

"We used to talk about a lot." I finally speak up turning over to look at him.

"What happened to us? We used to be good for each other."

Those words caused my stomach to twist to knots. I sigh.

"Kev we were never good for each other. I was always high, you were always dealing or drinking. You'd disappear for weeks at a time or have to skip town when the cops got on your ass. And shit, when we were sober together all that we did was fight… or yanno…"

I blush trying not to think about the physical side of our relationship. Honestly it was mind blowing.

**Volchoks POV: "He put his life to an end"**

Her hazy blue green eyes stare down at me. I can feel that tightening in my groin, but it's more than that. I loved her once. She let me love her. Yeah we were hooked on coke and messed with E and smack and acid but that doesn't mean that it wasn't real.

"You miss me?" I asked looking back up into her eyes.

I smiled as she bit her lip and nodded a little bit. Embarrassed her eyes darted away from mine.

"Hey." I said softly tilting her chin toward me. "I missed you too."

She rolled her eyes as she sat up.

"I didn't think that you'd realize I was gone."

I sighed. I didn't for a while. She skipped town the day after me.

"I was gonna come and break you out of there, truth. You knew that."

"I didn't believe you." She shot at me her eyes creating a storm in my own as she shot out of bed. Her long legs peeked out from under her unbelievably short shirt.

"I was gonna babe! I swear!" I said standing up angrily.

Why the hell didn't she believe me? I was really gonna get her. It's just some deals went sour and I had some money to pay back and too many men on my ass…

"Whatever!" She said about to pull on a pair of shorts.

"What they hell is your problem!" I asked grabbing her arm and whipping her body to face me.

I never mean to get physical with her. She gets physical with me too. Most of the time she's first actually. It is just the way that we work.

"Get the fuck off of me!" She yelled trying to yank her arm away from mine but I got a good grip.

"All I want's for you to believe me!"

With her free hand she reached up and smacked me in the face. I felt her hand sting my jaw and I grabbed her other hand pinning them both behind her back.

"BITCH!" I screamed knocking her into the wall

She retaliated and lunged forward biting me in my shoulder. She drew blood.

"Fuck Marissa!" I screamed throwing her into the wall causing a picture to fall off.

She seemed to bounce right of the wall and fly towards me kneeing me in my stomach. There were only two things that I could think of in that moment. One, the extreme amount of pain I was in, two, my huge mounting boner.

"I hate you!" She screamed as I pulled her to the ground pinning her body down with my own. I ground my body against hers roughly.

"Shit Volchok, you're such a pig!" She screamed squirming beneath me. I knew that she felt my boner which was poking into her thigh needing release. Her squirming was only making it worse though.

I paused above her. Our breaths heaved together. I could feel beads of sweat forming all over my body… hers was the same. The only sound that you can hear is our breathing. I reach into my pocket and retrieve my flask. I am no longer holding her hands but they are resting at her sides. I am propped up on my hands so not to crush her body with mine.

I grinned down at her as I took a long sip from my flask. Lowering my hands I held it against her lips urging her to swallow. She opened and closed her eyes as she let the liquid burn its way down her throat. She chugged it like a champ allowing the alcohol induced haze to overtake her body. I dropped the flask when I knew that she was finished. I didn't tell her that I had crushed up pills and slipped them in the flask as well. It was E, green apple, a real upper.

As I let my rough hand snake it's way up her shirt I look in her eyes. I have her.

**Marissas POV**

He has me.

And I let him.

Ontop of the liquor that I had just downed he intoxicated me. I felt my body float away. There had been nothing, as far as drugs or alcohol, in my body for so long and I hadn't eaten at all yesterday. I know that in a matter of minutes I will be gone. I can almost feel the alcohol seep into my blood stream causing my veins to tingle and my head to become light.

"Kev." I muttered as his mouth met with mine. I gave in.

Ryan, holy crap. I'm with Ryan, I cant do this to him. Wait, am I even with Ryan? We fucked, so what? He treats me like a child and to top it all off he hung up on me last night… but I love him…

"Just relax babe." He growled in my ear as his hands slipped under my panties.

Ryan'll never forgive me for this. I need to stand up, I need to go to him… why can't I move! Kevin kisses me, I continue to kiss him back. Holy crap it is so good but it is so bad.

He began to trail his lips down my collar bone. I could feel the fresh stubble burn my neck as it rubbed roughly against me. The moan that I had been trying to hold in with all my might was released. It was like I didn't have control of my body.

I sucked back my breath as he slipped one finger inside of me. This was not happening, I was not letting this happen. I didn't want it.

"You like this baby. It just like old times, you like this?" He asked again as he drilled his finger into me adding another… and then another.

My eyes shut in pain. Tears sprang to the corners of my eyes. When I opened them again Kevin was staring down at me intently.

"You like this? You like when I touch you like this baby." He licked his lips as his eyes devoured my body

I shook my head no, I did not like this, although my eyes were screaming yes. This is all so confusing! My life has been so clear and now… Shit!

Kevin unzipped his zipper and pushed my underwear to the side.

"Shit." I said as I pierced my eyes shut and bit my lower lip.

He plunged into me.

I floated away from the moment. I put myself anywhere besides where I am now. But then something, maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was something else, but whatever it was heightened my senses and I felt everything. Every pressure on my body not matter how slight, whatever pain, … whatever pleasure was multiplied over and over again.

As Kevin began to pound into me mercilessly I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't hold back.

_Ryan_

I allowed my chest to arch into his. I grabbed onto his shoulders for support.

_I can't do this to him. _

My toes curled and body stiffen as he charged into me one last time. Kevin paused and held me in position as I felt him flood me.

_Holy crap what just happened?_

And then he kissed me sweetly on the cheek. It was done.

_**I had just fucked up.**_

**I tend to shake it up a bit with my writing. Take people out of their comfort zones because quite frankly im not a comfortable person. Haha, dont get me wrong, im totally chill and i've been told that i am a pushover and nice to a fault, but relationships just get me. In writing you get to experience, and create people from all angles and in all situations. That is what i love to do. So with that being said I ask...**

**Did Marissa really have SEX with him? He did slip her E... but she didnt stop it. Is it what she wanted? Was she sure? Was it rape? ... In your mind I dont know. It was just the next step. It's all how you interpret it. I felt like the Marissa confusion in this chap was completely realistic and necessary. **

**Ryrissa shippers, you will not be dissappointed.**

**From now on this story is going to be moving at a fast pace, it will be BAM BAM BAM and intense the whole way, at least that is what i am anticipating and then there will be the falling action which will lead us to our close. There are probably at least 7 chapters left that I will write.**

**What do you guys want to see happen? (By the way all of the requests have been considered wink)**

**purple button!**


	35. Gotta leave you all behind

**Chapter 35: "Gotta leave you all behind"**

**Ryans POV: They might remember him then **

"_Ryan! Ryan!"_

_The voice beckoned me again and again. Although it was soft and soothing I didn't want to go to it, I didn't trust it. Voices like that are the ones that get you. They lure you in and then snap their jaws coldly around your neck and grin as you bleed out in front of them. _

"_RYAN!" The voice called me one more time, sterner._

_I sighed knowing that I had to give in._

"_Comin' ma!" I screamed tossing my model plane down on my bed. I had gotten it for my tenth birthday only a week ago but I had spent everyday since assembling it. _

_I stopped when I reached the living room. As usual there were traces of white powder on the glass coffee table and bongs and bowls splayed over top of old needles. It was no place for a kid my house. _

_I put on a fake smile when I saw my mom._

"_Yes ma?" I asked as sweetly as I could. Today I was really not in the mood to get on her bad side._

_My mom stood in front of me. Her bleach blonde hair was fried and teased as she stared down at me smiling with her blood red lip stick that she got from the 99 cent store. She had a man standing next to her… his hand groped her ass. He had a dark beard, a long ponytail, and a beer belly. _

"_Ry, I wanna introduce ya to mah friend Lance. He'll be yar new daddy!" My mom smiled her eyes dancing. _

_I looked up at this man. He looked down at me with a fake smile. They always looked at me like that. It would only be about a week before he beat me and tried to run me out of the house like the rest of 'em. Ma would just sit outside of my bedroom door and cry. I'd try to talk to her about it, … I always would. She'd just tell me to stop getting in their way._

"_Nice'ta meet ya son."_

_This man, Lance, extended a greasy hand towards me. The underside of his fingernails was caked with dirt. I shook his hand hesitantly but I did not want to be rude._

"_Nice'ta meet you sir." I looked at him evenly. He looked at me, amused._

_He turned to my mother._

"_Kid's got a good grip. He should box." Lance then squeezed her ass cheek_

_Boxing. I should have thought about that a long time ago. Maybe it'd stop me from getting my ass kicked from the men that keep runnin' in and out. _

"_Hear that baby?" My mom said smiling at me proudly actually believing that this man was fond of me. _

_Lance then began kissing her neck… I grimaced. _

"_Now if you'll 'xcuse us son you ma and I've got some business to do." He winked at me. I thought that it was an overshare. _

_My mom giggled like a school girl as she skipped off towards the bedroom. That's when he leaned in and whispered in my ear. _

"_Things're gonna change 'round here kid. Got that? I'm man of this house now ya hear? By the way-"_

_I will always remember how he pulled back from my ear and met me dead in my eyes. _

"_Heard yar mammas the best fuck in town." He winked at me as he turned and stalked back to the bathroom._

_I stood stone faced although my blood boiled. I could hear the moans and the screams coming from the other side of the rancher. Suddenly my stomach heaved and I leaned forward and threw up right onto my lap…_

There are those moments in life that define us. That was my moment. I was ten years old. Most people cant look back at one moment in life and say that's when I became a man. I can though. I think it was that moment. I was living for myself. I was all that I had, … and that would have to be okay.

To give your heart to someone is the greatest gift. At the same time though it is the greatest sacrifice. Your heart is all that you have that keeps you going, so long as it beats you're alright. You keep it protected in your chest. But the moment you take it out, put it on your sleeve, someone rips it off and clutches it in their two fists until the blood seeps out down their fingers and the pressure is just so much that it explodes.

That's what love is like.

I glance at the clock. 2:34 am. All day I've had this bad feeling in my gut. It's been there since I hung up on Marissa last night. Somethings not right, but I cant do anything about it. It's not my place right now… but I miss her.

Groaning I step out of bed and head downstairs to the kitchen.

"Shit!" I muttered stubbing my toe on the wall.

I fumbled around the wall until I found the light switch. I promptly flick it on to reveal Summer sitting on the counter eating a bowl of cereal. I raised a brow.

"What are you doing up?" She asked me with a small smile.

I shrugged.

"Couldn't sleep." I responded lamely.

She nodded

"You?" I asked her

Summer smirked lightly.

"I don't sleep. You know this."

It never really thought about it but I've probably known her for about six years when I first got placed in Hartford. That was even longer than Marissa or even Seth. She was already there when I arrived. She was eleven and I had just turned twelve.

_I wandered around the endless splay of unfamiliar halls, they all seemed to lead the same place, … nowhere. I turn hearing a door open just feet away from me. _

_A small girl appeared with dark brown hair, almost black. She looked a little younger than me. She kept her head down trying to keep the fact that she had tears streaming down her face hidden. She had her hands wrapped protectively around her body as she hurried down the hall. _

_It was then that the doctors head popped out of the room that she had just been in. He watched her down the hall, … until his eyes caught with mine._

_  
"You didn't see anything." He warned me slamming the door. _

_What is going on? I asked myself. I followed the hall that the girl had just disappeared down and into the stairwell that sat at the end of it. _

_I pushed the door open, … it slammed into something on the other side._

"_What the fuck!" A voice said _

_I looked down to see the girl from the hall crouched in the corner with her knees pulled up to her chest. She looked up at me momentarily. Her face was firm, hard. Her face was streaked with tears although none fell. _

"_I'm so sorry!" I said rushing into hero mode. _

_She shook her head and rolled her eyes taking a puff of her cigarette. I sighed._

"_You alright?" I asked sliding against the wall until I landed on the floor. For some reason I was exhausted._

_She nodded meeting my eye. She held up a carton of cigarettes to me._

"_Want one?" She offered up_

_I nodded taking it greedily. At the time eleven and twelve year olds smoking didn't seem at all odd. _

"_How'd you get these?" I asked inhaling._

_She shrugged._

"_Dr. Corbin gives 'em to me."_

_My skin crawled. I hear stories about Dr. Corbin. How he takes the girls back into his room for "private counseling sessions" and then basically does what he wants with them. _

_I just nodded simply. She looked at me again, her eyes were sad and withdrawn. In that moment we had an understanding. _

At that moment I would never have imagined that I would be sitting in a mansion in Newport Beach California at almost three am.

"You alright Ryan?" She suddenly asked me.

I must have zoned out.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." I lied quickly.

She smiled again softly.

"So," I began "How are things with you and Seth?" I asked

She smirked at me wildly.

"Good. He's such a dreamer yanno? He's not depressed about his past to the point that it debilitates him, and he doesn't drown himself in dr-" Summer abruptly stopped. "I'm sorry…" She said

I had to smile then.

"Don't worry about it." I smirked "For what it's worth I think that you guys are good for each other."

"Thanks Ry."

"Don't thank me. It's the truth." I said genuinely.

"Yanno what I realized Ry?"

"What?" I asked turning back to her

"Life is just to short yanno? There's no need to dwell on the past because you cant change it. Look around, we've been given this amazing opportunity. It doesn't make sense, life, and that's okay. Time is something that you cant get back. Don't waste it." She winked at me.

I knew what she meant right then. Marissa.

My mother never got the chance to live life. She had me and my brother right when it was about to begin and was on a downward spiral ever since. Her death seemed to make sense. It was like it was that she was destined to find peace eventually and that was the only way.

Without another word I headed for the back door. But before I got out I stop.

"Hey Sum?"

She turns her head up from her cereal.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks." I smiled softly.

She nodded

"Now hurry up. She needs you."

And with that I practically ran out of the back door, jumped to bush wall onto the property next door. I slipped through the back garden past the pool and then up the long staircase.

I peered into her window before I entered. There was a dim light on inside. I could see her. She was crouched on the middle of her bed, her body nodded in a ball and she was shaking, crying.

Slowly so not to alarm her I pushed the door open. Her eyes shot up, she braced herself for a moment looking scared… like she thought that I was someone else.

"Marissa…" I said softly rushing to her side

Her body flew into my arms and I was there to catch her as she clutched my chest for dear life. My shirt was soaked with her tears.

"I'm so sorry Ryan, I'm so sorry!" She mumbled into my chest as her body wracked with sobs

"Ssshhh, theres nothing to be sorry for baby. It's okay." I said gently rubbing the middle of her back the way that I used to do my mother.

At first I thought that I was attracted to Marissa because she is simply attractive… then I realized it was more, I am attracted, addicted to her pain. The pain that I couldn't take from my mom, the problems that I couldn't fix. Maybe this is my second chance.

"No, you don't get it!"

She pulled back from me against her headboard and wrapped her arms around herself as she shivers.

"I don't get what Marissa?" I asked scooting closer to her.

Her body tensed as she pushed herself further into the backboard.

"Tell me, tell me what's going on!" I tried to urge her gently.

Her head shook furiously.

"I can't-" She said between sniffled "it's too bad."

She began to dry heave and hyperventilate.

"Honey you've got to breathe." I said trying to stroke the side of her cheek.

She forcefully turned her cheek from me… it was then that I saw the bruises on the side of her neck.

"Are those hickeys?" I ask… I can feel my dinner rise in my stomach

She stared to sob even harder.

"Kevin!" I couldn't control my emotions. I flew up from the bed. My eyes flared. "Are you fucking Kevin!" I screamed at her accusingly.

"NO!" She pleaded her voice coming out in a whisper. She reached for my hands which I roughly ripped away.

"Don't touch me!" I screamed

At this point we were both crying. That is something that I don't do. Marissa was sobbing so hard that her face was red. Her eyes were puffy like she had been crying all day.

"How could you do that Marissa, huh! HE'S NO GOOD! You told me that yourself! Is it really that hard to just keep your GOD DAMN legs shut!"

Words were flying out of my mouth like a hurricane. I could almost feel the room spinning around me.

"Shut the fuck up Ryan!" She screamed slamming her head into her hands.

"NO Marissa! I'm not going to put up with this shit anymore ALRIGHT? I have got to hell and back for you. When you were going through withdraw I begged for money and then risked my life to get you a fix! I almost had to shove the GOD DAMN roll up your nose. I fucking stopped you from running off that night in only your underwear cause you couldn't go without the blow. You would have FUCKING GOTTEN RAPED on the pier like that! You've bled me dry Marissa!" I screamed

At this point I'm not sure if I'm yelling at Marissa or yelling at my mother. Whichever it's too much to take.

"Ryan…" I heard her choke out from the other side of the bed where shes sitting clad in her underwear and a tank top. Blood was pouring out of her nose like a faucet and into her hands.

And then there was a deafening silence until you could hear the waves crack against the rocks on the shore. Not soft and calming like usual, but harsh and violent.

I took one last look at Marissa on her bed now covered in blood and struggling to breath through her mouth. Yes this is too much.

I look at her for one last time with tears in my eyes.

"I'm sending Alex and Summer over to take care of you."

I rush to the door. I turned around, one last look at her, just one.

"I'm sorry."

I dashed out of her house into the night.

As I heard the waves crack against the rocks **I could wish for nothing more than to be swept out to sea with the tide. **

**Hey guys! Like i said, thinks have to hit rock bottom before they get better and this is rock bottom. I hope you liked it. There will be more soon. **

**This chapter was the most natural one that i wrote in a long time. I fulfilled some requests for Ryans backstory so i feel good about that. Now let me know what you think. Lemme know what you think! requests will be taken to the end at this point. **

**In upcoming chapters:**

**More Alex Luke**

**Summer/Seth**

**Ryan and Volchok confrontation**

**Cooper family fun**

**and Ryrissa**

**xoxo Jules**


	36. and face the truth

**Hey guys. Sorry for the delay on the chapter. I have some shoulder problem with my bursa, i cant remember how to spell it, and i dont feel like going to get the paper with the diagnosis. Anyhow i havent had used of my right arm for about a week and a half, so while i had this chapter in my head it took me a long time to type it out.**

**I really appreciate how everyone has been reading this story. It has almost 20,000 hits which is unimaginable, and the people that review make it even better.**

**So I have something for you at the end of the chapter... it's a link... you have to read through the chapter and then when you get to the end you can see. It's kind of a thanks for the support for the story again.**

**Read and Review!**

**xoxo Jules****

* * *

**

**Chapter 36: "-and face the truth"**

**Summers POV:**

Doors slamming. Weird considering it's 3 am. I look up to see Ryan's huddled form in the middle of the kitchen floor. He's breathless and his face is red and stained with tears. Shit, something must have happened at Marissas.

"Ryan, Ry what's going on? Where's Coop?" I ask as I rush to his side and crouch beside him.

Ryan heaved heavily, struggling to breathe.

"Marissa's she's, I'm - I'm fine-" He said clutching his chest.

The room is so tense and my blood is rushing so fast I can hear my pulse in my ears.

"What's going on!" A voice says behind me as the light turns on in the kitchen. Alex and Seth rush over to us.

"God Ryan are you okay?" Alex asks rushing to Ryan's side. She put a gentle hand on Ryans back which he roughly shoved off.

"It's okay! Sum, Alex, just go check on Marissa will you?"

Alex and I immediately look up, our eyes meet momentarily. He said that we need to go check on Marissa. If you think about it is Ryan a threat to himself or others? No. Well others maybe but it depends on the situation. Is Marissa a threat to herself or others? Yes. On both counts.

Without another word being said Alex and I fly to our feet. As I head for the door I feel a strong hand on my arm. I turn around. Seth

"Hey, be careful alright?" He tells me. His eyes bore into my own.

I nod and plant a quick kiss on his cheek before taking off across the yard after Alex in pursuit of Marissa. I could feel his watchful eyes on me the entire way.

Breathless we reach her bedroom window, or the door rather that can be reached from the balcony. The door was still open from when Ryan had stormed out.

"Oh my god!" Alex said rushing beside Marissa who was on her bed cupping her face, blood pouring out of her hands. She turns to me frantically "Can you get some towels!"

I snapped out of my thoughts. The whole scene was too shocking. Sad. I really wonder how many years all of this trauma has taken off all of our lives.

"Um, yeah." I hurry to the bathroom and grab a plethora of towels from the closet. Did I just say plethora? I really must be loosing it. "Here!" I passed the towels to Alex who helps Marissa remove her hands from her bleeding nose and replace them with the towels.

Her mouth hung open as she was struggling to breath. See, coke is all glamorous when it is celebrities doing it in the VIP rooms of clubs but then you see things like this… Oh my god, is that like TOTALLY horrible of me to think like that right now?

I watch Alex help Marissa as the bleeding slowly subsides. Marissa's breath was steadying although she was now coughing displaying some of the blood that she just swallowed. Lovely.

Suddenly I realize I am being less than a friend.

"Are you okay Coop?" I ask slowly making my way over to the bed as she slowly pulled the towels away from her face… her nose began to drain again. "… it's okay, I think I know the answer." I give a weak smile. I'm not always good in awkward situations.

About ten minutes later when we were confident that the blood stopped flowing we let Marissa remove the towels. Her eyes are red and puffy from crying I assume.

"I'm sorry about all of this." She said keeping her eyes fixated on the bloody towels.

"No worries Kid." Alex said brushing some hair from Marissa's face.

"Yeah!" I pipe up, "what are friends for anyway right?" I give her a small smile

"So what's going on Marissa? What happened tonight?" Alex asks in a soft voice.

Marissa sighs for a minute and takes a moment to collect herself.

"You remember Volchok Sum?" She began as she turns to face me squarely.

Volchok, Volchok… Doesn't ring a bell. Oh wait, the dirty possibly rabid drug dealer from Chicago that used to tote Marissa around on his arm or drop her off on the steps of Hartford house when she was too trashed to get herself home? Yeah, I remember him too well.

"Yeah." I said giving her the abridged version of my memory. "What does he have to do with anything?"

Marissa turns back to Alex.

"Volchok, or Kevin, whatever, was my ex-kinda from Chicago. Anyhow he moved out here and we ran into each other the other day… when I was with Ryan."

I can feel my eyes get wide. If there were two guys whose paths should never cross it would be Ryan Atwood and Kevin Volchok. They both were extremely angry people, well Ryan's not angry all of the time but he gets possessive, not in a bad way but when it comes to the people that he cares about… and Volchok, well that guy is just insane.

"Kevin wanted to talk and I didn't."

"Because you're over him." Alex more states than questions

"That and the fact that I was with Ryan. I was NOT in the mood for a blood bath. Thing is I never really broke up with him when we dipped out of Chicago, so I figured I at least owed him an explanation yanno?"

Alex and I both nodded our heads.

"So I slipped him my address and he showed up… we ended up talking and it was good. It was familiar. He doesn't act like I'm fragile or like I cant stand on my own two feet. He's always just treated me like a normal person. So like I said, it was fine. We talked and drank a bit. He kissed me, then he asked when he could see me again."

Alex interrupts.

"So is Ryan this mad over a kiss?" She asks

Marissa shook her head no. For the first time the fresh bruises, hickeys were visible on her neck…

"He came over the next day. Jimmy was at work and Rhett, Caitlin and Sophie were at school. We started fighting." Marissa explains as her eyes brim with tears.

"What like arguing?" I ask raising an eyebrow

"No." Marissa corrects me. "Like physically fighting."

It was then that I looked harder. Marissa has dark blue rings around each of her exposed wrists, bruises…

"He threw me against the wall… I kneed him in the stomach, and the he grabbed me and pinned me down on the ground and then it just got quiet… he kissed me, I tried to fight him off…" Her voice is lost, distant… "He, he um, he had a flask in his back pocket… he took a sip and then put it up to my mouth… my hands were pinned at my sides… one with his knee, the other with his hand… I finished the flask… and then he… it just happened." Her eyes glaze over as if she is recalling an event that just happened in someone else's life… anyone's but hers.

"Babe, it's not your fault, you tried to fight him off!" Alex said rubbing the small of her back.

"I didn't say no!" Marissa said softly

"But you tried to fight him off! He should have gotten the hint." Alex said again more firmly this time.

I got a sick twisted feeling in my stomach. I had been in this situation like thirteen too many times. This had been the first twelve years of my life. Meaningless sexual acts with meaningless guys, me trying to figure out so many times whether or not it was rape that it didn't even matter anymore.

"Summer?" Alex said turning to me. Her eyes plead for me to help.

I don't have any answers. I sigh slowly. This route was going nowhere, she is lost and confused. One thing that I do know is that Kevin Volchok is dirty, a walking cesspool for everything diseased. We need to deal with that aspect first. I sigh again.

"Did he use a condom?" I ask pointedly.

Both Marissa and Alex's eye snapped toward me.

"Summer!" Alex says in an almost warning tone.

I roll my eyes ignoring her annoyance. Objectivity is virtue.

"Did he use a condom Coop?" I ask again.

She looks down for a second. I can tell that she is thinking.

"Yeah, I think so…" Her brow furrows again, "I mean, I don't really know… maybe not… wait he… I felt… uh, no. No, I don't think he did." She shook her head as the corners of her mouth turn down.

I nod. Someone needs to think about this situation objectively. Apparently that person is me.

"Alright, well, … I guess tomorrow we should go to the clinic, we can go somewhere out of town, Chino or Riverside or something then you can get the morning after pill and a rape kit just to be sure."

Marissa was chewing her lip, the area around her nose was still stained with blood. I smile softly at her.

"You should go wash up and then the three of us should try to get some shut eye."

She nods standing up heading for the bathroom.

"Thanks again guys." She says softly before shutting the door.

Alex turns to me as soon as Marissa is out of earshot.

"Do you think she's going to be alright?" She asks

I shrug. Marissa Cooper was never alright. She was born beautifully broken, comfortably confused, triumphantly tragic.

"I hope so."

**I start to strip the bloody sheets from the bed.**

**Seth's POV:**

I've always, and never had a way with words. This situation sadly is no exception. I mean, I feel like I can comfort people alright but this isn't just anyone, this is Ryan. He's like a rock, dudes like him don't cry…

I take a seat next to him Indian style on the kitchen floor.

"Wanna tell me what happened man?" I ask softly, maybe a little too soft. I'm not quite sure he heard me… until he speaks up.

"I don't even know man."

He was in a white tank top and sweats as usual… I'm in my simpsons boxers and a star wars shirt but in my defense it is way early and I couldn't find anything else to sleep in.

"I went over, and she was crying… I tried to hug her, she turned away and then I saw these massive hickeys on her neck…" He spoke slowly with his eyes closed and his head turned downward.

"So you think that she cheated on you?" I ask

That would be the topping on the cake. As if things could not get worse for He and Marissa.

He shrugs in response.

"Who would she cheat with though? She doesn't know anybody here… well besides us and I didn't hook up with her, and then there's Luke, Oh my god was it Luke, I always thought that they seemed kind of compatible in a dysfunctional why is this happening sort of way but I never-"

"SETH!" Ryan cuts me off… I'm rambling

"Sorry."

Ryan sighs before he begins again.

"Some guy, this scrub Kevin Volchok from Chicago."

My eyes got wide. Kevin Volchok. Back in Chi Town he'd only mugged me up like a couple thousand times.

"He used to talk to Marissa right?" I ask already knowing the answer

"Yeah. He showed up, they ran into one another and bam." He said

I thought for a minute. Something about this doesn't sound right… especially Marissa just fessing up to it.

"And she told you all of this?" I ask

Ryan looks back at me almost angrily.

"She didn't have to Seth! It was all over her. She had hickeys on her neck for the love of God!"

"But she didn't confirm it! She didn't say 'Hey Ryan I slept with my diseased ex!'" This situation may be turning around.

"Well she didn't deny it either!" Ryan said flying to his feet recognizing his possible error.

"I think that you should talk to her dude."

Ryan nodded lazily.

"Yeah." He was about to head towards the door.

"Hey man," He turned around. "try in the morning, Summer and Alex are over there with her right now, they've got it under control."

He stood for a moment, pondering what I said before nodding and heading past the pool house and down to the beach. For a moment I thought about going after him. Then I realized that he might night time.

Time like this its hard to know what to do. Trying to help can make things ten times worse. It's hard to trust your gut when there are so many people involved with guts telling them different things.

**"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen." **

Albert Einstein

* * *

**So like i said there is going to be someing down here. **

**I dont know how much any of you know about vidding, i supposed thats what they call it. Anyway i made a video for the story, it kinda ties it all together with the song Bohemian Rhapsody. I took two different versions, one by Michael Buble, and the other Lauryn Hill and the Fugees, and edited them together to make this video. I really hope that you guys enjoy it!**

they wont let me post the link here but it's going to be my profile homepage. Just click on my name and then homepage and the link will be there. it will play automatically!

**yours,**

**jules**


	37. EXTREMELY IMPORTANT an

Hi everyone, so this right here is just an authors note...

Long story short as of last week my family lost their house, which means that i do not currently have access to my personal belongings all of my clothes, electronics, etc. While i have more of this story typed I, at this time cannot access it like i said before. I really hope that this entire situation gets sorted out in a timely manner as everything is up in the air right now. Right now i am writing you from my sisters dorm where I have stayed the past couple of nights.

I want everyone to know that i am more than devoted to this story and am more that optomistic that this will work itself out soon. Basically what i do in life is write, and there is no way that i could not keep up with it. With that being said expect me to have up another chapter as soon as the opportunity becomes available, although right now there is no saying when that will be.

The video for this story is still available on youtube on the link for my homepage so you can still check that out. Like i said i remain optomistic and appreciate your support with this story past, present, and future. I hope to hear from you.

My apologies.

Bohemian Rhapsody

For now,

xoxo jules


	38. Mama OOO 2

**Is this a new chapter? Yes. Has it been over a year? It has been well over a year and a crazy year it has been. ** **It's funny because after you loose everything you realize what actually matters. Material possessions are important but they REALLY are not the be all end all. It was only when I lost my computer and it actually ended up dying that it really sucked. The bohemian rhapsody video? There were so many more I have done for a lot of other things, this story itself? Lost on my hard drive. It was actually pretty much written but now... Having to rewrite it though,especially after everything has been interesting. But my point is creativity is important. expression is important... nobody can take that away. I've been through hell this year, but it could have been worse. I'm thankful that it wasnt. **

**I know that you guys can see but this story has almost 30,000 hits and that is WELL over the total of any of my other stories. That keeps me going. I appreciate everything. So with that said you guys enjoy. **

**love always,**

** Jules  
**

* * *

Chapter 37: Mama ooo 2

**Summers POV: Who's to blame for the lives that tragedies claim?**

Not to long ago I believed that life was nothing more that a series of trials, a series of challenges. It is only recently that I realized that it doesn't have to be that way. Sure you are going to be tested, sure you are going to want for what you do not have and have the things that you dont want but at least you have something.

I never had friends before. I had fuck buddies, and I had teachers and I had peers and of course there were the doctors that poked and prodded. They tried to probe the mind of a scared little girl the find out why every time she is alone with a guy she spreads her legs a little bit further, and bats her eyelids a little more provocatively.

But back to what I was saying, friends. Now that I have them I wont let them go. All of them, Alex, Luke, Ryan, Seth, Coop. They mean the world to me.

I remember the night that I was sitting with Seth in the attic of that old church. It was Christmas eve and he was telling me stories of his chrismakkuah. He told me about his family and he told me about his dreams and then he went as far as to make me apart of it all.

For awhile everything seemed so perfect again, and it was. But it wont be perfect again, it wont be complete until she comes home.

**Three Months Later**

I look up at the big facility that stood before me. It has become pretty familiar these past few months. I spend as much time here as I can.

"Hello Miss. Roberts" The woman behind the counter greets me as I walk past her. I give her a small smile.

This place isn't like where we came from, this place isn't like Harford house. The walls here are adorned with colorful paintings rather than sterile white ones. Also, people don't wander around drugged. Those people are assigned to a special unit probably in the basement somewhere or something which is good because they were totally creepy.

Finally I make it there. Room 534.

I step inside quietly so not to wake her. Her honey blonde hair was splayed over the pillows as she slept peacefully. There's our girl. Out of nowhere she stirs.

"Sum?" She grumbles as she turns over.

Groggy, she opens her eyes and squints with a small smile. She is pale from the lack of sunlight in here but the freckles on the bridge of her nose are as prominent as ever. I remember that night three months ago, the night after everything went crazy. The night where I couldn't see those freckles because her nose was covered in blood.

"Hey Coop." I scoot my chair closer to her bed. Here they have singles unlike what we had at Harford House. Here also you can decorate your room. I had made it my personal project as soon as I was able to visit. They had her in solitary confinement for the first four weeks.

It all seemed to happen so fast. Jimmy got suspicious of Marissa constantly wearing long sleeve shirts to hide the bruises that Volcok left on her wrists. Then she hit rock bottom again. But by now we all know how that goes. For three weeks she had run away with him. They eventually found the two shacking up in long beach.

Marisssa was of course doped up. She had been strung out on god knows what. Once she got here, here by the way is Palm Meadows where she is now she went through a serious detox program. She was always throwing up and shaking and her skin had turned grey.

Jimmy had been so broken up about it all. He still blames himself. He wasn't there for her, he left her. As true as all of that is, and although Marissa is my best friend shes a big girl and she makes her own decisions. She has proven that time and time again.

She smiles at me. A real smile. Not a drug induced one like shes given me so often in the past. But I do admit, I miss the dopey Marissa smile a little bit.

"I missed you." Marissa yawned still trying to wake up.

"I know. I'm horrible. I've been swamped with studying for mid-terms and Seth has me sanding some boat." I ramble off

"You, sanding a boat?" Marissa smirked

"Yeah, crazy right? He has it in his head that this summer we're going to sail to Tahiti and just have this fantastic adventure." I muse. Sure the idea sounds ridiculous, and no doubt Seths boat will go down the minute we leave dock but his excitement is contagious.

"How is everyone?" She asked meeting my eyes. Shes knows that I am the only one who will tell her the truth. Everyone else tries to sugarcoat everything because she is "fragile" but if there is anything that I have learned it is that you cant hide from the world.

"Well," I begin watching Marissas face light up as I spoke "Alex and Luke are great. Fornicating on every surface in the house since Sandy and Kirsten are in Tahoe. Alex is actually coming by tomorrow. I think Lukes dad is still riding him pretty hard." I sigh at that thought. Luke is so good, so genuine. He doesn't deserve half of the shit he gets.

"And Seth? Well, besides the boat." Marissa asks with a chuckle.

Seth comes to see Marissa pretty often much to my surprise. It had been hard for him at first. He hated hospitals after everything that happened to his parents.

"He's great. He has been working on some top secret project."

"What do you think it is?"

"I don't know." I confess.

"And Ryan?" Marissa asks boldly.

Ryan is the only one who has not been here to visit. He was too hurt by her leaving with Kevin and just tired of constantly being tired. He had wanted to be Marissa's hero because he couldn't be for his own mother. What we all eventually learned is that we cant fix one another, but we can sure be there. With Ryan and Marissa it's still a little touchy.

They both ask me about one another but neither has the courage to be asked whether or not they are being asked about.

"He's better." I tell her. It has been hard on him. He had felt that he failed. "He's doing great stuff is his architecture class or whatever it is. All I know is that it's like boys and sticks and numbers and scales and stuff. Totally not my thing."

Marissa and Ryan are the same old Ryan and Marissa except slightly more functional. Marissa looks alive now. Shes not completely zapped out and Ryan is less broody, although still quite concerned. Oh yeah and Marissa is still a damn waif.

"Hey look!" Marissa said pointing to a drawing beside her bed. It was childish scribbles.

"Is that a hot dog?" I ask leaning closer to the picture

"Haha," Marissa laughed "I thought it was a cat. Really I have no idea. Sophie made it for me."

I visited with Marissa that entire afternoon. We just hung out and talked. Soon the doctors are supposed to tell her when she can go home, or at least be able to take day trips. I cant wait, we can go to lunch and get something other than nasty hospital food.

I made it home in the early evening. Palm Meadows is a good place for Coop. You don't have to think too hard there. Not to say shes dumb or anything… I just mean that there is no temptation there.

As usual my first stop when I get inside is Seth's room, especially after a long day.

"Hey dork." I announce myself as I step into his room without knocking.

He had been hunched over some sketchbook on his bed.

"You didn't knock, and what is the one and only thing that I ask you to do besides stay so cute?!"

"Make your food, fix your boat, pick out your clothes, watch you skateboard, do your homework-"

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves. I never asked you to do my homework." He says with a smirk

I smile back at my boyfriend as I climb across his bed. My boyfriend Seth Cohen. Weird.

"What are you doing?" I ask reaching for his notebook.

"NOTHING!" He yanks it away from me.

I huff. It honestly frustrates me that he will not even just give me a hint yanno? Like a little it has to do with you, or no I am not plotting for a kiddie porn ring.

"Loser." I submit finally as I cross my arms over my chest.

"You should get to bed soon. We have to wake up early tomorrow to work on the boat."

"No more boat! I swear my fingerprints are going to disappear if I have to sand that damn boat anymore!" I wail dramatically as I hold up my hands for him to survey my blisters from earlier in the week.

"It'd be cool to have no fingerprints. You could like infultrate the government or shoot somebody and just leave the evidence." He mused as he tucks the sketch pad under his pillow away from my prying eyes. He knows me. Out of sight out of mind.

"Why do I want to kill someone?" I ask quirking a brow.

"Just a thought. ANYHOW, you wont have to worry about losing your fingerprints anymore because tomorrow we are PAINTING!"

"The damage is done Cohen!" I cry as I throw myself back onto the bed "The damage is done."

He smiles at me and my heart melts. Yes it's lame, cheesy, and cliché but it melts.

"Hey Cohen?" I say as he falls on the bed beside me.

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

And that my friends just may be one of the truest statements that I have ever spoken.

"Hey Summer?"

"Yeah?" I answer playfully.

"I love you too."

* * *

More soon. If anyone knows where is can still downloads OC episode clips will you let me know because i'm trying to recollect all of my media. Thanks!

Please let me know if you're still around and review!

xoxo

* * *


End file.
